Today, I was complaining to my mom about how my sister looked like a barbie doll next to me. I was saying how she was so tan and her hair looked awesome next to mine. She paused for a while and then said "Well you're pretty on the inside." FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, as he'd realised that life is really short, and he's got to enjoy with his friends. FML
Today, the kids got in a fight so my wife told our son boys shouldn’t hit girls, even if his sister is older and bigger. What happened next? He put on his sisters dress, claimed he’s a girl today, then hit his sister in the face with an iPad blacking her eye. I have no idea how to parent this. FML
Today, I tried to surprise my parents on their first day back from New York with candles I made. I used actual lavender flecks from our garden for the scent in the candles. My plan worked, until the lavender caught on fire, which then spread to all of our mail and newspapers. Welcome home. FML
Today, I accidentally discovered thanks to my friends that I can do Tim Allen's "Home Improvement" grunt almost perfectly. Now every time my friends see me, they ask me to do it. One of them just showed me the Sonic Mania video where every sound is replaced by the grunt. This is going to get old extremely fast. FML
Today, I've been wondering if it's a red flag for an almost 40 year-old dude to have never been in a serious relationship. Is it? FML
Today, I tried playing chess with my wife sober, and remembered why we only play while I'm trashed drunk. She's so bad, I have to be on the precipice of alcohol poisoning to even enjoy playing with her. Otherwise, it's like playing a 2 year-old. FML
Today, my long-distance girlfriend's family accused me of being a scammer, all because I started a GoFundme to help me move my stuff into storage, as I am getting kicked out of my current place with nowhere to go in the middle of a housing crisis. FML
Today, I woke up on Christmas morning to find that a large cock and balls had been keyed into the windscreen of my car. My new, two-week-old car, which I will be paying off for the next four years. FML
Today, I returned home from a 2-day trip. Before I left, I told my brother to move my car across the street when the street cleaner passes by. Turns out, he used all my gas and got so wasted he forgot to move my car. I got a big ticket that he said he'd pay for. He's unemployed and lives off me. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. As I was leaving his house, I heard him shout, "Hey! Wait! Sweetie, get back here!" He was talking to his cat who'd run out the door behind me. FML
Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his house. Apparently, I ruined the surprise party he'd planned for me, and now he’s upset with me. FML
Today, my mom called to bestow upon me warm holiday pearls of wisdom: "I hope you aren't giving everyone your natural handmade eco-shit again. Gifts should be returnable. And have a price." FML
MymB612 tells us more.
MymB612 14
I didn't realize I wasn't signed in when I posted that one. It's cool that got published! I love making handmade gifts, I think it's so much more personal and intimate to make something for someone that you know they'll appreciate. And by the way, to the meanies, I am indeed broke right now but that wasn't why I made handmade presents (I was very comfortable financially last year and made homemade stuff anyway, it's about the time and effort I choose to put into them, not their monetary value). Also, I am not trying to push my views on anyone, except maybe the belief that the more time and effort you put into something, the more it's worth. I'm an atheist lesbian by the way, and I still spent a month making gifts for a holiday I don't even believe in for my mostly uber-religious homophobic family, just because I know it would make them happy. So don't tell me about pushing my views on anyone, I respect their freedom of opinion just as I expect them to respect mine (not an easy feat in Lebanon, but I digress). Also, no, I am not making them home-made manure or a frame with some stickers on. I made them balms and lotions, personalized to their needs. Odorless moisturizing cream for my pregnant cousin. Natural heating pad for my grandma with arthiritis. Shaving cream for my uncle who has super sensitive skin. Foot scrub for my brother who spends his work hours on his feet. Healing balm for cuts and burns for my cousin who spends his weekends camping and hiking. Stuff like that. About my mom, the reason she gave me that ill-worded comment is because last year I had knitted a hat for my grandma, which turned out to be too small for her head (I had miscalculated), and also I had made a scented cooling pad that leaked a few days later, so she insisted that had I bought store-bought items there would be no problem. Yeah, she's like that. But