Intimacy: Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a...

By Ohshit - 17/05/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a woman's peppermint breath in my ear. "Mom?" I called out instinctively, recalling how she always smells like peppermint. The hand stopped rubbing, and I turned to face my very disgusted looking girlfriend of three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 398

You deserved it 92 757

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Same thing different taste

False alarm

By dirtyhands - 18/02/2009 23:01 - United States

Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom burst into my room to ask if I was okay because she thought the squeaking was me crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 520

You deserved it 62 892

By notsohandy - 03/01/2014 22:08 - Denmark - Hadsten

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend masturbating beside me. I asked if she needed a hand. She called me a pervert and now won't speak to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 928

You deserved it 8 122

By TwiceDaily,Kids - 06/04/2012 00:41 - United States

Today, my girlfriend got pissed when I told her she needed to brush her teeth more than once a day. I could smell her breath from across the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 902

You deserved it 5 112

Freudian intensifies

By mouthwash - 11/11/2014 05:05 - United States - Gallipolis

Today, I had a dream where I was cuddling with a girl. She rolled over to face me, snuggled up into the crook of my neck, then muttered in disgust, "Ugh, your breath stinks!" Cock-blocked in my own dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 737

You deserved it 4 607

By Harry Dare - 02/09/2011 16:31 - United Kingdom

Today, just after waking up, I caught a glimpse of my girlfriend in the mirror. Not knowing I was awake, she sniffed at her armpits, started gagging, then quietly came back to bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 986

You deserved it 4 320

By hotboxed - 13/07/2019 18:30

Today, while we were sleeping, my girlfriend and I rolled to opposite sides of the bed. When I woke up, I moved closer and wrapped my arm around her. Her response was to fart in her sleep, resulting in a smell so noxious that I had no choice but to roll back to the other side. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 600

You deserved it 385

By bootyislife - 03/02/2015 04:36 - United States - Seattle

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to give me a naked massage. She straddled my back and started rubbing, then she sneezed and peed on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 248

You deserved it 4 984

By Big Baby - 28/01/2017 00:00

Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 440

You deserved it 806

By PerfectBoyfriend - 07/06/2016 16:38 - Belgium - Reet

Today, my girlfriend got pissed because she thought she heard me masturbating in the bathroom. I was brushing my teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 379

You deserved it 1 912

At least it wasn't rotting coconut?

By Getmeoutofhere - 10/08/2017 17:15 - Australia

Today, I was masturbating when my dad came into my room to say goodnight. He leaned down over my bed, paused, and said, "What's that smell? It's like... oh." His face dropped and he left the room. I don't think he'll ever see me the same way again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 542

You deserved it 1 149

dmipotc 0

Sunday 17 May 2009 12:07

how often does your mom rub your "very erect penis"? ur instinctive reaction freaks me out

youaresofucked 0

Sunday 17 May 2009 12:06

OOOOHHH NO!

Comments

myexsucks 0

Sunday 17 May 2009 20:23

See...if you had've said "Mom" before noticing a hand was rubbing your "very erect penis," then maybe it wouldn't be so bad...

All_My_Seasons 0

Sunday 17 May 2009 20:42

Today, I woke my boyfriend up by rubbing his penis and breathing in his ear. He immediately asked, "Mom?" FML

GoMeat4103 0

Sunday 17 May 2009 20:53

Freudian Fail. Haha "Freudian Theory, when you say one thing and mean a mother"

life_is_life 0

Sunday 17 May 2009 21:05

BAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA. i feel sorry for your girlfriend

cthulhu1138 1

Sunday 17 May 2009 21:08

I'm sure that all the people faulting the OP are perfectly aware of their surroundings upon being unexpectedly awakened.

hreotc 5

Sunday 17 May 2009 21:08

ewww, you sick ****!! you were thinking of your mother rubbing your penis? what the hell is wrong with you!

ch_kisama 0

Sunday 17 May 2009 21:24

didn't the handjob tip you off as to who it was...or did your mom give you a lot of handjobs too? YDI

hustler123 0

Sunday 17 May 2009 21:29

ewwww does your mom normally rub your erect penis? because thats just messed up your girlfriend must have been grossed out when u said that lmfao......"mom"? really?