littlelia

Today, I found out that the mysterious smell from under my bed was my cats collection of dead mice. FML

Today, I was having some intense sex with my boyfriend. I was wailing so loud that my neighbors decided to call the police on us. According to them, it sounded like I was "being tortured to death". FML

Today, I realized that my pubes are longer than my penis itself. FML

Today, my girlfriend will only speak to me using Lady Gaga lyrics. FML

Today, I came home with a friend to find my mom scratching my dad's butt with a fork. FML

WTF are you doing in here?

Today, I drove into a cluster of dustbins thanks to my dozy cat who'd managed to get into my car, fall asleep, and wake up while I was driving to work. I lost control when I was startled by him staring at me in the rear-view mirror. FML

Got talent?

Today, our school chorus went to a senior citizens' home. An elderly lady died during my solo. FML

Today, I realized that I probably have anger issues. I came to this conclusion after I finished screaming abuse at the microwave for beeping before I could hit the off switch. FML

Do that again

Today, in the midst of having sex, my boyfriend decided that, as a joke, he would pretend to be a zombie whilst going down on me. Sadly, the thought turned me so much that I came. This was the first orgasm he's ever given me in over a year of dating. FML

Today, I got pulled over. When the cop asked where I was coming from, reflexively I said, "Your mom's house." FML

Today, my dad got so drunk that he proposed to me. FML

Today, my grandma seemingly decided that it was a really nice day to put my cat in the dryer. FML

Ooooommmmmmmm

Today, I had to ask my mum not to meditate while driving. FML

You have been warned

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her huge, ex-Marine father took me out back, saying he wanted to show me something. That something was a machete. He savagely buried it in a tree stump and said, "Son, if you break my daughter's heart, that'll be your dick." FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were having dinner with my family. He killed a bug and ate it. FML

DIY

Today, since I'm too broke to get a new one, I had to duct tape my bra. FML

Today, instead of waking up to soft sunlight creeping in the window or the gentle trill of birds, I was awakened by the sound of my dog vomiting all over my bed. FML

Today, while driving home from school, I noticed one of our hot quarterbacks in the car behind me. Trying to impress him, I pulled into the driveway of an expensive-looking house. To my horror, he pulled in behind me and asked what I was doing at his house. FML

Don't feed the trolls

Today, I was trolling in a chat room when someone said, quote, "He's just a no-life, unemployed loser still living in his mom's basement. Probably spends all day stroking his tiny dong and fantasizing about having a real girlfriend." I actually started crying because it was so accurate. FML

Impressive

Today, I was at the gym trying to impress a hot girl, so I put an extra 30 pounds on the bar, I lowered, pushed... and pooped. FML

Grooming

Today, I trimmed my beard. When I showed my wife, she said, "Yeah, but you still look like a serial killer." FML

Today, my neighborhood had its annual summer barbecue, and I ended up showing a little boy who lives down the street how to hit a baseball. When I gave him back his bat so he could try for himself, he swung it into my shin and yelled, "Tag! You're it!" FML

Today, I overheard my 11-year-old son giving my 8-year-old daughter the sex talk. FML

Today, I learned why one should never insert a tampon after squeezing lemons. FML

Today, my friends and I were playing truth or dare game. It was late and we were drunk, so they dared me to run naked into my neighbor's yard while yelling, "Help! The pixies took my penis!" I ran screaming right into their big family reunion. FML