The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

Dress for the job you want…

Today, I bought a new shirt for a job interview and put it on just before leaving. On the train, I noticed the shop's security tag was still attached. I had to spend the entire interview trying to keep my jacket closed, wondering how I'd missed the chunk on plastic stapled to my shirt when I put it on. FML

Today, my boyfriend, a math teacher, wanted to recite multiplication timetables while making love in order to come less quickly. He could only recite up to the number 5. The timestables turned him on. FML

That's not my… name!

Today, my best friend sent me a postcard. She’s been calling me by my nickname for so long that she wrote the wrong name on it. FML

Less haste, more speed

Today, at 11 p.m., after getting up for work at 4:45 a.m., I ran up the stairs to go feed my cat. I slipped on something, missed the handrail, then fell down and cracked my head on the tile floor. My hairclip was dead center, so I then had a fun night in the ER while my dang head wouldn't stop bleeding. FML

Freudian slip

Today, I’ve been looking for a new job for a while now, after being at my current job for 6 years. I was offered an interview for a job I was really excited about. I went to text my boyfriend about the job interview and ended up sending the text to my boss instead. I guess the cat's out of the bag. FML

Giving up my exes for Lent

Today, I was having a great night, until I went to church for Ash Wednesday. I walked in the door and let the other ushers know I was there. All was going fine until I happened to glance over at the front doors of the church and see my ex walking in. My mood was shit for the rest of the night. FML

Feeder

Today, my wife got back from two months visiting her unwell mother in Australia. Her mother is a major feeder, so I was trying to be tactful about my wife’s weight gain. Our kids, not so much. They ran to her in the airport and asked her if she was pregnant again because she’s "soooooo big." FML

Are you even listening to me?

Today, I spent 30 minutes talking to my friend about a new show I was watching, giving all sorts of spoilers. When I finally asked, “What do you think?” she stared blankly at me and said, “I’ve never seen that show. I thought you were talking about a different one.” FML

Check yourself out

Today, I finally had lunch alone with the girl I like. It wasn't bad, but we had a few awkward silences. Still, I got home feeling proud that I’d actually managed to get some one-on-one time with her. But a little while later, my sister pointed out that I’d had a piece of lettuce stuck in my teeth the entire time. FML

Imposter syndrome?

Today, after my boss thanked me for being so "reliable" all the time, I confessed to her that I have really bad anxiety, which has given me a crippling fear of disappointing her and ending up jobless. Even after reassuring me that she would never do that, the feeling is still there. I think I need therapy. FML

Hangry

Today, I started my new job. I went to microwave food, only to discover roaches and ants crawling out of it. Now I am grossed out but still hungry. FML

Never attempt this

Today, I was texting while riding my bike (yes, I know, terrible idea). I crashed right into a lamppost, and, even worse, a woman walking by laughed and asked, "Did you just text yourself into that pole?" I just laid there hoping for the ground to swallow me up. FML

Slapstick

Today, as I was on the floor playing with the dog, my husband walked past, tripped over something, and fell on me, smashing his bony elbow right into my crotch. FML

Sorry grandma

Today, my grandma called me to see how my oral surgery went. She gave me a kiss over the phone, but when I tried to make the kiss sound back to her, the bandages got in the way and it came out as a fart sound. FML

Not a good look

Today, I spent the morning cleaning before my prim and proper new friend came over. Just as she was supposed to arrive to marvel at my spotless apartment, I knocked a full mug of coffee onto the freshly vacuumed rug. We spent the first 20 minutes of our time together trying to get the fucking stain out, and I was sweating buckets until she left. FML

My big day

Today, I was starting a new job. I got up early, showered, did my hair, put on my uniform, had a good cry because I was scared/excited that I was starting a future where I will be financially free for the first time. Then my boss texted me because one of his back of house employees is sick and he can’t train me until tomorrow. FML

Today, my legs were really sore from working out yesterday, so it hurt going down the stairs at work. To avoid the pain, l ignored how stupid I looked and limped down the staircase. When I finally got to the bottom, I hopped off the last step. And twisted my ankle. FML

Time to unionize

Today, when our boss told us he was giving himself the same raise as everyone else was getting, we thought he was finally being a decent human being. Nope. He meant it literally. His raise to himself is the same amount as the other 12 employees' raises combined. His raise is 12x what ours is. FML

Coyness is nice, and coyness can stop you…

Today, I went to a friend's party, only to realize I was in the wrong apartment, after getting the address confused. Instead of awkwardly leaving, I stayed for a bit and pretended I was someone’s cousin. I was oddly suspicious that no one noticed me mingling, but then it turned out to be a shady MLM recruitment party for a leggings company. FML

Recruitment hell

Today, I've applied to 300 jobs in the past 4 months, gotten 7 interview, 2 of which have gone to a third round and I'm still unemployed. FML

Classic

Today, I pulled up to an intersection behind a car waiting to turn left and we missed a whole set of lights. As I was getting frustrated that they weren’t going when the light was green, I realised I was waiting behind a parked car. FML

Still hanging on

Today, while having sex with my husband, he told me to put my legs around him, which I did. He then whispered sweetly in my ear, "You better hold on tight spider monkey." This is when I knew my Twilight obsession went too far. FML

Shut up!

Today, I went to my uncle's funeral. His eulogy was ruined by an annoying little kid repeatedly talking over the pastor, who didn't pause for anything, no matter how many times his parents told him to stop. The complimentary lunch was horrible, and the hearse driving him to the cemetery got into an accident. FML

Small world

Today, I learned that my current boss took my fiancé's virginity back in high school. FML

Can't we just get along?

Today, I tried to host a “non-political” BBQ with extended family. Despite my best efforts to avoid politics being brought up, within 30 minutes someone brought up swing states, voter suppression, and deepfake campaign ads. The hamburgers were barely defrosted. FML

Popularity contest

Today, I broke ties with a friend of mine. She said I was her only friend and asked me not to interact with others normally. I'd had enough, and asked her not to bother me again. Then I found out that everyone liked her better and left me alone for lunch, even though she's a gaslighter. FML

Fly my beauties

Today, I spent like $120 on Mother’s Day flowers and a big bundle of balloons for my wife. On the way to the car, the balloons detached from the string and floated away. FML

Cool down

Today, my boyfriend picked me up during sex and set me on his shoulders, with his face buried in my pussy. I loved it until he took a step and put my face right in the path of the ceiling fan. FML

Driving me mad

Today, I kept hearing a weird buzzing sound in my apartment. I turned off everything, unplugged appliances, and was on the verge of calling maintenance. Turns out, it was my electric toothbrush vibrating in my suitcase… for three hours. FML

Long distance

Today, my long-distance boyfriend decided to tell me he found a girl in his hometown he’s become attracted to, and that he doesn’t love me anymore. He says we can "still be friends." I’d just driven 100 miles to see him. FML