Today, I was out walking my dog. A cute woman said, "Nice dog!" Without thinking, I replied, "You too!" FML
Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death", otherwise known as my dildo. FML
Today, I was straightening my hair when I heard this crunching, sizzling sound. Taking the flat iron away, I realized that I had just fused a spider to my hair with the heat. FML
Today, I was cuddling in bed with my girlfriend after a night of heavy drinking. She rolled towards me, looked me in the eyes and sweetly said, "I love you". Her morning breath was so bad that I had to jump up and rush to the bathroom to vomit, leaving a trail along the way. FML
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