Today, my wife, who recently had cancer, made an offhand comment that my 30-year-old sister took offense to. Instead of saying something, she went and called our parents. My dad then called and yelled at me for 5 minutes about it. FML
Today, I went to my local library to study. As I settled in, I dropped my water bottle, causing a mini flood. Panicked, I tried to clean it up with paper towels, only to knock over a stack of books, creating a domino effect of chaos. The librarian gave me the dirtiest look. FML
Today, my daughter wants to forego college to embrace the whole “tradwife” bullshit. She doesn’t seem to understand that the videos she loves so much are as fake as anything else on the internet. These are people cosplaying as “traditional” while making millions off gullible idiots online. FML
Today, I have an HR meeting to discuss my team's performance. This is the same HR that refuses to hire more people because my department is full. The same HR that complains when tasks are completed late due to the team being overworked, yet refuses to take any suggestions. How do you give feedback to people like this? FML
Today, I fell asleep on the barber's chair so many times that he got mad and "accidentally" sprayed water on my face. FML
Today, I came home to see five teens, my kitchen counters covered in an assortment of greens and berries, and a camera. They were filming themselves stuffing their faces for what they called the “leaky butt challenge”, trying to see if any of them caught the bug. FML
Today, I want the holidays to be over. My mom's family thinks I'm an ungrateful brat and a troublemaker because I don't want to see my relatives who are constantly in jail, between jobs, drunk, owing child support, and trash talking the people who lovingly raised me and who died years ago. I only come for my brother. FML
Today, I found a mysterious container in the back of my fridge. I opened it to try and figure out what it was. I still don't know what it was, but now my entire flat smells like it. FML
Today, after suffering probably my worst night of appendicitis, which consisted of vomiting, diarrhea, and going to the doctor, starving, only to find out a couple of hours later in the hospital ER that I'm allergic to penicillin and close to dying. Again. FML
Today, I found out my hot Mormon neighbors can be gay, but they can’t act on it. FML
Today, I laughed so hard at a joke that I snorted, which caused me to choke on my Coke, which then caused me to fall off my chair. The joke wasn’t even that funny. FML
Today, I accidentally selected an emoji with a dark skin tone to use in a Teams chat with my colleagues and supervisor. I'm white. One of them complained and now HR wants to talk. FML
Today, I got to the movie theater early to avoid missing the previews. I sat through 20 minutes of trailers before realizing I was in the wrong auditorium. FML
Today, after mom and dad divorced, remarried people who already had kids, then had more kids, I have 3 siblings, 5 half-siblings, and 3 step-siblings. The reason I’m telling you this is because this Christmas I apparently got lost in the crowd and both mom and dad forgot to buy me a gift. FML
Today, after I had my wisdom teeth cut out yesterday, so of course I’m in pain. To top it off, I threw my back out today and can’t bend over. So in the end, I’m loopy from pain meds and my back hurts twice as bad as my mouth. Go figure. FML
Today, my boyfriend owns a voice-activated Iron Man helmet that no one is allowed to touch. Well, I put it on while he was walking the dog, and the battery lasted just long enough to close it around my head, then died, trapping my head inside, which is how he found me 15 minutes later. FML
Today, my mom has gotten to the stage of her Alzheimer’s where every time I visit she thinks I’m a burglar, and screams and cries until I leave. My dad does his best, but I just want my mom back. FML
Today, I got a text from a number I didn’t recognize saying, "Hey, cutie." Thinking it was the guy I met in a bar during a NYE party, I flirted back. Turns out, it was my grandma learning how to use her new phone. FML
Today, my initial unemployment benefits ran out. Yesterday, the extended benefits ran out for my entire state too, so I'll see $0 assistance. But it could be worse, they're also taking back 7 million $ from extended benefits receivers, so at least I'm not having money taken away. FML
Today, I took my cat to the vet. As the vet reached to examine him, he hissed, then clawed me instead, and then ran straight into a wall. Now we’re both sitting at the vet's, scowling and injured. FML
Today, at 6 a.m., the cops burst into our home. My husband was slammed to the ground and I had a gun pointed at me. I was naked and eight months pregnant. We had moved in the day before, they were coming to arrest the previous tenant. FML
Today, I finally hit rock bottom when I broke down in tears because I forgot to feed my cats in Neko Atsume. FML
Today, I was getting a full-body massage at a spa when the masseuse dropped hot stones directly on my stomach. As I jumped up in shock and slight pain, the oils and towels all fell off me, leaving me completely naked in front of the spa receptionist. FML
Today, the snowplow truck backed into my truck. The window got smashed out, and the door is wrecked. The guy was a scumbag and just left. I didn’t realize he'd hit the truck until hours later. So there’s one inch of snow inside my truck, not to mention that it isn’t driveable. FML
Today, after I accidentally put my headphones through the washing machine and then drying them out, they somehow still worked, but only in one ear. I was about to accept my fate when the other side suddenly started playing audio at full volume during a quiet train ride. FML
Today, I noticed that I hardly communicate with anyone anymore. Yet another friend has sent a random link to our Messenger conversation with, “It’s just to remind myself about it.” Apparently our friendships have evolved into using each other as bookmarks instead of actually talking. FML
Today, I pretended to be on a work call to avoid talking to my neighbour. Mid-fake call, my phone actually rang. I had to answer it and have two simultaneous conversations while avioding eye contact with my neighbour. FML
Today, I realized just how small and boring my life has become when the highlight of my week was an "epic quest" to the edge of the lockdown limit, to visit the only store with my favorite toothpaste. They didn't even have any in stock. FML
Today, despite the hotel where I'm staying having changed owners and being completely renovated, I still got the pleasure of writing "Wash me" into the grime of the swimming pool between two lengths of breaststrokes. Just like the old times. FML
Today, after a very long and stressful day at school, I had to go to work right after. There's no better way to start my shift than getting screamed at by a Karen. FML
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