Nuts

Today, I was sitting around a bonfire when an ember landed on my crotch. Without thinking, I quickly slapped at it and hit myself square in the nuts. FML

Today, someone had the unique opportunity to be able to say to me, "Excuse me, your pants are on fire." FML

Close but no cigar

Today, while lighting a cigar, I set my beard on fire. FML

Today, I chuckled at a "No Smoking" sign as I lit my cigarette. I bent my head down to light it and somehow managed to light my hair on fire. FML

Today, I accidentally dropped my cigarette down my shirt. There are now two unsightly, painful burns right in the center of my chest. FML

The show must go on

Today, to amuse my girlfriend, I put on her sexy nightshirt and went out on the balcony for a smoke, all while shaking my booty about in front of her window. She laughed, until one of her neighbors shouted, "HELLO!" from the upper floor, grinning at the show. FML

Technically…

Today, my boss told me to not burn the place down while she was outside. When she came back inside, I accidentally started a fire. FML

Trash the lot

Today, I was sleeping with my girlfriend on my parents' bed naked, just to wake up to find out she got her period, on fresh, new sheets they bought the other day. As I finished scrubbing it and cleaning, she accidentally left a burning cigarette on the sheets so now it has a burn hole too. FML

Big tasty

Today, I was at a barbecue and, unbeknownst to me, took a bite of really hot bacon. In my ensuing panic, I grabbed and took a swig of my friend's beer. It wasn't beer, at least not any more. She was using it as an ashtray, and I got a mouthful of cigarette butts. FML

Today, while playing with a lighter, I jokingly told my boyfriend I would burn his mustache off. He responded by telling me he would burn off mine. FML