The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

Moving day, grandma

Today, after my daughter fell in love with a city I didn't want to move to and I caved to make her happy, after a year of which she got engaged at the age of 18 and moved with her fiancé back to his hometown not far from where we moved from, she called to tell me she's pregnant and my first grandchild will be hundreds of miles away. FML

Unrequited

Today, I was working up the courage to tell my male bestie of three years that I was starting to fall in love with him. I told him, “Hey, I wanna get something off my chest, do you mind?” He instantly panicked and said, “Nope, please don’t say it.” and asked me to leave. He never let me speak and changed the subject. FML

Today, my mom proudly told me that she found the perfect thing to combat my B.O. Extra strength degreaser. FML

Damp, dark night

Today, I'm staying in a hotel. The power went out while I was having a shower. So I waited for it to come back on, until an announcement came over the fire alarm, "Due to generating failure, the power will be off for the rest of the night. Sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused, and have a good night." FML

Fight or flight

Today, I went to my favorite coffee shop, ordered my usual, smiled at the barista I have a crush on, and confidently said, "You too!" when they told me to enjoy my drink. I have to find a new coffee shop. FML

Tech issues

Today, I installed an update on my computer and it's decided WiFi doesn't exist at all. Not on my desktop and not in settings. I'm currently bedbound for weeks due to chronic illness and it's my main source of entertainment. FML

Foreshadowing

Today, I went on a second date with a girl that I like and had a really good time while with her. We got pretty drunk and then went back to mine. When things started to get sexy, I accidentally called her by her sister's name. A girl I don’t even know. FML

Mindreader

Today, my girlfriend began bitching about how I never take her on dates anymore. I suggested one for tomorrow and now she says she doesn’t wanna go, because, “I should ask her on a date without her having to ask.” What the hell? FML

Pro gamer move

Today, I wanted to play Among Us for a little distraction. I ended up having a panic attack. FML

That's not my name

Today, while I was using the bathroom at work, I heard someone come into the stall next to mine and start talking. Thinking they were on the phone, I stayed quiet… but then they said, “I know it’s you, Jennifer.” My name isn't Jennifer. I had to sit there in silence until they left, pretending to be someone else. FML

Bad boss

Today, despite warning my boss that it’s dangerous and stupid, he still insisted I get on with putting up a 4-storey tall scaffolding in high winds, and when it blew over, he blamed me for not putting it together correctly. FML

Apex predator

Today, I bought my cat a catnip-filled toy that's shaped like a fish. He pounced on it, wrestled with it, and then got so scared of it for no reason that he dashed full speed into the wall. FML

Unrequited callousness

Today, I heard that my crush’s dog had died. For some reason, my first instinct when I saw him was to say, “Oh my god, I heard that your dog died!” He started crying. FML

Love is love

Today, it's another day of being madly in love with a girl. We went on a date on Saturday and I’m so in love. I want to have her over to hang out but my parents would freak because I was raised in a devout Christian household. So much for my teenage love story… FML

Put your back into it

Today, for the first time in 2 years I was able to clean my kitchen, because my back pain has stopped me looking after myself. When I stopped cleaning, my pain was so bad, all I could do was lay flat in bed. Not even my pain meds could help. My kitchen is still not completely clean. FML

Covidiots everywhere

Today, I realised the biggest FML this year was getting into online debates with people about Covid not being a hoax. One guy even said it was over, while I knew the numbers were climbing back up as I work in health-care, and I was sat on a toilet with diarrhea because I have Covid myself. FML

Probably for the best

Today, I had a job interview for a position at a police station. I asked to use the restroom and accidentally opened the wrong door, locking myself in a stairwell. I had to knock on the door until somebody let me out. Safe to say I didn't get the job. FML

Life choices

Today, my mom is coming to pick up the Christmas presents we got for her and her husband. She won’t come inside or come within 6 feet, so she can be healthy when she goes down to the ex-wife’s parents house to hang out. The ex in-laws that hate me. Glad my mom chose them over me. FML

Great timing!

Today, I got back from a holiday to find that my coworkers had prepared a “Welcome Back!” surprise. I pretended to be excited, only for them to awkwardly whisper that it was intended for another coworker, who was on her way back from maternity leave the same morning. FML

Hung up

Today, my husband booked a restaurant and a trip to the theatre for my birthday, and even got me some nice jewellery. It’s not my birthday. It is his ex-girlfriend’s birthday though. My birthday isn’t for another four months. It’s the thought that counts I suppose. Idiot. FML

Thanks for the memories

Today, I knew my mom wanted to go out to dinner with me and my sisters, and I couldn't remember why, so I called her and said, "Why are we going out to dinner?" and she goes, "Well, we always have." I forgot today's the anniversary of my stepdad dying. FML

Spiteful

Today, I sent my mom a text to tell her about my promotion at work. She responded with, "Who is this?" It turns out that she deleted my number, because I "never call." FML

Turn off

Today, after many comments over years about her needing to lose weight, I had to tell the woman I love, the woman I married, that she had gotten so overweight that the sight of her naked made me want to puke. Apparently her goal was to get so fat I'd stop asking for sex. I'm her third divorce. FML

Brian Cox voice

Today, my mom told me I need to stop yelling and swearing at my girlfriend. Um, OK, first of all mom, she’s my ex because she cheated on me with my best friend since nursery school, and when she turns up drunk at my door at 4 a.m., you can bet I’m going to yell and swear until she goes away. FML

Pleased to meet you, hope you forget my name

Today, it was my first day at a new workplace. During introductions, I nervously tripped over my words and introduced myself as "Fork." My real name is Frank. My coworkers thought it was too funny to correct. Looks like I’m stuck with "Fork" for the foreseeable future. FML

The blame game

Today, my wife is mad because she forgot our anniversary. Not me, her. She thought it was today and got mad at me for having nothing planned. It’s tomorrow, and I do have stuff planned for us. So she’s mad at me because she got it wrong and felt like an idiot, which is somehow my fault. FML

Just beat it

Today, my boss tried to knock down a tower of empty boxes next to me while yelling, "Beat it, nerd!" A box hit my face and knocked my glasses off. I got bullied by my boss. FML

In shape

Today, I did a new exercise where you lie flat on your stomach and lift your legs. Despite easily lifting my legs into the air from my back, the muscles needed to do it from the other position are so pathetically weak that I could barely lift my legs a tenth of an inch off the ground. FML

Good grief

Today, my mom wished her best friend a Happy Birthday on Facebook. Her best friend died this year. Oh, did I mention that it’s also my birthday? FML

Housemates from hell

Today, my housemate saw some stuff in the barn, thought I surely wouldn’t be using it, so he stacked lots of lawn furniture on top. The “stuff” in question? Bales of hay. As in, daily food for my horses. FML