hey, I understand this particular holiday is supposed to be about forgiveness, is it not? So I dealt with her as follows: I made her a gift anyway (Topical pain-relief cream for her sore muscles, she had a surgery last year and the muscles on her back hurt in the cold) but I didn't put it under the tree with the rest of the presents. She seemed so vexed and saddened. I went and talked to her and told her that I chose not to give her a present, since she doesn't appreciate the time and thought I put into them (and money, materials, hello). She apologized for her comment and said I was right and she was being mean because she had a very tough day and lashed out at me. Then she told me my presents for everyone were awesome, and I gave her hers. Made her doubly smile! So, all is well that ends well I suppose. I made sure she knew that she hurt my feelings, and got aknowledgment and an apology. What more can I ask for? Wow this post turned out huge, sorry for the eyesore :P Thank for the hilarious comments and warm support. Made me glad to feel that people still remember what they are celebrating, and appreciate the thought behind gifts more than their monetary value. Oh and for the couple of Lebanese peeps I saw in the comments, yen3ad 3laykon w 3a 3yelkon bel kheir :)
Today, I was painting my bedroom walls, when I was struck with an uncontrollable bout of diarrhea. I had to watch helplessly from the en-suite bathroom as my 2 year old daughter painted a lovely picture for me, all over my new $500 sofa. FML
Today, my mother-in-law asked if she could move in with us. FML
Today, while at my dorm, I experienced a vomit-inducing migraine. In my hurry to get to the bathroom to puke, I couldn't find a pair of shoes. I urgently needed the toilet, so I braved the communal bathroom barefoot. As I opened the stall door, I stepped in someone else's fresh vomit. FML
Today, I somehow managed to slice open my thumb. The dangerous weapon that caused this to happen? Velcro. FML
Today, my sister threw my water bottle as a joke. When I stepped off the bleachers, my right foot lost its footing and my other foot followed. Now I have two sprained ankles at the same time. FML
Today, my parents have been slowly coming closer to figuring out that I'm an atheist. They've stated to me and my siblings since we were old enough to think independently that if any of us turned out to be atheists, they'd disown us. I'm not sure what to do here. FML
Today, a stranger was kind enough to plow my driveway during a blizzard. However, they were not kind enough to leave their number after plowing the front end of my car. FML
Today, my fiancé called off our wedding, all because I wouldn’t tell him how much my life insurance is worth. Apparently, “Lovers don’t keep secrets from one another” and, “If you’re hiding that, God knows what else you could be hiding.” FML
Today, the guy I liked for years asked me out. I instantly said yes. As I was walking away, I forgot I was at the top of the stairs and fell down 20 steps. He stood at the top and laughed. FML
Today, my parents grounded me and told me I can forget about going to prom, Grad Bash, and getting a new car for graduation. My mom was cleaning my room and found a pack of condoms in my dresser drawer. Oh, and they made me call my boyfriend they didn’t know about to tell him it was over, on speaker. FML
Today, I was at a Christmas party when I noticed someone had taken all of the cash I had from out of my wallet. It was a family gathering. I'm related to the culprit but have no idea who it is. FML
Today, I have a permanent illness. Whenever I'm too unwell to manage the housework or children, my hubby does even less than usual. As soon as I'm well enough, I have a mountain of work to do, which makes me sick again. FML
Today, the weather forecast said it would be nice all day, with only a tiny shower in the afternoon, so I went on a 50 km bike ride to enjoy the summer. In reality, it rained pretty much all day, with a little bit of sunshine occasionally in between. FML
Today, I was planning on asking out a girl I've been really close to for a few months now. I was with her when I got a forward text from my friend. It was from the girl and it said, "Noooo tell him not to ask me out I don't like him." I got rejected via a forwarded text before I could tell her how I felt. FML
Today, I got dumped by my girlfriend of 4 years because I didn't know the exact amount of days that we'd been together. FML
Today, as I was getting dressed after a shower, I spent a good 30 seconds searching for my underwear… which I'd already put on at that point. FML
Today, I wondered who ever came up with the idea that women are elegant and refined. Mine farts like a horse, belches like a bullfrog, eats like a pig, and she's proud of it. Like something out of Shrek. FML
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