Today, I visited my girlfriend’s family in Louisiana and her grandmother told her Pawpaw was still alive. Was it a neighbor or relative. Nope, a 60 year-old 12-foot alligator in the river behind their house. He actually came like a dog when she whistled. Scared the shit out of me. FML
Today, I booked a flight to see my girlfriend. At least I thought she was coming, the flight isn't cancellable because I was broke and could only afford the minimum ticket. I just wanted to make her happy. Well, it's now four days before the flight and I haven't heard from her for a week. I've been left on 'delivered', thinking at 4 am. FML
Today, I learned a valuable life lesson : Never attempt to swallow your pills with a swig of hot tea. FML
Today, my wife admitted that she settled for me because I had a good job and made enough for her to live comfortably. I shouldn't worry though, because now she's old enough that she won't be able to pull anyone more exciting or attractive. FML
Today, my husband was cold and distant towards me for the third day in a row, and I finally demanded an answer. He showed me a video of me drunkenly confessing to him that I don't find him sexually exciting, and that my abusive ex was way better in the bedroom. Fuck, I hate that I can't lie when I'm drunk. FML
Today, and for most of our married life, my wife has made more money than me, until a few weeks ago when I got a promotion. I now make slightly more than she does and she’s actually grumpy over it. Why? FML
Today, at work, an obese woman insisted she took a size 5 shoe, despite me measuring her at a size 11. Then when the 5 I politely fetched for her didn’t come close to fitting, she told the manager I was fatshaming her. Her feet were ham joints below cankles as thick as my thigh. She stank too. FML
Today, I stayed late at work. While I was getting coffee from the pantry, one of the cleaners came into the break room with her boyfriend, who then proposed marriage. I was reluctant to interfere so I kept quiet, until I clearly heard them start having sex, all while I was trapped clutching my coffee jar. FML
Today, I survived the last round of layoffs. What didn't survive is my team, my manager, and my tasks. Now I'm "reporting" to a VP who used to be three levels above me and has never heard of me. I'm waiting for HR to wake up and realize that this change literally means I get six figures for doing nothing. FML
Today, I have a new coworker. Whenever he types something, he smacks the keyboard like its his wife's ass. It stresses me out. FML
Today, it's my 16th birthday, a time meant to be a big day, so it felt right to tell my family I'm a lesbian. My dad and two brothers were fine with it; my bros hugged me to show support, and dad said he'd hang with me if I needed a pal to discuss girls with. My mom, well… who knew being gay made me "a bitch who betrayed her." FML
Today, I had to retrieve my son from the police station because him and his girlfriend decided a blowjob in the back row of the cinema was a good idea when they have night vision cameras in there and security guards and a very high definition picture printer for evidence. FML
Today, my boyfriend scratched his balls then rubbed his finger under my nose, all so he could grab the TV remote and change the channel while I ran to the sink retching FML
Today, I bought my house specifically because it has a long driveway for my work van, but the council just decided to install a raised kerb pedestrian crossing with bollards while I was at work. There is now no way at all to swing my van wide enough to get it onto my driveway. FML
Today, I learned that you should never take a girl you meet at the club home, even if she looks like she wouldn’t hurt a fly. We had the most amazing sex ever and I guess the edibles we had threw me off-guard. I woke up to find her gone and my house cleaned out. I didn’t even get her name. FML
Today, I noticed I was overcharged at a fast food place, so I asked the cashier to correct it. He got an attitude, so I asked for the manager. The next thing I know, some dude shoved me, yelling, "Shut the fuck up Karen." I fell and hit my head. People in line laughed and cheered. FML
Today, I had a hard time directing my dad to where we were supposed to throw out our broken toilets when we replaced them with new ones. I kept saying to go to the right. Unfortunately I was talking about MY right, not HIS right, and he was walking backwards. It wasn't until I said "other way" that he got it. FML
Today I woke up to myself (24F) accidentally losing control of my bowels in bed. I’m not sick, just a food intolerance. The worst part is that my fiancé was sound asleep next to me and I had to wake him up to tell him what happened so I could wash the sheets and bed at one in the morning. He's is now sleeping on the couch. FML
Today, I admitted to my best friend that I was having second thoughts about getting married and was probably going to break up with him. Unfortunately, my fiance's daughter, who I absolutely adore, overheard the conversation and threw a huge screaming tantrum asking why I didn't want to be her mommy anymore. FML
Today, I realized I'd spent 14 months giving my love to a closeted lesbian, who used me like an emotional vampire to hide. She cried about her ex leaving her for a man, then did the same to me. She's a parasite jumping from host to host because she's too cowardly to be honest. I’m just her latest supply. FML
Today, my nephew asked if I wanted to see a magic trick. I humored him and let him give it a go. He covered my phone with a blanket, counted to three, and revealed that it had "disappeared." The little genius had dropped it into a fish tank while I wasn't looking. FML
Today, after I spent 3 months secretly learning guitar so I could surprise everyone at a family barbecue, the moment finally came. I sat down, took a deep breath, and realized I'd practiced every song with a capo I forgot to bring, as well as my tuner. Everything sounded terrible. My uncle asked if I was improvising Free Jazz. FML
Today, I was signed up for a local 10K run after months of saying I'd "get back into running." Everything went well until I crossed the finish line and proudly accepted a medal… that belonged to someone standing behind me. She had to tap on my shoulder and ask for it back while other runners and volunteers smirked at me. FML
Today, I walked a good 5 minutes across campus, through a few large hallways and up some stairs, with about foot of toilet paper hanging out of my pants before somebody pointed it out to me. FML
Today, I was taking my driving test and everything was going perfectly. As I pulled back into the testing center, I smiled because I knew I'd passed. Then I got out of the car without pulling the handbrake. The examiner had to jump back in and hit the brakes before it rolled into an actual parked car. FML
Today, I took my nephew to the zoo and spent the day telling him fun animal facts. At the giraffe enclosure, I explained that giraffes can't make sounds. Right on cue, one let out the loudest snorting noise I've ever heard. My six year-old nephew looked at me and said, "Maybe Google isn't always right." FML
Today, my dogs have coordinated a T-formation as I lay down to sleep. Essentially cutting me off 80% of the bed. Too tired to fight, too annoyed to sleep. FML
Today, I found an old USB drive and spent an hour trying to open it because I was sure it had important files on it. It contained one blurry photo of my thumb and a Word doc titled “Do not open", which was actually blank. FML
Today, I took my car in because of a strange rattling noise. The mechanic charged me nothing, just handed me back my reusable water bottle that had been rolling around under the passenger seat for three months. FML
Today, I (admittedly dumbly) AI generated pictures of my boss as a joke with my coworkers. They asked me to send them to them but instead I ended up sending it to my boss. A bunch of them were him extremely obese or with his ass out. I can't unsend. FML
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