Today, I was reading a crappy "How to spice up your marriage" book with my husband for laughs. One of the ideas was for the guy to whip his knob out, stand behind his girl and say "Can you say that into the microphone?" Now he does it every chance he gets, and I fall for it EVERY TIME. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, my husband decided to imitate Borat and shout "Very Nice! I Excite!" while having sex. He's also decided that it was ingenious and does it every single time, the entire time. FML
Today, my husband discovered that whispering anything in my ear will turn me on. He turned to me and whispered 'cheeseburger' in my ear. Unfortunately, I moaned. Now he now laughs about it with our roommate. FML
Today, as my wife and I were getting intimate, I thought I would try a little "dirty talk". I whispered in her ear that I would "dick her down good". She couldn't stop laughing. FML
Today, my husband called me from work just to chat. He asked what I had been up to today. I was feeling frisky so I told him all about how I had gotten horny, watched a porno and masturbated earlier. It wasn't until I heard the hoots and laughter that I realized he had me on speakerphone. FML
Today, as I was about to have sex with my husband, I said I wanted to "spice things up." Apparently, our ideas weren't the same. He yanked my nipples as hard as he could and said, "Yeah, you like that?" FML
Today, my husband asked me to spoon him. He used it as an excuse to start farting on me. Yep, this is my husband. FML
Today, my husband decided it would be funny to shout "Woohoo!" in Michael Jackson's voice while having an orgasm. FML
Today, I decided to surprise my husband in the shower. I got in and we were talking and goofing around and I stuck out my chest and sucked in my stomach being stupid, and my husband said, "Wait! Do it again! That's how you looked when I first met you." FML
Today, my husband dropped his pants and said, "Why don't you go down and say hello." This is his idea of foreplay. FML
Today, I woke up to my boyfriend repeatedly whispering in my ear, "You want to give me a blowjob". Yes, he actually thought it would work. FML
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Top comments
perdix 29
Smack it a few times and say, "Is this thing on?" That'll stop him. Unless he's into S S S S, M M M.
HahaYDI 0
Sounds like a win-win situation to me.
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Comments (123)
teital 3
lol
nyrangers1022 6
lmao thats awesome, i gota give that a try
Idonebeenhad 17
so what's the problem?
Trololololololo_fml 7
Can you say that into the microphone?
jakezanerd 0
18- it's too small
pertained 12
lol hipster
fthku 13
*Mandatory "how would you know?" reply to #33*
premiermois 5
This is the greatest Intimacy FML in the history of this site. You and your husband are legendary OP.
IphonFML 6
well 59 its obvious... hes asian
alliewillie 22
Bet if you bit the microphone, it would never happen again...
HahaYDI 0
Sounds like a win-win situation to me.
whiteboy7thst 2
You should say "testing testing, sorry the microphone is too small
MrSassypants 33
Or the husband should now say sweetly "It's not going to suck itself"
wazoolol123 7
lol other FML reference
natsaysheyyy 16
OP, don't complain! Just give his "microphone" what it needs, then ask him for a favor in return.
kipdjordy 0
He should ask whos the boss then when you turn around punch you in the face and yell TONY DANZA.
austin0023 0
hahaha Tony Danza.....
Zeb_McBride 0
Bwahahahaa
11jackson11 0
That guy cuts in line.
saltypirate 0
that was the dumbest thing I have ever heard..
incrediblekarma 3
Haha, I lol'd.
dorux1897 0
71 - SoD reference... nice
dudeitsdanny 9
Hahahaha. Well, it's your fault you keep falling for it, but he sounds awesome. Laugh it up, OP. it'll be funny until you stop buying it.
nattybattyx3 4
haha nice! i agree, hopefully she'll realize what's really going to happen lol. nice of you though to not bash OP! :)
sassypants93 17
Maybe you should talk loud enough so that you wouldn't need his conveniently kept microphone.
fatalkiss 0
HA. That's awesome.
Bdubwv87 0
You are cute as hell
Cinn_fml 22
Well you keep falling for it...
angryoriental 0
mmmm brainy chicks with glasses...
moosemonkey1000 6
mmmmm a creeper...
EagorLuvsBigFoot 8
ugh god ur back Cinn I thought u died
KCThaEclipse33 0
lmao she alrdy lools dead
Cinn_fml 22
Well you're nice aren't you. And I didn't die (obviously), I just had a lot of revision to be done. But rest assured that's all over soon. ;p
Chinnithy 0
The book did what it supposed to do didn't it?
example947 0
update: not as effective in public.
Captain_Zorro 7
nooooiooo
perdix 29
Smack it a few times and say, "Is this thing on?" That'll stop him. Unless he's into S S S S, M M M.
MellisaTatum 6
You just made my day(:
bharted85 7
13- Win
fieldhockyluva24 4
It's SSS & MMM. but still funny
ashheath17 0
hahahahaha
LifeIsCruelFML 0
gotta love perdix, hilariously witty, punny and intelligent ^-^ havent seen you in awhile mate ^-^
Zombie65 0
lol