Today, I returned home from a month long trip overseas to find that my bird sitter has trained my parrot to whisper, "You're going to die" in a sinister voice. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
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Today, around 12 a.m., my pet parrot said a sentence I've never heard him say before. Usually this would be exciting, but considering he said, 'I killed the bird', and that one of my two love birds mysteriously died a few days ago, it's safe to say I'm now terrified. FML
Today, after months of teaching my parrot to speak, he finally demonstrated his abilities. I accidentally set off my smoke detector, and he's been wailing like a dying banshee ever since. FML
Today, I have to look after my best friend's parrot for a few days. One minute out of the room, I came back in to find out that the parrot had taught my three-year-old the word "slut". Now the two won't stop screaming "slut" throughout the whole house. My wife thinks both learned the word from me. FML
Today, I woke up at 3:00 am to the sound of a bird screeching. Turns out, my roommate bought a parrot without consulting me first. Even better, my roommate expects me to pay for half of the bird's expenses. FML
Today, I was driving my parrot home from the vet. As I was driving home, I decided to let her sit on my shoulder. Something scared her, and she started flapping in my face, causing me to crash my car into a tree. FML
Today, on vacation, I had my first encounter with a macaw parrot, who promptly bit my ear and shat on me while amused tourists laughed and took pictures. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. In his front room was a giant parrot. Hoping to impress them, I went over to the bird and began talking to it proving I wasn't scared. Out of nowhere, it's beak clenched onto my nose making it gush blood on the carpet. I was hospitalized. FML
Today, my parrot learned how to imitate my baby's crying. Now, every time the baby cries, the parrot joins in, and it sounds like a chorus of screaming. FML
Today, I found out my ten year-old brother and his best friend have taught our new parrot to say, "Shut up, bitch." We have a bunch of our extended family coming over tomorrow to see what the parrot can say. FML
Today, I witnessed the beautiful sight of a tiny baby bird struggling to take flight from its nest. "You can do it," I muttered, which I guess my asswipe of a cat heard as "Quick, go kill that bird and scar me for life, please." FML
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Top comments
TheDrifter 23
That is just awesome. Don't tell people before they stay over, trust me, it'll be great.
wootwootimahoot 10
The sitter should have taught it to say "Help! I'm trapped in a parrot's body!"
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Comments (99)
FMLbutYDI 17
Watch your back.
klaralynn 17
The number of YDI 's at this moment is 911. I agree. Watch your back, keep your phone near by.
whos_ur_daddy1 19
Probably should buy a new bird...
edris_305 21
Dont feed it at midnight or let it go near water :-p
Akay4 14
In the end everybody does.
rg350dx 29
Well aren't you just a ray of sunshine?
evan_7899 28
this made laugh so hard...
MisterEx 28
^ then you must be easily entertained. It's a gift. Embrace it.
TheDrifter 23
That is just awesome. Don't tell people before they stay over, trust me, it'll be great.
herpaderpaherp 17
That would scare the shit out of me
wootwootimahoot 10
The sitter should have taught it to say "Help! I'm trapped in a parrot's body!"
LeonnJ 13
That would be AWESOME
dancinwookie 21
Maybe he was yelling, "You're gonna die!" at the bird in frustration? They are noisy lil b@$tards!
ManInTheMachine 19
You sure it was the trainer? Your parrot might be an incarnation of Jack the Ripper. Just watch your back. Don't want to wake up to a butcher knife and "BWARRR! Polly gonna get away with murder!"
Welshite 39
No crackers for him!
Sekkaichi 12
At least the parrot doesn't regurgitate any moaning noises.
OhDearBetrayal 25
I would rather hear "Oh Johnny, give it to me good," than that. It's freaky at night.
outoftown 26
8 - And now won't, since OP's love-life is shot to hell.
adyer555 5
Are you sure it was trained to do that? Maybe it really wants to kill you.
rg350dx 29
The sitter just taught it the English language and finally gave the parrot a way to communicate its true feelings.
dramaelf 37
Tell him to watch it or he'll be an ex-parrot.
Calingaladha 21
Maybe it's just pining for the fjords.
fluffypigeon 8
Imagine getting up on your first night back for a glass of water and hearing that... Fyl OP, fyl.