emorottie

Today, I was so bored I googled the word "bored." The results were boring. FML

Meat is murder

Today, I went on my first date with a girl I have been infatuated with for months. At the restaurant, the waiter came while she was in the bathroom. I ordered steaks for both of us. Turns out, she is vegetarian, and doesn't like it when men are "overly aggressive." She called me a cow murderer. FML

Today, my wife told me she was very horny as we have not had sex in about two weeks, so I told her to do something for me to get me in the mood. She sighed and then went upstairs to get ready for work. FML

Today, the love of my life sent me a text saying "touch my pork". Somehow I don't think my feelings are mutual. FML