Today, I was so busy all the time that I actually got a thrill out of sitting down and taking the weight off my feet. On the toilet. FML
Today, I wore a new perfume to a first date in park. Halfway through, he kept sniffing the air and asked, “Do you smell onions?” Turns out the perfume reacted badly with my skin chemistry, making me smell like a taco stand. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I spent almost $500 adopting a senior cat and buying everything we needed to take care of him. He died 6 hours later. FML
Today, I can’t sleep because the moon is full. No, wait, that’s actually the floodlight from the neighboring farm shining in my window. Apparently, they thought it a good idea to hook the thing up to a motion detector, so the cats and mice can play disco lights at midnight. FML
Today, when I went to the bathroom, I found an earwig in my underpants. Yes, it was alive. FML
Today, I dislocated my big toe doing a stupid stunt to impress a woman, who turned out to be married anyway. The toe won’t go back in, so the doctor thinks it might need a surgical fix. I don’t have insurance so this is going to be fucking expensive. FML
Today, we had an argument and my husband called my mother right in front me. Two minutes later, she was on his side and yelling at me on FaceTime that I’m a bad wife, a pain in the ass, and a nagging bitch. The argument was about him leaving tools around for me to step on and cut my foot open with. FML
Today, it's been a few weeks now since I started dating a boy. A whole fairy tale relationship. He would write me poems and all that garbage. Today, we sat by a bonfire, and he randomly mentioned his three other girlfriends, and how I should accept them due to his family traditionally having cheating husbands. FML
Today, I visited the best cafe for the fourth time in a week. I’ve tried not to flirt with the same (hot) barista, I even mentioned my partner, but we chat and joke every time, and get on well. After I said bye and left, I heard a hasty, “Love you, bye.” It's maybe a joke, but he’s a total catch, and I don't know if I can go back there now. FML
Today, I signed up for a theater production as they needed extras. I had exactly one line in the entire play. During opening night, I became so focused on remembering the line, I forgot to walk on stage when it was my cue. People stood there on stage waiting for my character, who was backstage, congratulating himself for not forgetting his line. FML
Today, I realized I forgot to cancel a free trial for a meditation app. So, ironically, I now owe $40 to an app that’s supposed to reduce stress. FML
Today, I desperately want a kid with my wife, but unfortunately I'm stuck on the hook for child support. The kid was a mistake, a pregnancy from a relationship that lasted less than two months, and unless I can get my payments reduced there's no way my wife and I can afford a kid of our own. FML
Today, after months of not wanting anything to do with her dad, my three-year-old was over her phase. During dinner, I play-shoved my husband and he did it back. Our daughter saw him and now keeps saying, "It’s not nice to push mommy." We’re back to square one. FML
Today, I was in a public bathroom, when a little boy walked in and he had an 'accident'. He asked if I could help him clean it up, so I decided to help. I started to walk to him to assist him. That's when I walked straight into the pee and slipped. My whole back was covered in pee. FML
Today, on vacation with family, the power goes off in the middle of the night. I wake up as the A/C starts dripping on my head. No air, wet pillow, can't sleep, but I decide to tough it out until morning rather than wake everyone. In the morning, I discovered my sister had hit the breaker because she couldn't find the light switch. FML
Today, I pet my neighbour's two cats. They were at opposite ends of the same room, so I could only pet one at a time. When I pet one, the other one felt lonely and cried for me. I felt sorry for her. Cutest FML ever. FML
Today, I'm 3 days post-partum and my husband accidentally jabbed into my side while flopping onto the couch. FML
Today, I hate my toxic, bossy, narcissistic mother-in-law - who is currently visiting us. My husband spilt a little tea and almost had a panic attack over what to do if his mother found out. How did he turn out so normal despite having such a mum? FML
Today, my parents and I were looking for something using the TV's search bar. Despite never, ever watching anything resembling porn, one of the default search options was, "Hot female Asian sex videos." Thank God they have an excellent sense of humor, as they laughed their heads off. FML
Today, I hate what my beloved Renaissance Faires have become. Hardly anyone dresses in period-accurate garb anymore. Everything is all dumb mushrooms, slutty “fairies”, and pirates. None of which existed in the time period we’re supposed to be in. Nothing authentic at all! FML
Today, I’m 15 and my mother banned me from watching YouTube because it’s "distracting." What the f***? How? Now I have to pretend that I've watched the things my friends send me so they won’t know. FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend still hangs out with her "abusive, violent, psychotic, misogynistic, manipulative" ex. I told her to block him and she pitched a mega tantrum. Now I'm single again. FML
Today, I finally convinced my grandpa to try a smartphone. After an hour of teaching him how to text, he announced he'd figured it out on his own. The first message he ever sent was meant for me. It went to his pharmacist instead and simply read, "Love you. Thanks for everything." FML
Today, I tried to log into Instagram for the first time in 2 days. They deactivated my account for violating their guidelines. I haven't posted a picture or made a comment in months. FML
Today, I walked into the kitchen to grab a snack, only to forget why I was there. I left and remembered what I wanted, but when I came back, I forgot again. I did this three times. FML
Today, I jumped into a pool from seven meters high, landed on my ass, and got a free enema. My ass still hurts. FML
Today, I finally had enough to buy my dream guitar, made in 1965. I buckled it into the passenger seat because it unfortunately didn't come with the original case. Once home, I tripped over my own feet before reaching my front door and scratched it on the concrete. It wasn't in mint condition when I bought it, but now it looks like it had a bad relic job. FML
Today, I was having a pretty good day, until my depression decided to ruin it. My depression sporadically "appears" every other day, and when it does, it doesn't go away for the rest of the day, so I'm doomed to spend the rest of the day feeling extremely down in the dumps, and I can't explain why. FML
Today, I wore noise-canceling headphones while cleaning my apartment. Apparently I'd been singing at the top of my lungs for nearly an hour, because my neighbor knocked on my door just to ask if everything was OK. FML
Today, I'm over a 1000 miles away from my wife, and she's so upset and angry with me that she doesn't want me to touch her anymore. FML
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