sydaam0210

Today, I finally lost my virginity. In my boyfriend's racecar bed. FML

Alexa, play "The Sign" by Ace of Base

Today, I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me. When I confronted her, she yelled at me for not noticing the signs sooner. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that if I ever cheated on him, he'll chop my body up and dispose of all the parts, but keep my boobies, because he likes them. FML

Ed Shitren

Today, after spending months learning how to play the guitar and memorizing the music to my girlfriend's all-time favorite song, I performed it for her. Her response? "Well, you kind of ruined that song for me now." FML

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend at a grocery store. We haven't seen each other since we broke up a few months ago, and when he introduced me, he called me by the wrong name. We dated for three years. FML

Get out of here

Today, my girlfriend hated the idea of sex so much she was willing to give me money for a stripper. FML

Today, I accidentally moaned my own name during sex. FML

Today, I was cooking with super hot ghost peppers. The package said "After handling them not to touch your eyes, nose or pets". They should've added "penis" to that list. FML

Today, I received numerous text messages from my parents asking where I was and how worried they are. I was in my room, they didn't even notice me walk in. FML

Today, my parents tried to convince me to get a divorce. My wife and I are perfectly fine. FML

Today, I bought a key finder that responds to loud, high-pitched, annoying tones. It beeps every time I talk. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Afterwards, he said he was in love with me and that he wants to be with me forever. It was also at this time I realised that I can't stand him. FML

Today, my boyfriend changed his relationship status on Facebook to "Single" and his status to "I'm not kidding, leave your key on the counter." FML

Today, I found out that when my mom says she's going to kick me in the head to wake me up for an important interview, she actually means it. FML

Today, I received a letter from the state saying my 14-year-old daughter is now legally recognized as a male. I have no idea what happened. FML

Today, while driving to my girlfriend's house, I passed up a stop sign without stopping. A car passing by honked. I honked back several times and flipped them the finger. Turns out it was my girlfriend's dad trying to say hi. FML

Today, while working at a pizza place with my girlfriend, I called my boss to tell him we were short on sausage. Under her breath I heard my girlfriend say, "sounds like somebody I know." FML

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I have never read any of the Harry Potter books. FML

Follow your dreams

Today, inspired by my own relationship, I encouraged my best friend to go after the guy she likes. She did, and I'm now single. FML

My precious

Today, in preparation for proposing to my girlfriend, I borrowed one of her rings so I could discreetly get her ring size. Not only have I now lost the ring, which turns out to be a keepsake from her dead grandmother, I still don't know her ring size. FML

Today, my mother-in-law moved into my wife's two-bedroom apartment. She's quite possibly the reincarnation of Hitler himself, and she'll be staying until this time next year. FML

Today, I was watching TV with my boyfriend, when a World of Warcraft commercial came on. He turned to me and said, "Yeah, I'd choose the Horde over you any day." FML

Today, I got my period at school. I didn't notice until a boy asked me if I'd killed someone in my pants. FML

Heckler hell

Today, I had a band concert and my mum got kicked out. She screamed "BORING!" in the middle of it. FML

This ain't no place to be if you planned on bein' a star

Today, I took my car to a drive-through car wash. It wasn't until after my back seat was filled with foam and I had been squirted in the face that I realized my back seat window was rolled down. FML

Today, while I was peacefully sleeping, I felt a hand suddenly slap my forehead. Then fingers began to press against my mouth, then nose, then eyes. I finally woke up to my girlfriend laughing hysterically. She'd confused me with her clock-radio. FML

Today, after over a year of lifestyle changes and a ritualistic exercise regime, I finally reached my goal weight. I excitedly told my boyfriend, and he responded, "Yeah, that's nice, but now your tits are tiny". FML

Today, I found my boyfriend passed out on the floor. Then I passed out, due to anxiety of seeing him passed out. FML

Today, I realized my self confidence is based on the amount of "likes" I have on my Facebook statuses. FML

Today, I hosted a "Night Out Against Crime" party at our local park. Only three people came, they robbed our fundraiser booth. FML