imaweener

Today, while in bed with my game-obsessed girlfriend, she told me I was a "noob" in bed. FML

Today, I was checking out a gorgeous woman in spandex with beautiful flowing long black hair on the treadmill at the gym. I spent a few minutes just watching her body move and ripple under the material. She turned off the treadmill and got off, only for me to find out that it was a guy. FML

Today, I bought Plan B for the first time. Not because I had unprotected sex, but to make the cashier think someone would actually sleep with me. FML

Today, I found out how mature the guy I'm seeing is. After sex, he took the condom off and hit me in the face with it. FML

Hungry eyes

Today, I was eating pizza with my girlfriend. She got sauce on the corner of her mouth so I tried to be sexy and lick it off. It wasn't sauce, it was a cluster of zits. FML

Today, I found out my ex-boyfriend is getting engaged. He broke up with me five months ago because our relationship was too serious for him. FML

Today, I got food poisoning and have had the worst diarrhea ever. I laid down in bed, hoping to get some rest when my dad thought it'd be a good idea to sneak into my room and scare the shit out of me. Literally. FML

Please don't do that

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. He suddenly pulled away, goes, "OMNOMNOMNOM" then continued kissing me. FML

Today, I was driving back home after hanging out with some friends. I drove pass a woman standing next to a broken down car. I felt bad, so went back and offered her a ride home. Turns out it wasn't her car and she was a hooker. FML

Today, I lost my phone. I tried to call it using my husband's phone, but couldn't figure out which of the three Kates in the contact list was me. Turns out, two are co-workers and one is his aunt. I was listed under Satan. FML

Today, I put on some goggles on in the pool, only to go underwater and see an old man "discreetly" jerking it. FML

Today, my boyfriend questioned why I always put my shirts in the dryer right before wearing them. I told him it was because the dryer causes my shirts to regain their form and tightness. His response: "You should throw your vagina in there along with them." FML