Today, I realised I get called “buddy” and “champ” at work more than I get called my actual name, I’m 27. FML
Today, my boyfriend invited a quiet guy in a suit to "step outside", all because he thought, wrongly, that he was trying to chat me up. Quiet guy declines, and my boyfriend called him chickenshit. Quiet guy and boyfriend step outside; boyfriend spends the next 5 minutes getting beaten up. I had to take him to hospital. FML
Today, after five years of being with my boyfriend, I found out that he is apparently very xenophobic. FML
Today, there's a campaign in my country advertising natural dog food. Apparently, nobody amongst the creators speaks English. How do I know? The hashtag they came up with is #SimplyBarf. FML
Today, I realized that I’m so used to be stood up or ghosted for dates that I don’t even bother getting ready. FML
Today, I discovered that my old roommate had left a full bag of cat litter on my porch and all over my yard. FML
Today, I realized my cat has a foot fetish. She keeps randomly flopping over on my feet while I'm walking, and will lick my toes if I am barefooted. I have absolutely no idea where this came from, but it makes me super uncomfortable. Even my other cat looks at her like she's gone insane. FML
Today, I discovered the brand of condoms my parents use. It was in the same grocery bag as my food. FML
Today, my country isn’t exactly cold, but with our house being what it is, the only difference in summer is that you can actually turn off the heating, and if you’re lucky, you still won’t need to wear long underwear inside. Much. FML
Today, like the rest of the past year, I had to hear my roommate as he works as tech support from home. The man does not have an "inside voice" but echoes across multiple floors like a tuba, as he debugs people's software issues over the phone. Talking to him about it only makes him angry… and louder. FML
Today, I feel so lonely I talked to the likely scam number that called me. Even then they hung up after 2 minutes of talking to me. FML
Today, I’m at this huge beach party in Thailand. I kiss a beautiful girl and decide to take it to the next level. While putting my hand under her skirt, I feel something out of place. I look at her and she says, “What? You prefer ladies?” FML
Today, I've reached the age as a sexless loser where my family no longer tells me to find a "single lady" but rather a "single mother". Thanks for reminding me everyone else had fun in their twenties. FML
Today, I watched an old man pee himself while he was talking to me at work. I didn't do anything or say something, solely because he didn't get any on the floor. FML
Today, on this edition of me getting pimples in painful or uncomfortable places, I got a huge one on the side of my neck. I never thought that simply turning my head would be such a horrendously painful task. Also, the afflicted area of my neck suddenly itches like crazy. FML
Today, a guy I had developed feelings for broke things off with me, giving me a version of the “it’s not you, it’s me” line. This was the first person I had liked/wanted to date in almost 8 years. I think I’m destined to be alone. FML
Today, my boxing trainer texted me, "You don't know shit about boxing" then blocked me on Instagram, all because I said Tyson Fury vs. Dillian Whyte was a trash, lackluster fight on my story. This is the same trainer who said I have good boxing skills and show potential. Sorry for my opinion I guess? FML
Today, looking out of my window, I spotted a fire raging in the building across from my apartment. Grabbing my phone, I dashed out to the balcony, only to slam into the screen door instead. After calling 911, I sprinted back out, only to clock the door a second time. FML
Today, I'm bitterly disappointed in New Zealand Immigration. Two days until our flight to visit my daughter, who I haven't seen in 10 years, and still no visa after a three month wait since I applied. What a waste of 40 thousand bucks for tickets. FML
Today, I discovered that apparently my six-year-old daughter actually believes that the United States is the only country with advanced technology. FML
Today, I went to the dentist to get a cavity filled. The numbing medication didn't work, so I felt everything. I was in so much pain that I accidentally bit down on the dentist's finger, causing him to yell in agony. Now, I have to find a new dentist. FML
Today, I showed up at my mom’s with homemade soup, since she said she wasn’t hosting Christmas Eve because she had the flu. My entire family was there without me. FML
Today, my youngest son got lost while shopping. I was frantic, but my oldest son didn’t care, his opinion seemed to be "Who cares?" and "Quick, let’s leave before he turns up." He didn’t even unplug his earphones or look up from his phone. FML
Today, I watched my manager take his entire in tray of customer complaints and tip them straight into the recycling without reading them. At least this explains why we are consistently the “best store in the region for customer satisfaction.” Now I don’t know what to do about what I saw FML
Today, as I walked with a coworker to my office through a gas station, I slid on some oil and fell right on my ass. He helped by holding my lunch. My jeans are ruined and I'm too broke to buy a new pair. FML
Today, I discovered that of the three medicines I now have to take, all three of them have acne as a side effect. When acne is a side effect, I am 100% guaranteed to get it. FML
Today, I went to a job interview, and the interviewer asked me to give an example of a time I went above and beyond for a customer. I proudly told him about the time I drove a customer home when their car broke down. The interviewer then asked me if I had any examples from a professional setting. FML
Today, my mom was helping me plan for going to college. After 30 minutes of me getting more upset, and her getting more frustrated, she directed me to Tinder, a wedding venue website, and the local address for Planned Parenthood. Her actual words were, "There's no shame in being a stay at home dad these days." FML
Today, someone asked me a question and I responded with, “What?” They said, “Are you deaf as well as stupid!?” then punched me in the throat. I’m actually hard of hearing. FML
Today, I cleaned up the entire kitchen after sending the kids to school. I decided to have a nice cup of tea, and then knocked the tea over into the bin and the bin cabinet, the hardest and grossest thing to clean. FML
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