Today, in frustration, I threw a spanner across the room at work, but it bounced back and hit me in the head. I woke up in an ambulance with a cracked skull and a gorgeous EMT lady. I would've tried to ask her out, but while I was out cold I'd pissed myself, and the whole ambulance reeked of it. FML
Today, I survived the last round of layoffs. What didn't survive is my team, my manager, and my tasks. Now I'm "reporting" to a VP who used to be three levels above me and has never heard of me. I'm waiting for HR to wake up and realize that this change literally means I get six figures for doing nothing. FML
Today, I looked at house listings, found my parents' home, empty and repainted. I hope they're OK. No calls. I'd been gone for months, ill, weak, and struggling to recover. They knew this. They threw away life memories, my body of work, new clothing and supplies for when I got back on my feet, and more. Gutted. FML
Mistakes were made...
Today, and everyday for the past year and a half, I've felt miserable. I took the decision to leave, not knowing that it would be hell. Now I'm stuck thinking it's good for my future, and too scared to leave. I hate it and hate everything and everyone in this place. I want to leave and I need the courage. The future terrifies me. FML
Today, outraged about the high gas prices, I thought it would be funny to buy some stickers of Joe Biden saying, “I did that” to put them on the gas pumps next to the prices. I was caught by the owner, and am no longer welcome in that gas station for “vandalism.” FML
Today, I sat down on my couch with a nice cool beer after a tough day at work. I tried opening a bag of chips. The bag exploded, covering me in chips and crumbs, turning me into a sticky human nacho. Well, my dog certainly saw me as a snack, and I had to shower and change clothes. So much for relaxing. FML
Today, I went to a cook out and sat on a flimsy plastic chair. Halfway through my burger, the chair gave out, and I collapsed in front of everyone, still holding the burger. Someone shouted, “At least you saved the burger!” while everyone laughed. FML
Today, my coworker was talking about how he fixed his broken marriage and how his wife adores him. I asked for his advice, since mine has been rough. He started talking about God and Christianity and how religion showed him the path. Uhh... nope, I think I'll stick with things the way they are. FML
Today, It's been a week since I asked out the girl I like. We knew each other as kids, and reconnected. We get along perfectly, understand each other's humor, and have similar hobbies, as well as having been on a few dates. She said we can only be friends. She won't stop texting me "What's wrong?" asking to hang out. FML
Today, I was dogsitting at my friend's house and accidentally left my car door unlocked because I was running in to drop off my interview clothes. I came back outside to see a homeless man in my driver's seat, rummaging. I had to fight him. He was terrified. I couldn’t stop shaking for hours after. FML
Today, I was munching on almonds while sitting through a long, boring Teams meeting. I was asked a question unexpectedly, causing me to choke while trying to swallow, right as I put the camera on & turned off mute. Some it sprayed out of my nose. FML
Today, I opened my lunch at work to discover that my sandwich was a soggy mess. The Tupperware I'd put it in was a piece of crap, and all the mayo had leaked out. I tried to salvage it but then spilled the whole thing in my lap. I ended up eating my lunch with a plastic fork, and even my fingers, like an angry animal. FML
Today, I did a pregnancy announcement with my boyfriend and our families. My boyfriend acted happy until we were driving home, then claimed I pressured him with witnesses, started to cry because he doesn’t want kids, and by the end was begging me to give it up for adoption. FML
Today, I was cooking dinner when I noticed a cockroach on the kitchen counter. I reflexively tried to spray it with what I had to hand, which was window cleaner, but it seems to have pissed it off and flew right at me instead. I screamed and ran out of the kitchen, leaving the roach in charge. FML
Today, after a bad head cold, my boyfriend woke up, shambled to the bathroom and sniffled. He then pulled the biggest booger I've ever seen out of his nose; it looked like a giant slug. He took a picture, then set it as his lock screen. FML
Today, it's been a week since my family moved from a city to a house we inherited out in the middle of nowhere. It's horrible! There's wild animals everywhere, my dad says I have to help take care of the house now, it's a thirty minute ride to school, there's no sidewalks, and I hate it here! I want to go back! FML
Today, I was told that due to budget cuts, my employment will be terminated. I maxed out all my credit cards shopping and traveling for Christmas. I threw away the receipt for most of the items I’d bought. $7,200 in debt and unemployed, what a great way to start the new year. FML
Today, my husband has erectile dysfunction and is too scared to see a local doctor to get prescription helpers. He wants me to fly to another country and buy them over the counter for him instead! And I'm travelling next week. Not sure which is worse. FML
Today, my cat is five years-old and still looks like a very chunky kitten. I'd been worried for the past three or four years that something was wrong with her, because she wasn't growing to a normal size. It turns out that's literally her natural size, and she's perfectly healthy. I was stressing over nothing. FML
Today, I took my dog to the vet. He sat on my lap the whole car ride, licking my face and acting like my best friend. As soon as we got inside, he turned into a Tasmanian devil and pissed on my shoes, all while looking at me like I'd betrayed him. FML
Today, my attention deficit has gotten so bad that I started watching Family Guy on YouTube to avoid doing any work, then ten seconds later I got bored, grabbed my phone, and looked up "sexy cartoon porn." FML
Another wonderful FML video created by the not-so-wonderful Louis.
Today, I’ve realized I have paid $1700 on repairs for a vehicle that I’ve only have had for six months. I traded in my previous vehicle to avoid this problem. FML
Today, I was reminded once again how isolated I am while processing data errors. I work with sealed records, and I can't ask anyone for help, or share a laugh at any of the ridiculous names I see. Sigh. FML
Today, I was washing dishes after eating Christmas leftovers. I pulled a knife out of the drying rack and put it away to avoid cutting myself on it, yet I still managed to scrape my thumb on an errant fork in the sink. FML
Today, my daughter announced that she's pregnant. I'm going to be a 37 year-old grandmother. FML
Today, as a college student on a budget, I treated myself to a haircut. The stylist asked if I liked it, even though it was much shorter than I wanted, and I said yes. When I got home, my roommate asked if I had joined the military. My mom asked if I was OK. I'm wearing hats for the foreseeable future. FML
Today, I was getting ready to make love to my boyfriend for the first time. I wear shapewear shorts to keep my FUPA and thighs under control, so when I removed those, he recoiled and said, “Fuck that shit, what happened to your body?” He promptly dumped me for “catfishing” him and told me to leave his house. FML
Today, while I was shaving my nose started to itch. Guess which I shaved and which I itched. FML
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