Today, after a boozy lunch, I drunkenly waved at what I thought was my reflection in a shop window. The person inside waved back. I laughed and kept walking. Ten minutes later, I realized I'd spent the entire interaction waving at someone standing in a café. FML
Today, as I was preparing to clear an overgrown area of our yard, I treated my pants and shoes with permethrin, as ticks are a problem in my area. I told my girlfriend explicitly NOT to let the cat out for the day, as it is deadly to cats. She didn't listen and now I have to dig a grave. FML
Today, I attempted to conquer my fear of eating out. The very first thing I saw as soon as I got to the restaurant? An unconscious guy getting taken away by paramedics. I turned around and went straight home. FML
Today, the guy who left me for another woman before Christmas, and who ghosted me after dating for a few months, starts working at the same place as I am next week. I've been working there for over a decade. FML
Today, after I tried to break up with my boyfriend, he said he won't give up on us and asked me to go to therapy. According to him, “You might need medication for how you feel.” FML
Today, I realized that I'm going to miss my mom's boyfriend's dog more than I'm actually going to miss him. The relationship is practically over but I've grown fond of his dog. FML
Today, someone asked me if I was my boyfriend's little sister, just because of our height difference. He's 6'2", I'm 4'11", and this is the fifth time it has happened. FML
Today, I took my car to a garage because the dashboard had started making a strange clicking sound. The mechanic listened for 30 seconds, opened the glove compartment, and pulled out a pen rolling around inside it. I'd spent €90 on a diagnostic appointment to discover my stationery was causing the problem. FML
Today, my rowing coach asked my teammates and me a question that I couldn’t quite hear. The answer should’ve been, “We rowed in pairs today” and I responded, “Only in Central Park.” The question was, “How did you row today?” not, “Have you rowed?” There was a long moment of silence. FML
Today, I went on a date with a guy I met online. He took me to a restaurant where I was allergic to practically everything on the menu. I sneezed five or six times within the first 15 minutes and spent the rest of the lunch awkwardly trying to explain I wasn't allergic to him, just the food and spices floating around us. FML
Today, I put my travel cup of coffee on the shelf behind me while getting a haircut. When I left, I picked up my coffee and cell phone. A block later, the barber had chased me down to get his cell phone back. Yep, I had two phones in my pocket. FML
Today, my husband told me that he could not love me without sex. My love for him is utterly unconditional. My heart is just broken now. FML
Today, I learned that my MS medication is going to cost 25k a month. My insurance won't cover a cent. I don't even make that much in a year. FML
Today, I was on a walk when I saw a man dump a bag of trash into the creek. Furious, I shouted at him, and when he shoved me, I threw him into the creek. Later, I was arrested and charged with battery. FML
Today, my coworker brings in meat for lunch every single day and eats it at his desk. I'm a vegan and the smell makes me feel sick for hours. The management won't reprimand him or move either of us. FML
Today, I decided to declutter my closet and donate old clothes. Proud of my altruism, I packed everything into bags and drove to the donation center. As I handed over the bags, the volunteer looked at me sympathetically and said, "We're not accepting donations right now." So not only did I just Marie Kondo my wardrobe, I also managed to be a one-person traffic jam for nothing. FML
Today, I found out the "mystery buzzing" in my apartment wasn’t an electrical problem. It was my landline cordless phone vibrating under the couch, which had apparently been stuck there for two days. I missed 23 calls, mostly from my mom. FML
Today, I found a DIY beauty hack online, so as I had nothing better to do and my skin is a mess, I gave it a try. I mixed lemon juice with sugar to exfoliate my face. Little did I know, I had a tiny cut on my cheek. The lemon juice made it feel like my face was on fire. FML
Today, it's almost a week since our intern started. We have an open plan office, so I can't help but hear her talk excitedly. This wouldn't be a bad thing if she didn't stop saying "it's giving…" and "like" every ten words. Our company doesn't allow headphones, so I'm stuck in hell, which, like, is giving, like, you know, pain. FML
Today, I noticed that the roommate application site for college bugged when I first signed up, and my screen name and real name were swapped as a result. Since the site only displays the names of potential roommates and not our own, I've been unknowingly messaging potential roommates as Parakeet19 for about 2 months. FML
Today, I went out and got very drunk. I talked to a girl and some other people. As the girl left, someone told me to follow her as she didn't seem to know where she was going. As a drunk, socially inept idiot, I did so for about 20 seconds, only for someone to point me out to her and quickly guide her away. Then I lost like £700. FML
Today, my roommate placed something on a shelf I put up, and the whole thing came crashing down. It's been fine for 2 years and now the shelf decides to break? Yeah right, dude. FML
Today, I once again had to explain to yet another student up for expulsion that hate speech, slurs, threats, and sexual harassment are NOT “protected by their first amendment rights.” How these idiots even got into college is beyond me. FML
Today, I was cleaning out my email folders and found a message I'd sent myself five years ago with the subject "IMPORTANT." I opened it, expecting something useful. It was a reminder saying, "Remember to look up what this is about." I apparently trusted future me far too much. FML
Today, my dad had a seizure just after taking his anti-seizure medicine and having been seizure-free for two and a half months. Did I mention I was pooping while my poor dad was having this? I ran out with my pants around my ankles, due to my stepmom flipping out, screaming at me to find the phone (which she found). FML
Today, I fell down my backyard steps at my own housewarming party, ended up breaking my ankle, and am now non-weight bearing for 10 weeks. I'm supposed to start a new job tomorrow, where I'm always on my feet. FML
Today, by far the most accessible way to make ANY romantic connections outside of a bar is to evaluate 400 complete strangers based on their personal resumes, then schedule to meet them under romantic expectations, AKA a dating app. FML
Today, on a whim, I tried the handle of the front door we never use and found it was unlocked. No one can remember the last time we used that door, and it opens directly onto the pavement, meaning for potentially years anyone could have strolled in at any time. Maybe they already have. FML
Today, I actually pondered shaving off my eyebrows so I wouldn't have to go back to work. FML
Today, I was on a long-haul flight, desperately trying to sleep. My husband next to me started snoring so loudly, I swear he was vibrating the seat. In a dazed, half-asleep state, I leaned over and hissed, “Shut up!” It wasn’t him. It was the guy next to him. He woke up and looked at me like I was the problem. FML
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