Today, during an online class, I forgot to mute myself while trying to get my dog to poop. The whole class, including my professor, heard me sing “Push It” by Salt-N-Pepa to motivate her. They all had many questions when I came back on camera. FML
Today, I met my ex, whom I have not seen in years, in the airport. She was with a 3 year-old girl who ran to me with open arms, happily saying, "Papa!" Overjoyed, I picked her up, hugging her back, and kissed her. My ex then condescendingly said, "She's NOT yours!" When I asked why, she said, "She calls ALL MEN 'Papa'!" FML
Today, my mom was pulling up weeds on the terrace while wearing gardening gloves. Why is that worth mentioning? Because that's literally all she was wearing. FML
Today, after a long airplane trip, I arrived at a hotel hoping to get some rest at last. At around 2 AM, my older daughter (13) suddenly got up to start yelling things while sleepwalking. My younger daughter (4) slept all night peacefully, but I realized she had forgotten to put on her nighttime diaper. FML
Today, once again, after dating someone for a month thinking things were going well, I woke up to a text message saying, “You’re really pretty and a great person but I’m not feeling a relationship vibe." FML
Today, you know that cute video of the girl waking up from anaesthesia, seeing her boyfriend and calling him cute even though she’s drugged up? Yeah, good for him. Meanwhile, my husband just woke up from his surgery all drugged up, looked at me, and said, "Ew, Grandma, I thought you were dead." FML
Today, after having pulled like three all-nighters and studying hardcore for months, when it came down to it, I couldn't solve even one question. I almost broke down. FML
Today, my car crapped out in the middle of the road, after over a year of only being able to find short contract jobs, all while juggling the grief of the back to back deaths of my mother and grandfather. FML
Today, my girlfriend offered to wash the bathroom while I was at work. I came back home to find her feeling unwell with a bad headache. She had mixed drain cleaner with bleach because she thought it would make the bathroom cleaner. Now my entire house is a mini gas chamber. FML
Today, I attempted to fix my leaky sink using a tutorial I found on YouTube. Everything was going smoothly until I accidentally turned off the water to the entire apartment building instead of just my unit. Now I'm known as the superhero who flushed everyone's morning routine. FML
Today, I wanted to take my wife and kids to visit some of my favorite hiking trails while visiting my hometown. It would’ve been great, had it not been for the fact that several horny perverts think fucking outside is a great idea. We stumbled upon at least three couples out in the open before giving up. FML
Today, a lizard got caught in some loose duct tape in my office. A perk of working alone, I get to clean up. Lizards scare the Bejeezus out of me. FML
Today, due to a change in our internal system, I set up an email filter at work that sent all incoming messages to spam. My boss had been sending me urgent updates all day, and I only realized when she came over and asked why I’d “gone radio silent.” FML
Today, I took my cat to the vet for a routine check-up. The vet asked if my cat was stressed at all, so I confidently replied, "No, he's a pretty chill little dude." That's when my cat decided to hiss and spit his way to the top of the shelves on the other side of the examination room. He's not as chill as I thought. FML
Today, I found the cause of last night's crippling insomnia was the sleeping pill on the kitchen floor. FML
Today, I got a lecture from my mother about how bad my stress has been, how I have to treat myself better and do something with my life. She still doesn't realize that most of the cause of my stress has been from her berating me about how stressed out I am. FML
Today, my chair abruptly fell apart completely while I was sitting on it. I didn't even do anything. Have I really gained that much weight? FML
Today, I spent hours carefully writing a super-polite email to an international law firm about an invoice mistake. I finally pressed send, only to realize I had addressed it to my gym trainer. FML
Today, if anyone was wondering how my day was going, I woke myself up by kicking the wall. HARD. Pretty sure I broke my big toe. 10/10, TOE-tally TOE-rrific. FML
Today, I called my ex-husband to tell him our daughter was missing (the police have since found her, she’s fine) and he told me not to bother him with shit like that, because she’s my responsibility since she chose to live with me after the divorce. He then hung up the phone. FML
Today, I went to a cook out and sat on a flimsy plastic chair. Halfway through my burger, the chair gave out, and I collapsed in front of everyone, still holding the burger. Someone shouted, “At least you saved the burger!” while everyone laughed. FML
Today, I returned from my holiday in Cairo and was planning to go straight to bed, seeing as I had landed at 2 a.m. All was going well, until I tried to open my front door and realised that I'd left my keys, my S23+ phone, and my wallet in the cab I took home. FML
Today, I found that my medical school has lost its WFME (World Federation for Medical Education) accreditation and my certificate (that I should be obtaining in two years) will be worthless. To pour salt into the wound, I have finals next week and it's hard to stay motivated after this kind of news. FML
Today, I ate a dragon fruit and drank some aloe. I was at work and had to stop what I was doing and run to the bathroom so I didn’t poop my pants. After I was done, I saw splatters of shit on the floor. Confused, I looked at the toilet. To my surprise, I found out I projectile diarrhea-ed all over my work toilet. FML
Today, while I was at a restaurant, my drink had a straw that made a very obnoxious sound whenever I drank from it. Everyone near me was giving disapproving looks. I wasn't doing it on purpose, but they weren't buying it. Even after I got a new straw that didn't make an annoying sound, they still didn't believe me. FML
Today, I got fired because I was “constantly sick”. Constantly in this case meaning: the one time the entire office had Covid, including myself, plus 4 single days in a whole year. FML
Today, after my parents divorced, my father promised to move out in August but has now delayed it until October out of laziness. He's barely spoken to us for months, and when he does, it's with aggressive and childish arrogance. FML
Today, my wife screamed and threatened to leave me… again. She does this about once a year, in response to an argument that she feels frustrated by. We have three amazing children and we're mostly happy in between these outbursts. Today she did it in front of our 6 year-old, who is now crying about our family. FML
Today, I came back home from a 3-month trip to see my boyfriend and his family. Leaving them was obviously very emotional, and to top it off as soon as I got home, I realized I'd left my antidepressants behind, and I now have the flu as well. FML
Today, I've been having persistent fungal infections and was getting treated by a male gynecologist. I had to go in to give vaginal swab tests. I washed and cleaned before I left, but when I got on the doctor's table I already had so much discharge. The doctor asked, "Is it the medicine?" I had to say no. FML
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