The Top · The top of the year

Anonymous · 29 October 2026, 03:00 ·Port Washington, United States 🌶️ Spicy

Hard pass on the birthday celebrations

Today, after I asked a girl out on her birthday and she said yes, I went to her place early in the next morning to give her her favorite bagels. I went to her room to surprise her after her roommate let me in, only to see her blowing some dude's candle, if you know what I mean. I don't thing I'll be taking her out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115 You deserved it 57

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Anonymous · 1 November 2025, 15:00

Discreet

Today, I tried to quietly tell my friend that our professor's pants' fly was down. Unfortunately, I underestimated how quiet the room would go. The entire class heard me whisper, “His dick’s gonna pop out!” The professor looked down, zipped up, and said, “Thank you, but… dream on.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 89 You deserved it 508

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Anonymous · 6 November 2025, 00:00

Control

Today, my boss continued to orchestrate behind the scenes with my colleagues to make me look bad for her lack of organization. Then she showed up 10 minutes late to a meeting, shared that she needed a vacation, and realized that she needed to micromanage less. I've been asking her to make that change for months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 322 You deserved it 90

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Anonymous · 8 November 2025, 09:00

Buddy boy

Today, at the park, a toddler ran up to me yelling “Daddy!” and hugged my legs. Trying to be nice, I patted his head and said, “Hey, buddy, I’m not your dad.” His actual dad appeared behind me, wearing the same shirt, same haircut, and looked at me like I’d just tried to kidnap his child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 388 You deserved it 51

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Ew · 10 November 2025, 15:00

Not a sponsored post

Today, I was introduced to a YouTube musician called S3RL. I was listening to a playlist of his music all day. Then of course when I went to pick up my girlfriend, some song came on that was just exaggerated sex moans pitched into music. She stared at me then burst out laughing and called me a pervert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 142 You deserved it 360

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Anonymous · 12 November 2025, 22:00

Bad day, huh?

Today, work was exhausting, so I decided to get a pretzel crust pizza from Little Caesars on the way home. When I got home and opened the box, not only was the pizza cooked rather poorly, but there was also a mountain of salt strewn all over it, EXCEPT for the crust. How do you even mess up that badly? FML

I agree, your life sucks 370 You deserved it 80

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Anonymous · 15 November 2025, 03:00

I'm outta here

Today, I set an out-of-office auto-reply for my work email saying, “Currently out of the office, pretending to care somewhere else.” I forgot to turn it off. My boss emailed me three times before I noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 You deserved it 547

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Mustanggt · 28 November 2025, 22:00

Go team!

Today, my team was mistakenly scheduled against an over-60 team. I'd feel sorry for the old fogeys if they hadn't beaten us 3-0 and racked up seven yellow cards and a red on the way to doing so. FML

I agree, your life sucks 111 You deserved it 345

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Anonymous · 1 December 2025, 03:00

Mixology

Today, I tried to act confident at a work mixer by telling a funny story. Halfway through, I gestured too wildly and knocked an entire bowl of pretzels off the table. Everyone watched them scatter across the floor like confetti. I just kept talking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 132 You deserved it 356

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Anonymous · 3 December 2025, 12:00

Counterproductive?

Today, I decided to be productive and clean behind my couch. I found dust, old receipts, and one sock I thought was stolen by the universe. When I stood up proudly, I smashed my head on the shelf above. I knocked down three picture frames. All shattered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 355 You deserved it 99

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Anonymous · 15 December 2025, 00:00

One-wat street

Today, after my at-the-time partner got in a car wreck with minimal injuries, I drove two hours and got a week off classes to take care of them on hand and foot, they are currently my platonic roommate and I nearly broke my foot… and they keep acting annoyed when I ask for something because I can't walk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 208 You deserved it 282

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Tracy · 11 January 2026, 09:00

RIP

Today, I told someone “You too” when they'd said “Sorry for your loss” after I'd mentioned that I recently lost my dog to cancer. I realized what I'd said immediately and tried to fix it by talking more, which somehow made it worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 261 You deserved it 154

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Anonymous · 13 January 2026, 15:00

Lost in time

Today, I told a coworker, “Enjoy your weekend!” out of pure muscle memory. It was Monday morning. They stared at me for a full second before quietly saying, “I will... in five days.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 144 You deserved it 276

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Anonymous · 31 January 2026, 20:00 🌶️ Spicy

Saucy

Today, my girlfriend and I were in bed after a long stretch of abstinence, finally heating things up. I went to the wardrobe to grab the vibrator (I love using it on her) and slowly revealed it: mold-covered, an absolute biohazard. The night ended with me fixing a leak behind the wardrobe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 331 You deserved it 102

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Anonymous · 7 February 2026, 15:00

Jammed

Today, I pulled out of my parking lot to head to physical therapy and the alleyway was blocked by some traffic. I nudged over to allow a garbage truck to pull in and my passenger window shattered against a dumpster handle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 332 You deserved it 92

