Today, my psychopathic ex-girlfriend spray-painted "Free Candy" on the side of my van, knowing damn well I have to park it in front of an elementary school on a daily basis to pick up my daughter. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, because I refused to shave off what my wife calls my "pedo 'stache", she painted "Free Candy" on the side of my van. FML
Today, my psycho ex defaced my car. She didn't key it or slash my tires. She posted "TRUMP 2016" bumper stickers all over it. I don't know what glue they use, but it's been 2 hours and I haven't gotten any of them off. FML
Today, I woke up to find that my dog was missing. I spent about an hour searching for him when my psycho ex-girlfriend texted me his photo. She'd kidnapped him. After driving over there, she shot paintballs at my car. Now I have no dog and a colorful car. FML
Today, I woke up to find my garage broken into and my car covered in paint and the words "Fuck you." Why? I broke up with my ex because she cheated on me and stole money off me and my mom. Apparently this wasn't a good enough excuse to break her up with her. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by spray-painting it on my locker. FML
Today, my psycho ex tried to call the cops on me for "poisoning her food." I live two hours away from her, and have no money or gas to go anywhere near her. Turns out, she poisoned herself for eating raw chicken and pizza dough. I have a child with this idiot. FML
Today, my psycho ex-girlfriend showed up at my new job to, "Keep an eye on me." The same ex-girlfriend who has been stalking me since we broke up. Two years ago. FML
Today, I broke up with my psycho girlfriend of one month. She actually expected me to let her keep the vintage car that I've been rebuilding for the past two years, and when I refused, she threatened to burn my garage down with us still in it. FML
Today, me and my girls went to get revenge on a girl who slept with my boyfriend by egging her house. Her house was too far away so we decided to get her truck. We wasted a carton of eggs on her driveway because we all have terrible aim and look incredibly stupid for missing so bad. FML
Today, my pissed off girlfriend used window marker to write racist comments on my car window. This included Nazi symbols, "white power", and a few others I won't mention. I live in a predominantly black neighborhood. FML
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Top comments
SApprentice 34
Buy a can of spray paint and spray over it. It'll look like hell, but you're going to have to get it fixed anyway, and I doubt you'll be able to make it very far with it the way it is. Oh, and go to the cops if you can. Paint jobs are expensive, and you don't need to deal with that kind of crap.
Subtext 10
Just spray paint her address and contact information under the "Free Candy" :)
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Comments (72)
karlcolt45 19
well played crazy person. you-1 me-0
CareFace 16
That's not well played... That's punching under the belt!!
row74 7
Nice I don't know why this is getting disliked
TeamKelly 10
Troll ex-girlfriend strikes again!
SApprentice 34
Buy a can of spray paint and spray over it. It'll look like hell, but you're going to have to get it fixed anyway, and I doubt you'll be able to make it very far with it the way it is. Oh, and go to the cops if you can. Paint jobs are expensive, and you don't need to deal with that kind of crap.
SApprentice 34
Also, take photos. Lots and lots of photos as evidence. I forgot to add that. You may not be able to pursue any charges against her since these kinds of things are difficult to prove, but the photos could be useful if you need to build a case against her later.
dmoran20 27
Ahhhh screw that, add to it with. If you show me you ****...
fml121785 14
Or just add "with purchase of a van" under it, it may reduce your creepy factor just enough.
desoto96 9
Get it wrapped, lot cheaper than paint.
the_smart_way 10
Getting a car/van wrapped is pretty much sticking duct tape over a broken duct... The problem will return!
desoto96 9
84 my family has been in the wrap industry for 2 generations. I'm not going to argue wether or not wrapping is better than painting, but I will say your comment was extremely ignorant. I suggested he get it wrapped because its faster and cheaper than a legitimate paint job, and if done right can be just as nice.
AliceLockehart 18
Apparently putting a thick layer of Mr Muscle on it can get graffiti off. My stepdads truck got tagged & he used that, it came right off with no paint damage :)
shorty6823 28
Who pissed in her Cheerios? But really, watch her. You never know what could happen with the crazy ones.
CharresBarkrey 15
She must've had Carnation Instant Bitch for breakfast.
shorty6823 28
I had a psycho ex, so I understand. He was a different type of psycho, but still, been there, done that.
Epikouros 31
I love your profile pic, #52 :)
shorty6823 28
Thanks! He's not very cuddly, so it was kinda a surprise when he cuddled me. Kodak Moment.
Subtext 10
Just spray paint her address and contact information under the "Free Candy" :)
sublimaze 6
Better yet, mark out "candy" and write "BJs" and your ex's phone number. If your daughter asks what BJs means, tell her Blue Jeans or whatever.
tuxedoandex 28
Even better, spray paint "Free ********" on all of her clothes and on her face.
delta873 5
you could just sue her...but you would need evidence.
Imhere4fml 24
What part of the fml isn't evidence?
lunaforever21 14
well you cant bring a story to the cops without evidence that she did in fact spray paint his van. he needs actual proof
woainishamu 21
Well isn't she sweet?
HaneenDixon 16
Yes, she's a keeper. The police should keep her away!
ironichalibut 24
You'd better actually carry some free candy on hand, a large herd of children can be deadly in a feeding frenzy.
sjdbeinska 4
but what if a parent calls the cops because he'd look like a pedophile
ironichalibut 24
But what if someone had to call an ambulance because children disemboweled OP thinking he had candy? Yeah? What then?
oj101 33
This reminds me of the Child Catcher from the movie Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Did she also happen to give you a prosethic nose and a black overcoat with a flower hat and a net?
cynide 13
NOO!! I'm 17 and still afraid of that ******* bitch.
jem970 19
One of the best movies ever! But the child catcher... oh god I wanted to watch him fall off a cliff and die horribly. He gave me more nightmares than clowns do now.
xgetxbentx 13
So much win! That is what my mom threatened me with as a child lmfao!
lishajoy777 14
I dont condone being a snitch but report that bitch. Thats ****** up!
dontpanic_fml 32
For real? You consider reporting a crime committed against oneself as being a snitch? Really?!
enormouselephant 15
"Yeah man, he came up and stole all my money and my girl! Threw 'em all in his van. But you know I ain't no motherfucking snitch!"
dr_snow_bear 29
I feel for you, and your life does suck, but that's pretty damn funny.