I'm not religious myself but I've known a fair amount of religious people who left, and I don't think this type of thought ever goes away completely, especially since I get the impression that on some level you still kind of believe it. But it might slowly fade eventually until it becomes easy to ignore. And for what it's worth, there are many people who think that living your life the best you can is more important than sifting through the fifty billion flavors of religion to find the One True Faith.

🫂 Normal therapists just aren't equipped to deal with this. There are Ex-Catholic priests out there who specialise in undoing religious indoctrination. You may not be Ex-Catholic but if you can find one, they will be able to help you far better than a therapist. They understand how the knots where tied because the church trains them to university degree level in how to tie them. Also, try reaching out to the forums of the Order of Bards, Ovates and Druids (OBOD). They're a wonderfully crazy, world wide group of multicultural and multi faith people who are just interested in life, love and spirituality. Many of them have walked the path that you are trying to and having people to talk to who actually understand is invaluable. And yes, as long as you are not being an arse about it, they also welcome Atheists. But please remember that the reason religious indoctrination works in the first place is because it uses the 'shape' of the human mind. The Hominid brain is literally hotwired to follow certain thought patterns. That isn't just **** Sapiens. Netflix's Unknown: Cave of Bones shows that Ancestor Worship (the tap root of ALL religion) and 'Afterlife' belief is way, way older and deeper than us. Understanding how and why something works can help you navigate it. This evolutionary 'hot wiring' is one of the reasons why Atheists have a harder time emotionally dealing with loss and grief. The brain physically cannot compute the disconnect between the person still existing in the mind but suddenly being gone in reality, hence the eons old belief that they've just gone 'somewhere' else. It's just how the basic Hominid hind brain processes death. I'm a stone cold Atheist at heart but I still talk to my Dad and I allow him to exist in his 'somewhere' else because it stops my hind brain borking about it. Sometimes you just have to do things the way the brain does them. Find the people who actually understand, they can help you far better than a bog standard therapist. 🫂🫂

God is still reaching out to you listen to him

Just join an atheist church. Easy peasy.

god is fake hope this helps 🤝

OP, it can be very difficult to escape religious or other indoctrination you had when you were young. The mind seems to have two modes - emotional and logical. One may prevail but the other doesn’t give up just because you’re consciously made your choice… I assume it’s the logical side that has made the conscious choice, but the emotional side is responding to early conditioning. I am old, I have been through multiple cycles of religious belief. Here is what I can tell you of my own struggle. - You will never have absolute certainty of your beliefs unless sedated or brainwashed. That’s just how life is… But I do believe that we were given a brain and logic to use and pay attention to. There is just nothing in real life that matches the supposed “miracles” in the Bible and other religions. That probably means those tales are simply myths - Especially when they completely contradict your own observations. And there is relatively little in the actual Bible about “hell” if you discount Paul’s writings in the NT - Who by his own admission never met Jesus or listened directly to his teachings. Hell is mostly an invention of the Christian church to keep their followers in line when promises of an eventual heavenly reward don’t work. There is no hell. But the human spirit does seem to want an ultimate God to confide in when you’ve done all you can and you still need hope and reassurance. When I had my cancer episode (I am in remission) I prayed to God for help, hope, and understanding and was happy to have others pray for me too. Doing that gave me a measure of peace after doing everything medically possible. My own recovery was not miraculous - It was medical science. But it helped my spirit to reach out. I still internally confide my thoughts and concerns to God - But there’s no way I would be in a church service except if it was a wedding or a funeral. My concept of God is far more universal than one organized “religion” and much more vague.

Other commenters have left you excellent advice, my respect to them and to you. All I have is perspective. In my own faith or belief system, we dream of someday stepping off the wheel, of the Parinirvana that ends the cycle of death and rebirth into suffering. There is the strong possibility in this universe that all belief systems and faiths are horse-hockey. That means, after death, just nothingness. I find I'm okay with that "worst-case scenario". Perhaps it would be useful for you to meditate on your own "worst case scenario". Is your God one of compassion? Would such a god truly consign to everlasting fire good people who failed to use the right soap, eat the right foods, perform the right rituals? Seems unlikely, doesn't it?

Been there. It sucks. Was born under a Catholic and a Jehovah’s Witness. Both equally effed-up religions and i’m not sure which did more damage. Luckily a friend of mine helped me go through the deprogramming, and I became atheist, but I realized that anytime you leave a situation, whether religion, a relationship, college, life state or whatever, there is a period of grief, which is what I believe you are going through as you go through the entire range when leaving any of those. That said, it gets better as life goes on. If you don’t relapse, sadly, in America, there is persecution of anyone not religious. I hear it every day, usually from christian fanatics, but still. Even had to go no contact with my father to eschew fanatical JW-isms that make me cringe. Find friends who are like minded with who you WANT to be. They’ll help. They can help you process and grieve, as guilt, etc… are all part of it. It sucks, and I’m pulling for you! We’re all in this crazy life together!