Today, I tried to kill a spider by throwing a shoe at it. All it did was slice the spider's egg sac open, releasing all its babies. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Same thing different taste
Today, I found a big spider on my wall. I have arachnophobia, and I was trying to kill it with my shoe. I pulled back and hit myself in the face, causing me to fall backwards. The spider is still alive somewhere in my house. FML
Today, there was a huge spider on my ceiling, so I grabbed a shoe to deal with it. Just as I jumped up to smush it, my idiot brother flicked the light off. I missed the spider, but it didn't miss my face as the impact caused it to fall. FML
Spider-man
Today, I tried to catch a spider in a glass. It was on the paper and I wanted it to fall into the glass, but I moved the paper the wrong way, screeched like a banshee and flung the glass at the floor. I was barefoot. FML
Today, while trying to kill a spider in my kitchen, I thought it would be wise to throw a bottle at it. The bottle hit the wall, bounced off the fridge and hit me in the face. The lucky spider crawled away, and is surely still laughing somewhere. FML
Today, while bringing boxes up from the basement, I noticed a few spider egg sacs had stuck to my shirt. As I desperately tried to remove them, they hatched. FML
Today, I saw what I thought was a spider. Wanting to kill it as quickly as possible, I smacked my hand against the wall with force. It was a nail. FML
Today, I saw a huge wolf spider in my room. It ran off and hid before I could kill it, but after two hours looking for it then giving up, I finally found it, with my foot, as I put on my shoes. FML
Leave spiders alone
Today, I took a stick lighter and used it to set a large spider on fire to kill it, as stepping on it could possibly release its babies if it were a momma. I ignited more than the spider, and had to call the fire department. FML
Today, I saw a spider crawling on the floor but had nothing to kill it with and it hid somewhere. So, I got dressed and went out and come home for a shower, and as I'm taking off my undies, something crushed and black fell out. It was the spider and he had been in my underwear the entire day. FML
Masterful gambit
Today, I saw a spider crawling across a poster in my bedroom, so I smacked the spot below it to scare the spider into climbing back up the wall. Instead, because the poster wasn't completely flat to the wall, I catapulted the spider straight into my face. FML
Top comments
boombangboi 3
Time to leave and never return.
Jabberwockyy 13
I hate spiders so that would creep me out so much.
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Comments (221)
Jabberwockyy 13
I hate spiders so that would creep me out so much.
extrasnipes 22
just get an exterminator. they will EXTERMINATE EXTERMINATE the spiders.
sonictardis 8
I don't know, OP could end up getting upgraded..
extrasnipes 22
I think the spiders would rather delete op
Duskf1re 12
Then the spiders would have to EXPLAIN! EXPLAIN! to the judge why they did it.
Narwhal23 10
Just stop #23 you're trying too hard
ericb982 8
Or else the judge will DECIDE DECIDE to put them in jail.
Jabberwockyy 13
I love the Doctor Who references everyone, very creative.
sonictardis 8
The Whovians have FML.
James_is_Mexican 25
OP must live in Australia
paigexox0 37
You ok, 23?
\ 28
I find it somewhat depressing how when one person starts a joke in an FML comment thread, that person's joke gets buried and all the following jokes based off of it are lifted to heaven. Reminds me of middle school.
invadermaythe1st 35
pretty much
extrasnipes 22
@135 it's very much like middle school I'd know I just finished it.. it's like when you tell a. joke and everyone says it's bad then a "popular" person says it everyone dies from laughter and you stand there with the what the **** face
ericb982 8
Its because nobody got his joke. And it sounded terrible when I read it. I watch Doctor Who. That joke was awful.
sonictardis 8
Mine was just as bad, and my comment didn't get buried. I think it may have been that people who don't watch Doctor Who, didn't realise he was talking about the Daleks. That & the first exterminate
extrasnipes 22
I actually don't see how any of these were bad, well perhaps my first one was s bit much but my second one Made a lot more sense after the second whovian
rossea 21
Bleach does the trick.
boombangboi 3
Time to leave and never return.
