Today, my husband decided to literally spice things up. He put a "small amount" of hot-sauce in our lubricant without telling me. He thought 1,000,000 Scoville units would make me cum. The only one who came was the paramedic. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my husband decided to put different condiments on my body to make our sex better. I was thinking whipped cream; he was feeling ketchup. FML
Today, as I was about to have sex with my husband, I said I wanted to "spice things up." Apparently, our ideas weren't the same. He yanked my nipples as hard as he could and said, "Yeah, you like that?" FML
Today, my husband wanted me to "spice up" our sex life. I guess he didn't count on me vomiting when he came in my mouth. We won't be getting intimate again for a long, long time now. FML
Today, my wife got me back for hiding a realistic tarantula replica in her underwear drawer. She ground up hot peppers and horseradish and shoved it in my mouth while I slept. I woke up screaming in pain and went to the hospital before she confessed. FML
Today, my girlfriend asked if we could spice up our sex life. She didn't think it was too funny when I laid out all of our spices on the bed. She now refuses to have sex. FML
Today, my prank-loving girlfriend pushed hot sauce up my penis hole with her tongue by pretending she was going to give me oral sex. It’s been an hour of burning, it’s worse when I pee, and I think I may need a hospital. FML
Today, to spice things up a bit, my wife and I were having sex in our kitchen. She was up on the counter and I moved her over to get in a better position. The stove was still hot from dinner, so now my wife has a burn that looks like a double rainbow on her ass. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try something new in bed. He blindfolded me and I felt something cold on my lady parts. Five seconds later it started burning so I looked. He decided to use toothpaste because he couldn't find chocolate sauce to lick off. It hurts to pee. FML
Today, since my husband has been volunteering to do more of the cooking, I was happy and relieved to have help, until every meal he made had an ungodly amount of spices in it. I overheard him on the phone, saying he’s been purposely making my food inedibly hot so that I’ll eat less and lose weight. FML
Today, while I was asleep, my girlfriend squirted a tiny amount of “mild” hot sauce up my pee hole. In an area that sensitive there's no such thing as fucking mild. I’ve had two days off work already because it stings, and I cry every time I have to pee. FML
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Top comments
riley873 21
Give that fool ass a habanero handjob. To say 'thank you'.
RichardPencil 32
You ****** the paramedic?!?! That’s some swift and savage revenge!
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Comments (41)
Spiritbird 17
Paramedic you sick *****! You hide in people's bedroom and stimulate yourselves watching them having sex accidents.
PhoenixChick 26
favorite new term for children, right there. Also, you misspelled "sexidents"
PhoenixChick 26
favorite new term for children, right there. Also, you misspelled "sexidents"
Davros 12
I hope you remembered the safe-word
chichichimcgee 1
nice pfp
Lillysar91 20
What the actual ****?! Hot sauce to make you ******? Where did he get that from?!
WeirdUS 30
They do have lube that creates a warming sensation. I'm guessing he thought it'd be a cheaper way of doing the same thing. FYL Op for having a husband that stupid. Though I am surprised at the number of FML's that are submitted that involve not washing your hands after eating something spicy and are surprised when it burns.
tash901 31
I think he took the song "Your Sex is on Fire" a little too literally...
katydid91 31
I think he took the song "Girl on Fire" a little too literally as well.
katydid91 31
I think he took the song "Girl on Fire" a little too literally as well.
DanielleinDC 34
Your husband is an idiot. There are warming lubes that won't necessitate a visit from the EMTs.
Victoria Danielle Docherty Hogg 8
i would of killed him
TyrionLannister 17
That's hotter than dragon flame!
PenguinPal3017 19
Is your husband's name Drax by any chance?
weeping_willow 25
Oh. My. God. I seriously hope you have a stern talking to with this man ASAP. My fiancé put pop rocks *down there* and I had to explain yeast infections to him. Good luck, OP. (Put a drop on the toilet paper before he takes a shit. Payback, ya know?)
PhoenixChick 26
For ***** sake, do we really have to put "not to be used vaginally" on our hot sauce bottles now? Those bottles are small, there's no room to address all the orifices you aren't supposed to put it in.