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Here we go · 14 February 2026, 12:00 🌶️ Spicy

That thing you do

Today, after sex, my wife of three months said, "You know, sex isn't as good now that we're married… Maybe we should take a break." I said we should spice things up. She said, firmly, "No, let's stop" and wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 396 You deserved it 83

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Anonymous · 2 March 2026, 15:00

First day

Today, I met the new boss, who kicked the door open looking 15 years-old, with sunglasses on hiding his hangover, threw his bag on the desk knocking everything over, and greeted me with, “What the hell you doing in my office, bro?” This is going to be a complete disaster, I can feel it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 454 You deserved it 61

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Anonymous · 4 March 2026, 22:00

I'm fine, I'm OK

Today, I was rushing with the dishes when I scraped against a very sharp knife, which left a noticeable cut right down my wrist. No one believes my story that it was a freak kitchen accident, they think that I’m either an attention seeking fucknut, or crying out for help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 378 You deserved it 62

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Stephanie · 3 May 2026, 20:00 ·Vincennes, United States

Money pit

Today, my car was stolen. They found it and I wish they never had. Full coverage would have paid the car, but instead the repairs cost $1700. My deductible was $2000. It ended up costing me $2000. The people who fixed my ignition broke my remote start. I have to fight to get them to pay for that repair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 401 You deserved it 60

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Fuck them both · 26 May 2026, 15:00 ·Secaucus, United States

Cuckoo

Today, my mom gave me thirty days notice to find an apartment and move out. Why? She's dating my former best friend and wants to move him in, but he won't do it until I'm gone because it would be "awkward." FML

I agree, your life sucks 428 You deserved it 72

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tired af · 8 July 2026, 22:00 ·United Kingdom

GET OUT

Today, I spent twenty minutes trying to shoo a bird out of my apartment. After finally getting it outside, I closed the window, turned around, and realized I'd locked myself out instead. The bird flew away. I didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 132 You deserved it 262

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Sneaky · 13 July 2026, 12:00 ·Seattle, United States

Slackers

Today, I tried to sneak out of work 15 minutes early. Just as I reached the exit, the fire alarm went off. Everyone had to evacuate, and my manager spotted me standing outside with my backpack already on. There went my excuse… FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 You deserved it 402

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Nick · 9 August 2026, 22:00 ·Toronto, Canada

Free money

Today, I found $20 in an old jacket and celebrated by buying myself a fancy lunch (well, Burger King, but that just goes to show how well I'm doing in this economy). When I got home, I realized I'd left my wallet at the restaurant while paying with the $20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 297 You deserved it 176

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Annoyed · 14 August 2026, 12:00 ·United States

SHUT UP!

Today, my smoke alarm started chirping at 3 a.m. I replaced the battery, reset it, and got back into bed. Five minutes later, it chirped again. I searched for the source before realizing it was my roommate's alarm clock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 288 You deserved it 69

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furry intruder · 19 August 2026, 00:00 ·United States

Sneakin' around

Today, my neighbor knocked on my door and asked if I'd seen her cat. I helped her search the hallway, basement, and garden for 30 minutes. We finally found it sitting inside my apartment, where I had apparently been living with it for three days without noticing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 308 You deserved it 150

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Cool aunt · 23 August 2026, 20:00 ·Canada

Have fun!

Today, I bought my niece a huge stuffed teddy bear for her birthday because I wanted to be the cool aunt/uncle. She hugged it, smiled, and then immediately hugged the gift bag instead, because apparently it made a "funny" crinkly noise. I have officially been defeated by packaging. FML

I agree, your life sucks 244 You deserved it 128

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Anonymous · 28 August 2026, 09:00 ·United States

Unforgettable

Today, I bought a fancy reusable water bottle because I wanted to stop buying plastic ones. On the first day, I left it on the roof of my car while loading groceries. I remembered it when I heard a loud clunk at the next intersection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 125 You deserved it 303

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People who litter should be confronted · 1 September 2026, 22:00 ·New York, United States

Eco friendly

Today, I was on a walk when I saw a man dump a bag of trash into the creek. Furious, I shouted at him, and when he shoved me, I threw him into the creek. Later, I was arrested and charged with battery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 339 You deserved it 220

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Whoopsie · 4 September 2026, 03:00 ·United States

Petrolhead

Today, I finally found a parking space directly outside my apartment after driving around for 20 minutes. I celebrated, parked, and walked upstairs. Ten minutes later, I realized I'd left my car running with the keys still inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 116 You deserved it 373

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Anonymous · 8 September 2026, 22:00 ·Denmark

Surprised, indeed

Today, I wanted to surprise my roommate by cleaning the entire apartment while she was away. Three hours later, everything looked perfect. She came home, looked around, and immediately asked why her plant was missing. I had thrown it out because I thought it was dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115 You deserved it 384

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