martialart1st18 19
This area is now a certified NOPE ZONE
Kamon97 23
Time to sell the house
184886837272837 32
I know that arachnophobia is one of the most common of phobias, but am I the only one who also finds it one of the most irrational? Yea sure a huge mother ****** of a tarantula gives me the shivers but spiders are really pretty ******* cool! No people I'm not belittling your fears, I understand that you can't just "get over" a phobia like that, but if it's not too much to ask then for the love of our mosquito eating friends next time just try to catch the spider and put it outside.
cappellaaa 23
there's a reason behind the fear usually. I know there is for me. so even if the spider is small, it makes no difference whatsoever. so if you don't have the fear you really wouldn't understand...
sonictardis 8
My fear of spiders stems from waking up with a spider bite on the roof of my mouth.
OctoDope 15
I wish I had never read that.
Andicc 19
Did you ever hear of such a thing as a poisonous spider? Um, I'm pretty sure that is most of the reason most of us are terrified of spiders. If they were harmless, there would not be a fear of them. Sorry but if something as small as a dime can bite me and rot away a baseball sized area of my flesh...I'm scared of that mother ******.
asnakelovinbabe 16
I am with you 55. Spiders are one of the most interesting groups of living things on our planet. They have adapted to conquer just about every little specialized niche of our world and some of the things they have come up with are mind blowingly complex for such little creatures. There are spiders that live underwater by making a diving bell full of air to sustain their need for oxygen. There are spiders that use a ball of sticky silk and THROW it at passing moths to catch them and reel them in. Some spiders have learned to colonize and work together to capture larger amounts of prey. There are spiders that make underground burrows and decorate the hole covers with surrounding ground to hide it, and they even form trip wires outside the burrow. Jumping spiders hunt without the aid of a web, stalking their tiny prey like a wolf, and have better vision than some vertebrates do! Ant-mimicking spiders have a body that looks deceptively similar to an ant, and they even walk in the same erratic pattern as ants do, and disguise their fourth pair of legs as antennae. (The first time I found one of these I could not believe I had found such a spider as I had never heard of them before). A newly discovered species of spider builds a pole out of silk to place it's eggs on top of and then builds a circular silk fence around the pole to keep them safe. The spider that op went after did not have an egg sac as they thought. She was carrying her babies on her back, which some spiders will do to keep them safe until they're ready to be on their own. Spiders are scary to those who do not understand them... But just remember if it were not for the up to 1 million spiders per cubic acre of our planet, we would be in serious trouble with Mosquitos.... Which are your real enemy. If you want to be afraid of something tiny, be afraid of mosquitoes. There is a reason they are known as the deadliest living creature known to humans. And remember every one of those thousands of spiders that are close by you and I right now can take out several of them a day. Without spiders and bees, we would never have survived to the point we are today. You can be afraid all you like.... But show spiders the respect they deserve and take some time to educate yourself about them!
ahraea 9
The size of the spider doesn't matter. I'm scared of anything that is classifed as a bug and has more than 4 legs.
drizzy11 18
I'm sure what you had to say was important, but I really didn't feel like reading the national geographic.
telli164 30
#112. I respect you for standing up for spiders but, thanks for the long ass comment Wikipedia
JazNim17 18
#114, you're exactly right. Brown recluse spiders are common where I live, and I never have been able to tell them apart from harmless "house spiders." My grandfather was bitten by one when I was little and it terrified me. Now I just spare myself the trouble of figuring them out and kill any brown spider.
sonictardis 8
#109, spiders are venomous, not poisonous.
asnakelovinbabe 16
152, you're quite welcome, I had no idea some simple elementary level reading would be SUCH a taxing chore on your poor little eyes.
asnakelovinbabe 16
Here's an idea for you. I know this is a revolutionary concept. DON'T READ IT. There. Now you have no reason to complain about it.
TallMist 32
#132 "Spiders are arachnids. Not bugs." - Spider-Man
bigwiensch 15
I'm sure that situation didn't go EGGSACTLY how you wanted it to go
gmian 34
I wouldn't have eggspected that!
