Today, I snapped my banjo string while vigorously masturbating. I was so ashamed, I told the doctor I did it during sex, but I could tell they didn’t believe me. I want to curl up and die but that hurts my stitches, so I guess I’ll have to lie flat on my back and die instead. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I had to explain to my doctor and parents that I dislocated my shoulder while masturbating. FML
Today, I got so bored that I drew a face on my index finger, and made a video of me garrotting it with a string. I ended up rupturing a blood vessel, and had to think up a cover story for my girlfriend to explain my screaming. FML
Today, my sister caught me bent over trying to trim my pubic hairs. She took a photo of my spread ass as a joke and scared me so bad, I cut my clitoris. Currently in hospital hopped up on the really good morphine for the excruciating pain. Oh, and the stitches, God, I can't forget the stitches. FML
Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML
Today, I tried to suck my own penis. Autofellatio. My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again. FML
Today, I accidentally twisted my balls in my own underwear so badly that I had to be hospitalized. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend and somehow managed to pull a back muscle. I’ve been naked for 3 hours, scared to move because it hurts so bad. FML
Today, while having sex with my wife, I got a sudden leg cramp. While sliding off the bed, I found a sewing needle. With my ball sack. I ended up with a one-inch gash. FML
Today, I had to lie to my therapist about my sex life to make myself feel better. FML
Today, I put a tampon in. The string broke. I had to go to the hospital to get it out. FML
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Top comments
Studious_Gluteus 20
Condolences for your pain. Masturbation shouldn't cause injury. You should consult your doctor about how to prevent this in the future. They have undoubtedly seen weirder shit.
Sara Niemantsverdriet 12
I think you need to look up "banjo string" on Urban Dictionary 😂
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Comments (11)
Baka Loli 10
How?.... Literally what the heck were you doing? Were you literally "penetrating" the banjo through the strings for friction? I don't kink shame, but you asked for that one.
Sara Niemantsverdriet 12
I think you need to look up "banjo string" on Urban Dictionary 😂
cacheson 42
Wtf were you doing with that poor banjo?? …or is “banjo string” like a “g string”?
pbruins84 21
'Banjo string' seems to be slang for 'frenulum'
RichardPencil 32
Ah, yes, like in that movie, "Scarface" Say 'allo to my leetle frenulum! Al Pacino is the best!
RichardPencil 32
Cue up the music from "Deliverance." If he refers to his dick as a banjo string, he has lots of troubles down there.
JimmyOblues 6
“He got a pretty mouth.”
Studious_Gluteus 20
Condolences for your pain. Masturbation shouldn't cause injury. You should consult your doctor about how to prevent this in the future. They have undoubtedly seen weirder shit.
defjamblaster 9
What the hell does that even mean?
mccuish 25
I don’t understand what I just read
diraven 15
I hear you, dude. One time I smashed my guitar while wanking. Had to buy a whole new one.
SirEnigM0nk 22
Fender or Gibson? Electric or acoustic?
idragosani 17
Your poor banjo. I always keep extra strings around for just such emergencies,
diraven 15
Oh I just looked up what that is (unfortunately). Just go ahead and complete the circumcision, it's really not that bad.
jcarter25 12
I think I need an explanation