Today, I am once again dealing with severe depression and anxiety. I go through this cycle every three months. I’ve tried almost every antidepressant available and nothing helps. I’m sick of it and sick of life. FML
Today, I was at a friend’s wedding, and when it came time to make a toast, I tried to stand up to make a speech. My suit jacket got caught on the chair, and I ended up falling flat on my back. The speech was drowned out by everyone laughing. FML
Today, after two frustrating days of being stuck, I finally switched my old door knob that had a broken latch. Now I can’t find the set of keys to the replacement I just installed. FML
Today, my husband came running with his phone to “show me what our son did.” Was it a funny dance video? No. Was it a neat drawing? No. It was a turd. A foot long turd curled up in the toilet bowl. And it came out of our 5 year-old. He’s his daddy’s boy all right. Ew. FML
Today, my boyfriend begged me to spend an extra night at his house. I agreed, cancelled my Uber, and arranged for my pets to be cared for, since I wasn't coming home. Five minutes later, he decided that he had to work tonight instead. Then he got angry at me for leaving. FML
Today, I'm a recovering self-harm addict (yes, that’s a thing). I’ve been doing well for years, but lately I’ve had intense urges to hurt myself by biting or scratching. I know the urges would go away if I acted on them, but I don’t want to hurt my family by hurting myself. FML
Today, I have family over and even though they can see I'm stepping away to go take a shower, instead of interacting with my child who they supposedly love, they ignore her to the point where she comes crying to the bathroom door. So now I gotta move quicker? FML
Today, I had to bail my husband out from jail for almost killing someone. What happened? He and my sister-in-law were in an grocery store when she spotted his old high school nemesis, who back then was the biggest bully in school. She thought that it would be "exciting" to see what would happen if their paths crossed again. FML
Today, I was expecting new computer parts so I can upgrade my hardware. I was hoping they would get here before I had to leave for work, but they showed up half an hour after my shift started. Now I have $700 worth of computer hardware sitting on my porch for my whole shift. FML
Today, I'm pissed about the fact that I've been fighting off the same cold for the last two weeks. At this rate, I'll still be sick when I need my next injection of the medicine that kills my immune system. FML
Today, I took my two kids to a restaurant with a graffiti-themed wall and took some lovely pictures that I promptly posted to family on social media. I didn't notice until a couple of hours later it said "ANAL?" in huge writing behind my dear child's head. FML
Today, my dog has a better social life than I do. He has more playdates scheduled than I have actual human plans this month. I'm officially my dog's social secretary. FML
Today, I set aside a weekend to spend time with a friend. I learned that someone else is staying there: a fat, unemployed man-child who talks shit about us on Facebook, while his manipulative wife pays his bills. He got evicted from his last home when he pretended to be a ninja and cut up his neighbor's garden. FML
Today, I was at a restaurant when I made eye contact with a baby across the room. It smiled at me, so I smiled back. The baby immediately started screaming. Everyone stared at me like I'd just threatened it. FML
Today, after I tried to plan a surprise party for my friend, and a series of miscommunications and accidental reveals, it turned it into a surprise party for myself. I walked into a room filled with people shouting, "Surprise!" FML
Today, I was at a grocery store when I saw a kid waving enthusiastically at me. Thinking he was adorable, I waved back with a big smile. The kid looked horrified and ran to his mom, screaming, "Stranger danger!" Everyone in the store aisle turned to stare at me like I was some sort of creep. FM
Today, someone was sent to our house to fix our broken garage door. Mom asked me to pay for it, telling me she'd pay me back this weekend. It was supposed to be about $300 and some change. The door was so broken, it ended up costing $1000, cleaning out my whole savings account. FML
Today, my coworker screamed at me for once again calling her by a different coworker's name. They have the same hair, skin color, and body type, so I honestly don’t know how I’m supposed to tell them apart. FML
Today, after my son got his first girlfriend at 19, a nice girl as well, he broke up with her after 3 days because women are "too much effort", too "expensive", and keep trying to make him "do things." Unbelievable. Three days with a woman turned him into a cynical 65 year-old who's been married for 40 years. FML
Today, my parents complained to me that I never talk to them about my hobbies and interests, or what I do in general. Well, maybe if you at least pretended to show any sort of interest when I do, instead of just replying dismissively to everything I say until I leave, I might talk about them more. FML
Today, it was the seventh anniversary of my grandfather's passing. It was also my cousin's funeral (suicide). Brad Arnold's death was also announced. At the end of an exhausting day, I got dumped. Fuck February 8th. FML
Today, I woke up from a dream where I was talking with my Pa, who raised me, about my life. He and I drank coffee and talked and he told me everything will be OK. I will never talk with him again; he passed almost 59 years ago and I never got to say goodbye or tell him how much I loved him. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. We got on the discussion of animals, and I showed them a picture of my cat on my phone. Being a touchscreen, when her father grabbed it, it changed picture. To a picture of my girlfriend, fully nude. FML
Today, I had a Tesla nearly run me off the road. Then after I parked, I crossed the street at a crosswalk. A car stopped for me, rolled his window down, then yelled at me for wearing a black raincoat. Mean people make me want to be mean to everyone. FML
Today, my ex-best friend reached out just to be a dick. We all had tickets to a concert and she decided that she didn't want to go. She said that I could find someone to sell her ticket to, and I did, but then she sold it to someone that I'm not friends with anymore, and told me that she "can do whatever she wants :)". FML
Today, we're visiting my wife's extended family. They're nice people but they eat like crap; I haven't had a single fresh vegetable or fruit in days, and everything they cook is overcooked and smothered in cheap sauce or "seasonings." My stomach is about to go on strike. FML
Today, I was having sex with my partner and we got very into it. I went to wrap my hand around his neck and somehow accidentally poked my finger in his eye socket so hard he ended up in emergency. He still can’t see properly out of that eye now. FML
Today, my son's laziness has now reached such a low that he now can’t be bothered to drink his pop from a glass, he just sets up the big pop bottle next to his bed and drinks it through a flexible, two metre long rubber tube. I’d be impressed at the ingenuity if I weren’t so mad at him. FML
Today, as a breakdown technician, I was sent to a woman whose jeep wouldn’t start. The tank was empty, and when I told her she got pissy, then calmed down and asked where to buy spare tires because her jeep didn’t have one. I actually had to show her the tire in the round storage case on the back. FML
Today, I am babysitting my niece for the first time. After getting her to go to sleep, I felt a sudden urge to sneeze. My sneezes are loud as hell. Attempts to dampen the sound were unsuccessful. My colossal sneeze scared the bejesus out of her, waking her up again, and now she's afraid of me. What do I do now? FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
