Today, and for the past week, my dog has started barking at my door when I start masturbating. I think my mom is starting to suspect. FML
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Today, my mother called me at work, freaking out about my dog, so I panicked. What was wrong? He had a hard-on and she'd never seen that happen before. FML
Today, I was masturbating in my room when my dog started to bark obnoxiously. He does this all the time so I ignored it and kept going. This went on for about a half hour. When I went downstairs, I found an open door and an empty TV stand. FML
Today, my parents hosted a party at our house. After seeing one of the extremely beautiful guests, I went to masturbate in my room. When I was about to finish, my bedroom door opened suddenly. It was my mom showing around 10 party guests that our dog can open doors. FML
Today, my mom came into my room to have a heart-to-heart talk. My dildo was sitting on the nightstand. I didn't notice until she told me to make sure the dog didn't get it. FML
Today, my dog was watching me and started to have a hard-on, for half an hour. FML
Today, my dog carried on with his recent habit of trying to hump me. When I told my mom, she just joked that he's my new boyfriend. Now my whole family is just calling him my boyfriend. FML
Today, my dog, who has been specially trained to go for help when I'm having a seizure, went to alert my parents downstairs that I was having an emergency. The "emergency" was me masturbating. FML
Today, my dog is much too fond of barking at me loudly and at length for no reason. So is my girlfriend. FML
Today, my mother texted me while I was at work asking me to pick up a door-stopper on my way home. When I asked her why she explained that she and my dad were trying to make love but the dog kept pushing the door open. What an image. FML
Today, I was talking to my mother when we both heard a continuous buzzing noise. Unable to locate the source of the noise we gave up. About an hour later, my mother yells down the stairs to me. Turns out my dog stole my vibrator, chewed it and presented it to my mother. FML
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Top comments
ImmaEatYouXx 10
That's a weird sixth sense for a dog to have...
Loserhero 17
Your dog has turned on you
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Comments (129)
Loserhero 17
Your dog has turned on you
ComoEsJuan 24
More like 'turned OP in'.
colton_colton 50
Maybe lock the dog outside for a bit. Theres bad, and then there's your mom walking in on you bad
elibel 16
More like 'turned OP on'.
incoherentrmblr 21
Your dog is a real wanker...
Ambient25 24
Look I'm on the dog's side. I wouldn't want to get pet by that same hand either...
DenBriZel 31
Is he inside the room or outside? Because if he's inside then I'd see why maybe he wants out lol and if outside? Then you're dog is just an asshole.
sarkaar 30
I read that as "your dog turned you on". Must stop skimming through comments. :-/
thetrue_guru 6
no longer man's best friend... smh
ImmaEatYouXx 10
That's a weird sixth sense for a dog to have...
TourettesGuyFTW 25
Err... I thought hearing was one of the regular senses? Especially for a dog!
SmokinGuns 13
Probably thinks he's hurting himself.
TourettesGuyFTW 25
I bet doggy can smell it too!
27inch 9
That's so nasty
Meaniebobeanie 26
Not as nasty as your 27 inches!
4everbored11 1
You'll grow up eventually.
firefighter925 18
What a bitch move
Grayness_ 26
Take it as a sign. If you did that for the past week. And you did it "today" might want to give it a break OP
AninOnin 24
Does it break?
TourettesGuyFTW 25
Yes it does break. Trust me *sigh* :(
Daishin 5
I agree
maggiefox 25
I see what you did there.
Nolimit2217 32
Haha haha. Bad dog!
Rainhawk94 27
That space between the two haha's annoys me
young_weezy_fml 3
i like it, kinda like a high mandark
kylieh72 25
That pointlessness of the comment annoys me.
Indianboy9321 25
Your dog is your biggest cockblock with your right hand, unless of course you are left handed...
whothewhat 4
It's myle (left) and myra (right) if your going to say it say it right
LeFrogDog 27
either hand op's dog is still barking up the wrong tree.
Das_is_gud 11
Actually #52 it's HANDjolina Jolie and Scarlett JoHANDsson
drewflav 17
Or Pamela HANDerson
HammyBear13 8
HANDah Montana is what my ex called his hand.
LittleBastard 20
#119 I assume that's why he's your ex.
illegalbeagle69 23
"Richard, who's your favorite little rascal? Is it Alphalpha, or is it Spanky? Sinner."
buttcramp 21
it's PALMela HANDerson.
PenguinBitch 43
Your dog wants you to throw the bone.
Wizardo 33
Oh he's not just throwing it, he is tossing it so hard but the dog is still not receiving it.
stfudonnie 10
play some music while your doing business to throw the bloodhound off. funny how your mom is keen on what the dog is barking about.
BlockOfRedStone 25
It probably already has the smell of the testosterone and sweat memorized.
tomwantssnow 14
Then spray some febreeze at the door too
elibel 16
Time to turn to **********.
Tonasharkman 14
No what's wrong with you?
karystaal 12
I'm wondering if your dog is inside or outside your door. It's hard to imagine why you'd have your dog inside your room while you were masterbating..
SThompson90 7
Considering OP states that the dog is barking "at the door" I think we can presume the dog is outside but who knows.
SThompson90 7
Dogs are hypothetical and judgemental assholes. They go to town liking themselves in the middle of the living room and get mad at you when you try to do it in privacy.
Soloman212 28
Do you know what hypothetical means?
That_Ginger 18
You have 120 whole seconds to edit your comment after you post it.
Pleonasm 35
Well maybe the dog /is/ hypothetical, and it was all just OP's guilt about masturbating trying to tell him something.
haw008 14
You mean hypocritical?
SThompson90 7
Crap.. I did mean hypocritical. I need to learn to proof read my shit.
SThompson90 7
And it was also supposed to say *licking. I fear I have angered the grammar gods and must atone for my sins.
TeacherTeem 21
I kind of like "liking themselves" as a euphemism for licking your own penis.
buttcramp 21
you're the first person I've ever in my life heard say something so negative about dogs in general. when a child does something wrong people say "blame the parents!" I think this applies to pets some too. if you don't like dogs, you probably haven't trained it right.