Today, I had to turn down a job offer that would have been perfect for me because post-Covid fatigue syndrome is kicking my ass. FML
Today, I got a bartholin cyst drained. The doctor told me to keep it clean and dry, no pain meds given, just swelling and a catheter. I almost passed out a short while afterwards so I went to the ER. Now I’m drugged up and sitting in one spot for the next few days. FML
Today, my sister was quite obviously looking down on me for not knowing the trendy sustainable hair soap in little net baggies that “everyone” uses now. Years ago, when I was already using regular hair soap instead of shampoo, she looked down on me for being a "greenie." FML
Today, I managed to squeeze a testicle between my thigh and a drawer while doing the dishes. From the floor, writhing in pain, I watched my wife laughing hysterically while our two year-old ran up to jump on me. FML
Today, a cute stranger waved at me on the street. I waved back enthusiastically, smiling like an idiot. Then I realized she was waving at her dog behind me. I then turned around and waved at the dog, then scurried home to bury my embarrassment in a pillow on my couch. FML
Today, I sent an email to my boss complaining about how lazy one of my coworkers is and how I’m always having to pick up the slack. I realized too late that I'd Cc'd the coworker I was talking about. His reply was basically, “You’re welcome for doing my job while you waste your time complaining.” FML
If a tree falls in a parking lot and nobody flinches, did it really fall at all?
Today, I was giving a speech at my best friend’s wedding. Mid-speech, I felt something was off. I looked down and realized I had a huge stain on my trousers. Not just a small stain, but a whole wet patch from crotch to knee. I had to finish the speech with one hand covering it. I later sniffed it, it was only champagne, but still… FML
Today, I learned the hard way that my oven mitt has a hole. Time to get a new one, whenever my finger stops burning. FML
Today, you might know that anxiety before an extremely important exam: sweating, shaking, heart palpitations, tension headache… That’s how I felt this morning when I got into my car… to pick up a free mattress I scored on the internet. Guess my adrenal glands were bored and decided to have a party. FML
Today, my best friend and I were taking bikini selfies in my backyard hot tub when I caught my little brother peeping and taking photos from around a corner behind us. Now I know how he can afford his vapes, despite not having a job and being in middle school. FML
Today, I gave my new boss a ride, since his car died. I probably should have checked the music before I started the car; I'm not sure hearing "Grandpa pissed his pants again…" as the opener to a song made a good impression on him. FML
Today, our teacher forgot to collect our phones when we arrived at school. We almost managed to take our phones back to the dormitory but someone's phone rang TWICE in the corridor and she remembered the whole thing. FML
Today, my hubby thought he made me queef during sex. I was too embarrassed ro tell him it was a fart I was holding in, but couldn’t once I orgsmed. FML
Today, a customer has been tanking my business online, claiming I’m a fraud and stole her money. She ordered a painted copy of one of her wedding photos and was mad she couldn’t pick it up that same afternoon. Do you have any idea how long portraits take to paint? Longer than two hours I can tell you. FML
Today, I read an FML about a garter toss. It made me remember my own garter toss. None of the guys at the wedding wanted to catch it, and visibly cringed at the idea of touching it. Ten years later, it's all been downhill from there. FML
Today, my fiancée asked for a threesome. I don't want it. I think I'm now single. FML
Today, my boss told me to not burn the place down while she was outside. When she came back inside, I accidentally started a fire. FML
Today, I returned from wading in a foot of snow to go to a hearing and back, and opened my emails. My boss had sent me an email on Friday at 4:30 telling me I didn't have to go in. On Friday, there was the company Christmas party. He was there. So was I. He told me nothing. Nor did he call me. FML
Today, I tried to hang a new shelf in my apartment. I measured, drilled, and installed it perfectly level, only to realize a few minutes later I'd drilled into the side of a pipe. Water started shooting out like a geyser and almost flooded my bathroom. My shelf looks great, though. FML
Today, my grandpa forgot that my aunt set up a baby monitor in his bedroom in case of a fall. I’m sitting in the living room with his wife - who is deaf - and I hear him moaning over the baby monitor. My grandfather was jerking off and forgot that someone could hear him. I wish I could forget too. FML
Today, I learned my most recent ex-girlfriend is dating my previous ex-girlfriend who also broke my heart back then. I also learned that they both sometimes have threesomes with a man. I wanted to experiment by adding another woman when I was with each of them, but they always said no. FML
Today, my son is actually going on holiday over Christmas with some girl he met in a bar. He’s barely known her a week and is already dipping into his savings to keep her happy. FML
Today, I went to the bathroom at a friend’s house, used the toilet paper, and realized there was none left on the roll. I grabbed a replacement pack but it was all the way on the top shelf that was too high for me. I stood on tiptoes, balancing precariously on the toilet lid when it suddenly flipped down, knocking me off, and splashing pisswater everywhere. FML
Today, I completed a jigsaw puzzle. Almost. You see, there's a problem: One of the pieces is an exact duplicate of another, and the actual missing piece is… gone. So there's one empty space and one piece that doesn't fit. Words cannot describe how irrationally angry this makes me. FML
Today, I packed my lunch meticulously: salad, sandwich, fruit. Then I put the entire thing in my backpack, on top of what turned out to be a leaky water bottle. By lunch, I was faced with eating a soggy mess of lettuce soup and bread mush. It was not great. FML
Today, I was the designated emotional support person for my friend's mom as she went to have her sick cat put down. The cat was aggressive towards the male vet. She said, "She doesn't like men" to which the vet replied, "Well, soon that won't be a problem." The willpower it took both of us to not yell at him, or worse… FML
Today, after working two jobs and saving constantly this year all for a month-long solo vacation traveling to 7 countries, I arrived in first one. Within three hours I fell and broke my foot, forcing me to come home in fear of needing surgery. FML
Today, I went to my gym and tried a new workout machine that had just been installed. I set the weight too high and ended up stuck halfway through a lift, making weird struggling noises. Most people around me stopped and stared as I awkwardly dropped the weights. FML
Today, I was alone at my dad's house. I was furiously masturbating when I knocked something over. It was my grandmother's ashes. FML
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