Today, I was on FaceTime with my sister. She remarked that my living room was a mess, and that she didn’t know how I kept a man with a place like that. I retorted, “He’s not with me for how well I can clean, when I can polish his knob like a marble floor!” I had no idea my dad was off camera. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I brought a girl back to my place. She commented on how neat and clean everything was for a bachelor. I absentmindedly said, “Yeah, my mom comes over and cleans three times a week.” She made a face like I'd just told her I eat puppies or something, then made an excuse to leave. FML
Today, I went to visit my father. His new wife has hoarded out our childhood home nearly to the point of it being unliveable. That’s pretty funny, considering my dad used to literally beat us if our rooms weren’t clean or we left dishes in the sink. FML
Today, my dad was doing FaceTime with a friend. He turned his iPhone towards my sister and said, "There's my daughter…" He then turned it to me and said "…and there's my ugly son", then walked away. I'm still not sure if it's a joke or not. FML
Today, I had a big party that left my house really messy. I spent hours cleaning the house until it was spotless. When my parents got home, my dad said, "Did you have fun at the party?" I said, "How'd you know?" and he replied, "You hate cleaning and the house was filthy when we left." FML
Today, my dad walked in on me jerking off. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I wasn’t Skyping my boyfriend, while both of us were totally naked. I had just told him to “put those toes in your mouth and I’ll cum like you’ve never seen before”. FML
Today, I was talking to my mom about how my fiancé has been ignoring me and that I didn't know why. Turns out, my mother told him that I was too much of a handful, was mentally disturbed and also cheating on him. Just so I wouldn't move out and would keep cleaning her house for free. FML
Today, my dad decided to be an awesome person and fold my laundry without telling me. Later, I heard my parents having a conversation about a pair of panties that were "like dental floss" and which sister they belonged to. FML
Today, I called my boyfriend and when he answered, I said the dirtiest thing I could think of to him on the phone. After a long silence, I heard, "Lacey? Is that you?" I accidentally called my dad. FML
Today, I was recording a video on Snapchat to send to one of my friends, while unaware that my father had walked in behind me. I was talking about how I can’t watch porn anymore because my phone is broken. He now knows too much. FML
Today, I sent a scantily clad pic to my boyfriend, to which he responded "Nice, but please clean your room". FML
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Top comments
TxKitten 8
I'm so sorry, o.p., but I laughed really hard at that. Mainly because that's something I would say, and I can see something like this happening to me.
RichardPencil 32
Dad probably knew that's how you attract men, but was taken by surprise by the colorful language.
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Comments (9)
RichardPencil 32
Dad probably knew that's how you attract men, but was taken by surprise by the colorful language.
alex_jaguara 33
Lady, noone likes to live in the trash. Involve your man in keeping your home clean and both will be happy.
TCRII 30
Oopsies!
TxKitten 8
I'm so sorry, o.p., but I laughed really hard at that. Mainly because that's something I would say, and I can see something like this happening to me.
Chazzster 32
It’s one thing to think or do that, it’s quite another to say it - especially on something like a zoom or FaceTime call where you have no idea who else could hear you.
BurnInDemonFire 39
I assume it's a spit polish.
Jonkbaby 23
Doesn't matter. You won that round
Rsonicgamer_fml 6
So... You accept that you need to work to keep a man ? I mean, aren't both parties involved in the relationship ? Or do his pals and siblings tell him he shouldn't be able to keep a woman in a messy place ?
randybryant799 21
I'm just curious. Why is it up to this woman to keep things clean. Why isn't it up to the man too?