Today, I came home from a night out with the lads. My girlfriend refused to make love to me, saying my sperm were drunk and would raise hell in her uterus. FML
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Today, my girlfriend made a patronising post on Facebook, "to all you guys out there" saying how having sex with a drunk person is straight-up, 100% rape. I pointed out that she's had sex with me several times after I've come home drunk. That pissed her off. Now I'm single. FML
Today, my wife came home drunk, telling me all about this amazing man she met at the club with her friends, and how she wanted to have sex with him but couldn't because she was on her period. What a present. FML
Today, I was drinking too much and I had to pee constantly, so I went to bed without my girlfriend. Hours later she woke me up wanting sex, but she realized that I'd pissed the bed. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me that last night after I got drunk, I passed out mid-pump while we were knocking boots. FML
Today, my girlfriend came home and spontaneously wanted to have sex for the first time in about a year. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and had just came from an AA meeting. She reeked of alcohol, I couldn't get hard because of it, and she got pissed at me. She says she won't be spontaneous again. FML
Today, after clubbing with my girlfriend, we went to her place. She then threw up on the floor, and went to clean herself up. When she came back, she'd forgotten that she'd just thrown up. She blamed me for puking, and kicked me out. It was 4:00 am and a 3-hour walk home. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend to meet my parents at a family dinner. There was plenty of alcohol on offer, as is normal at our get-togethers. She got blind drunk and ended up crying to my mum about how I can't please her because I have a small penis and my oral sucks. FML
Today, my girlfriend openly admitted to me that she wouldn't have gone out with me if she hadn't been drunk. FML
Today, I received a text message from my wife, who had gone out for the evening with some girlfriends, saying, "I have to take a friend home, she's drunk! I'll be staying at his place. Call you in the morning." Umm… His? FML
Today, I was cuddling in bed with my girlfriend after a night of heavy drinking. She rolled towards me, looked me in the eyes and sweetly said, "I love you". Her morning breath was so bad that I had to jump up and rush to the bathroom to vomit, leaving a trail along the way. FML
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Top comments
shadowfighter10 9
*morgan freeman voice* she's right you know
Pleonasm 35
The Hangover: Part Sex "Holy shit, men, we've somehow made it to her bladder!"
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Comments (89)
shadowfighter10 9
*morgan freeman voice* she's right you know
buttcramp 21
hilarious #1! OP, maybe she wants sex to be more special than just drunk sex. Sorry you got turned down though.
DorklyComicFan 8
Maybe she was drunk too.
SgtAssCheeks 21
Then her drunk ovaries would create total chaos with drunk sperm; Armageddon
ShadowNinja445 12
*Spermageddon
JoeyJaws68 18
Lethal
Pleonasm 35
The Hangover: Part Sex "Holy shit, men, we've somehow made it to her bladder!"
Queen_bee1234 21
Doesn't seem like she is the sharpest tool in the shed.
klorehore 24
seems more like OP is the dumb one here, actually taking offense enough to post this on fml and expecting sympathy
sardonique 11
Stop talking about yourself like that.
seprunner 12
That's how accidents happen
iLike2Teabag 27
Is that how you happened?
ZY1431 24
well maybe she......yea no I got nothing sorry. not the sharpest tool in the or whatever you wanna use.
bubblyhayley 16
erm, what!!??
Hiimhaileypotter 52
Apparently #8 is drunk as well.
girlrome 19
Either she's really stupid or simply wasn't in the mood to sleep with you.
booze_n_bitches 37
Legit excuse, I'll remember that one.
Zen_Mei 17
She doesn't want to take any chances just in case you don't pull out quick enough
SuperStormCindy 8
pulling out doesn't work.
anon42146 8
can someone please inform me how pulling out "doesn't work" the only ******* way to get pregnant is for the sperm to be inside, if he pulls his shit out before he finishes, there won't be a problem.
Ari1337 15
pre-ejaculation my friend.
mrlopez 13
To add to #71, pre-cum. Don't think anything is foolproof...
DanielleinDC 33
This is the problem with abstinence-only "education". Before a man comes, there's already fluid leaking (pre-ejaculate), and it often will have enough sperm to knock a woman up if she's at the right time in her cycle. Not to mention if a guy is drunk, he may not do so in time. I'm willing to be OP's girlfriend just didn't want to have sex with her drunken boyfriend and made up a stupid excuse.
sonictardis 8
the tiniest amount of pre-cum. That's how my nephew was conceived.