Today, I was cleaning out my email folders and found a message I'd sent myself five years ago with the subject "IMPORTANT." I opened it, expecting something useful. It was a reminder saying, "Remember to look up what this is about." I apparently trusted future me far too much. FML
Today, I took my laundry out of the washing machine and noticed one of my socks was missing. I checked the drum, the floor, and the laundry basket. I eventually found it inside the sleeve of the hoodie I'd been wearing while loading the machine. FML
Today, my stepdad is insisting that we either get rid of my dog or euthanize him because he bit me. FML
Today, I went to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription and waited in line for fifteen minutes. When I got to the counter, the pharmacist couldn't find my name anywhere. I checked my phone and realized I'd gone to the wrong branch. FML
Today, I was diagnosed with Bell's palsy. I have exams tomorrow and I have interviews for residency coming up. Sadly, the left half of my face will not work for another two months. FML
Today, I offered to drive my friends to the airport because their taxi was expensive. We left early and arrived with plenty of time. Then I realized I’d parked in the short-stay car park. I paid more for parking than I would have paid for a taxi. FML
Today, I spent way too long trying to figure out why my car smelled like rotten eggs. I took it to a mechanic, who pulled out an entire hard-boiled egg from a hidden compartment under the back seat. Turns out my nephew hid it there a week ago as part of a “science experiment.” FML
Today, I told my boss her new haircut made her look younger. She smiled and said, “Oh, thank you!” I tried to double down on the compliment and said, “Yeah, like... 20 years ago younger!” She stopped smiling. It turns out that would’ve made her twelve. FML
Today, I met my new neighbor while taking out the trash. Trying to be friendly, I said, “Hey, I think we share a wall!” He replied, “Yeah, I know. I can hear every time you cry while listening to Sufjan Stevens.” FML
Today, my coworkers were always too nice, and I thought it was suspicious. I asked my boss why my shifts were vanishing and she finally that admitted everyone thinks I’m “too slow.” So the niceness was fake and I was the inside joke the whole time. I quit on the spot… then remembered I’m a broke uni student with no backup plan. FML
Today, I invested in some menstrual underwear to save money on sanitary products and for environmental reasons. I got to wear them only once before they were accidentally washed too hot and completely ruined. FML
Today, when I got home, I learned that my five year-old had tried to burn the house down when my wife told him that he needed to stop watching TV. Now we need a counselor and it's going to cost thousands. FML
Today, I realized that my husband can call me a hoarder because I hide stuff for my son's lunch so it's his to eat. Not only is that what mothers do for their loved kids, he has been hoarding and hiding $100+ PlayStation store credits. Hoarding his own boy's prize for doing well, and now blames me if our son is slow. FML
Today, my parents, who always bitch that they don't see me enough since we live in different states, completely ignored me during their early Thanksgiving visit and used me as a free hotel for my younger siblings. I maybe spent four hours with them during their three day stay. FML
Today, I was deleting old contacts on WhatsApp of people I no longer talk to. Later, when I was very tired and was about to go to bed, I sent a text to my boyfriend saying love you and goodnight. It turns out it was actually my ex. Awkward! FML
Today, I told my boyfriend about something that had happened “after you came to our school." He told me he'd gone to our school for every grade. I'd just never noticed him. FML
Today, I apologised to my colleagues on Teams for leaving the Christmas party early. The only responses were that they didn’t realise I was actually there, or didn’t even know who I am. FML
Today, I took my new dog to a hotel lobby to test his manners before travel. He sniffed politely, then sneezed a dramatic snot-spritz all over a wedding guest’s dress. She froze, then laughed nervously while I offered napkins like a panicked but well-meaning emergency worker. FML
Today, my girlfriend was too busy having sex with my roommate to notice our accommodation being burgled. So now I don’t have a girlfriend, a rent paying roommate, a television, a PS5 or, for some reason, half of the books from my bookshelf. FML
Today, I rushed to an early job interview, rehearsed answers in my Uber, then realized at reception I’d zipped my suit jacket into my backpack and was wearing my old college hoodie over dress pants. The receptionist smiled politely while I tried to explain and I somehow made small talk about rugby. FML
Today, I tripped going up the stairs at work, caught myself, and laughed it off. Then I tripped again on the very next step. The same bunch of coworkers watched both times. No one laughed the second time. Neither did I. FML
Today, I checked the mail. It was New Year's Day. I didn't realize my mistake until someone else pointed it out and I let out a "D'oh!" like Homer Simpson. FML
Today, I was looking over reservations for an upcoming work trip, and saw that my work would cover the "romance package" at a nice hotel. I laughed. My coworkers laughed. When I told my wife, not only did she not laugh, she burst into tears and screamed, "I knew you were cheating!" FML
Today, I typed a vulnerable “I miss you” text to my ex at 1 a.m., stared at it, and meant to delete it. Instead I hit send… to our old family group chat, which still had his mother and my aunt in it. My phone blew up with dumb sympathy, a single eggplant emoji from my cousin, and a lecture from his mom. FML
Today, a day or two after a really close friend of mine offered for me to move in with him, he has me blocked on everything, because he cheated on his girlfriend. FML
Today, I’m a middle-school teacher. Handing back graded essays, only to realize halfway through that I’d left my personal notes visible on the projector. One said, “Great kid, but talks like a podcast on 1.5x speed.” The student read it out loud before I could close the tab. FML
Today, I had to take my life into my hands and tell my wife that when she was yelling at me earlier, she was yelling at me in her own language, which I’m still not fluent in, so whatever it was that upset her, I still haven’t fixed it because I didn’t understand the instructions. FML
Today, for Valentine's Day, my husband spent all day promising me romance and a good dicking. Instead, his boss hit him with emergency overtime, our romance was defrosted lasagna, and he fell asleep during the dicking so I had to crawl out from under him and watch TV alone. I hate his boss. FML
Today, my parents told me that I'm going on our upcoming family vacation and that's final. I broke both my legs in an accident and have to use a wheelchair. I"m in constant pain and don't want to go anywhere. FML
Today, I always wondered how my younger sister maintained a good relationship with her dad, as she knows I was horribly abused by him for several years. Now, I found out that she “doesn’t agree” with it, and thinks it was all my imagination. FML
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