JosephMoore77 8
I normally don't like puns, but that was an eggception
euphoricness 28
Maybe OP should call the eggsterminator!
Duggie1339 13
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
OMG egg for the egg part, but u managed to toss in sac as well!!! This is a brilliant comment #4. Bravo.
obnum 19
#108 you killed it. Leave now.
karystaal 12
There's always one..
sheishannah 16
I would definitely burn my house down
PizzaDeliveryGrl 19
*gasp* Haven't you ever heard of how dangerous premature births are?! Really, though, I feel quite bad for you.
Karenezzy 20
WORST day of your life for sure!!
gantoman 13
I'm pretty sure OP must have had a day worse than the day a spider's egg sac spread all over the floor.
SgtAssCheeks 21
Not to sound like an inconsiderate n00b, But what makes a spider so scary? I think they're fascinating little spawns of Mother Nature! Sure they got 6 limbs, sometimes furry and venomous (Whattap 'Straya?) but it's not necessarily something I'd characterized as 'fearful'. What is it?
whiteboy896 9
i dont know about you guys but flying cockroaches creep the hell out of me way more than some spiders..
Bentonic 11
Yeah! I'm fine with spiders, but I'm completely terrified of roaches!
Rallred32 20
Hey sgtasscheeks, how about you not ever use the word "n00b" ever, ever again. Seriously, it makes me cringe every time I hear it.
SgtAssCheeks 21
I wont stop using a word just to make a single person feel better. What I will though never say again is "That's a shitty situation". That one phrase has the power to burn down continents on this website.
LittlestV 28
I hate spiders but can't pinpoint why I hate them so much, or why they freak me out. Plenty of people have phobias or fears that they can't explain.
magickitten 26
#64 - Six limbs?
kieralumina 30
Spawns of Satan is more accurate.
metalhead4740 14
But did he die?
Jared900DUmpling 30
Welp, time to burn your house down. It's been good living there.
lil_ham1644 29
If you absolutely want it gone, Just trap the spider under a glass, slide a piece of paper under it & release it outside. No need to kill it. They are very helpful creatures.
Nickb55 16
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Looks like it's time to burn the house down!
FucYoCouch 13
What? Burn down the house? SURELY you're kidding. Anyone in this situation knows that the only option here is to nuke the neighborhood, change their name to something obviously fake such as; Jack Mehoff, Igotta LottaSwagger, or Edward Cullen. They must then hope that Thor opens a portal to Asgard and allows him to become an Asgardian. That's by far your best bet, Op. Wikipedia said so and wikipedia never lies.
Bano360 25
Mike Hunt, another good candidate for a name.
drewflav 17
lol 37, that's a reference I haven't heard in a while. Well done!
airbear18 15
I'm pretty sure wiki does lie... I was researching volcanoes For middle school the website was...wiki. but it talked about stuff not related
hnz 13
If it's at your home, than you better do something about it. If not, run.
trellz17 19
Raid is your best friend right now
SgtAssCheeks 21
Or fire. Really I must be messed up in my mind because I don't find spiders any creepier than a McDonald's Happy Meal. Squash these little turds with your heel or spray that trusty Raid and watch them drop by the dozens. Why run? Unless they're lethally poisonous, fight them back, they won't eat you like a python!
Gittoh 21
depends on the species, I simply make them crawl onto something and then shake them off outside. if they are super small, I have this bugg-remover tool. you safely catch them and can safely release them outside.
SgtAssCheeks 21
Show passive support; yes. The spiders will become your allies and help you out in a number of ways like, putting spider webs around your house to protect you from other bugs and bees as well as-- What are you doing with that newspaper?
Bentonic 11
(Bane voice) "You think the spiders are your allies, Batman! I was raised by them, molded by them!"
katina1236 20
Sorry, but I love your profile pic. It looks like it's plotting world domination, and then your comment also made me laugh
SgtAssCheeks 21
*Mosquito flies into web* (Bane Voice) LET THE GAMES BEGIN
Leylafayth 4
Run and never look back.