Today, despite having pretty bad social anxiety and clinical depression, and hardly ever leaving the house, I spent an hour and a half at a store figuring out what size pants I am. They just cancelled my order. FML
Today, back when my son had an imaginary friend at 3 years-old it was cute; when he was 7 it was concerning; now he’s 15, still talks to him, and is refusing to see a therapist, even though I’m genuinely scared, it’s a thin line between imaginary friends and hearing voices in your head. FML
Today, I learned that there are people who actually, unironically believe that Danny Masterson is innocent. Faith in humanity: Gone. FML
Today, I caught my cousin's husband ogling me at a party. I decided to talk to him, but each time he'd avoid me. Eventually I confronted him about staring at me; he then pointed at the front of my dress, my nipple had slightly snuck out of my low-cut dress. FML
Today, I heard that my ex wrecked my car. He'd "borrowed it" and has had it for 2 months. He refused to return it. I went to the police and they went behind my back and "attempted" to retrieve it yesterday, without me. This just caused him to run away. FML
Today, my coworker, who constantly no-shows, ranted to me about his work hours being reduced. He somehow doesn't realize that he's the problem. We're understaffed as of now, so they can't fire him, and I have to be there constantly to make up for him being a lazy ass. My days off have been few and far between. FML
Today, I was walking to my friends Halloween themed birthday party in my zombie costume. Apparently, my crazy coke addicted neighbor found the costume too realistic. He tackled me. FML
Today, and for the past 3 days, my sister has been whining and crying about her “breakup” with her “boyfriend”. It’s the most annoying thing ever and I haven’t been able to sleep. FML
Today, I've been making extremely good progress in my online class. Or at least… I was, until the deadline to complete it was suddenly pushed a whole month forward, causing me to be "behind." Then my teacher had the nerve to email me, telling me I needed to catch up. FML
Today, my husband abuses me emotionally and manipulates me, in front of our kids too. Now my 7 year-old daughter has started the same behaviour towards me. If I weren't such a coward, I would run far, taking her away, and wouldn't look back, but unfortunately I deserve it for staying I guess. FML
Today, my darling first born 23 year-old son just called me, a single mum who works full time, disgusting because I’ve gained weight and been too busy to go to the gym. He’s living at home and not paying rent, despite working. FML
Today, I thought I knew what sexual frustration was in my teens, but that was nothing compared to a (due to circumstances, but still) sexless married life, in a shitty economy. I'm so tense, I could tear down a wall with my bare hands right now. FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend still hangs out with her "abusive, violent, psychotic, misogynistic, manipulative" ex. I told her to block him and she pitched a mega tantrum. Now I'm single again. FML
Today, my girlfriend got drunk and started crying, begging me to never break up with her, only for her to say 10 minutes later, "I don’t wanna be with you anymore." Then she asked me if she could buy me some pot, and, "Let’s watch movies." FML
Today, my right arm was broken preventing a woman being hit by a van speeding through a zebra crossing. One of my eyes is also swollen shut from where she kicked me in the face as I was on the ground, for “grabbing her boob”. Stupid ungrateful bitch. FML
Today, my desperate cousin "visited" my house demanding that I pay him back his mom's flatbed scanner I broke, in the tune of $3000, which should cover for "interest." Yes, I remember: Our aunt bought it for $29.95 on Black Friday. My sister is the one who broke it, and then blamed it on me. All of this happened back in 1998. FML
Today, my ex, who “didn’t believe in posting our relationship on social media”, has no problem posting his new girlfriend and showing her off. He acts like he won a very valuable prize with her, and I was left in the shadows for the whole year we dated. FML
Today, I went to look at a used car I was really looking forward to driving. It wasn't in as good condition as I'd hoped. The seller still expected me to buy it, even after he had to spray in half a can of Oklahoma Choke octane booster just to get it to fire up. FML
Today, I realized I'm so lonely I would rather pretend I don't know I'm being cheated on than leave. We've been together a year and he's my virtual boyfriend. FML
Today, I caught my boyfriend messaging flirty texts with one of the nurses who cared for him while he was in inpatient rehabilitation at the VA Medical Center for alcohol abuse. Not to mention he is back drinking daily. I suck at relationships. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were "fooling around." It started to get hot and he took out his penis for the first time. This was the first one I've seen in real life so I decided I'd complimented it. I had no idea what to say so I said, "It's pretty." FML
Today, I needed to call my mom to get some info so I dialled the number on my work phone. Not 2 seconds after, my cellphone rang. I got super pissed off because I hate when people call me on my cell at work. It was me. I'd dialled my own number. FML
Today, I had a meeting with our partner company from Japan. I was instructed beforehand on bowing but when the time came I panicked, stood way too close, and headbutted their boss in the boobs. I was “politely” asked to leave the meeting. I’m so embarrassed. FML
Today, I found out my mom was a swinger when I opened a closet and saw a water bottle saying something with "Swinger Club" on it, with three bags beside it with all kinds of shit in it. She's also doing pole dancing "as a sport" and wanted to have one installed in our living room. My parents divorced just a couple of months ago. FML
Today, I left my student in charge of locking up because my wife was sending me risqué texts during a thunderstorm. When I got home, the windows broke and the living room got flooded. I then found out that my student didn't lock up properly and all my art got soaked. Everything got wet except me. FML
Today, my toddler is sick yet again. The only way he will sleep is me walking with him. It's 2:30 am, and I'm supposed to start back to full time employment in… 5 hours. Parenthood is not for the weak. FML
Today, I happily introduced my stepfather to my friends as my dad. He told me, "Don't ever fucking call me that." FML
Today, I was running a D&D game. I invited my nephew to come along to try and distract him, as his brother took his life two weeks ago. Stupidly, I had only skimmed through the module I was running (as I run multiple) and didn't realise that today's session involved gallows. Guess how his brother took his life? FML
Today, weeks after I tried to make connections with my husband's relatives by talking and being nice to them, basic courtesy, the relative's daughter gave me a 300$ Sephora makeup list that she expects me to gift her. We're not broke, but this seems a little too much to me. Is it me? FML
Today, I had awesome sex with my ex. Again. I broke up with her a few weeks ago as she admittedly hadn't been attracted to me anymore in a long time. Now she says that after we broke up she doesn't feel any pressure anymore, and can enjoy sex with me again like she did before she moved in with me. FML
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