Today, my husband and I attended a funeral. After the service, my phone vibrated. It was a text from my husband, saying "I've got mourning wood like you wouldn't believe! get it? MOURNING. haha :D" I looked up and saw him across the room, winking at me. Not the place, honey. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I attended my mother's funeral. My husband came too, and during the service, I kept hearing him giggling. I wrote it off as the usual awkward nerves, until he started snorting too, and I caught sight of the iPhone under his jacket. He was reading this very site. FML
Today, I went to a funeral for my coworker's father. While there, my dad's cell phone rang and he left to answer it. I turned to my brother and said, "I can't believe he brought his cell phone!" He whispered, "I can't believe he's got coverage. This is a dead zone!" I laughed loudly. At a funeral. FML
Today, I checked my husband's phone, as mine was dead. When I opened it, I saw a text conversation with his friend. He recently said, "Man you just gotta ignore your wife more. I stopped paying so much attention to mine and next thing I knew she was all over me, it's awesome." FML
Today, after my husband's phone buzzed like crazy all morning, I decided to pick it up and see what all the fuss was about. He had three new picture messages from his "boss", naked and strapped to a chair with the caption, "Are you still coming over tonight?" We've been married for nine years and have two children. FML
Today, I heard vibrating from inside my husband's desk drawer. Since he's away for the weekend, I investigated. I found an unfamiliar cellphone with an inbound call. I answered it. Turns out, it was his mistress. Neither of us can get a hold of him. FML
Today, my husband sent me a text before heading home from work. All it said was, "Need a fuck. Backed up to hell. You're about to shower face first in a fire hydrant." Love you too, hun. FML
Today, I was visiting my new in-laws for the first time. During an awkward silence, I took my phone and figured I'd send my friend a text jokingly saying "Mayday, mayday! Somebody save me!" My mood lightened up a little and I felt quite well until my mother-in-law's phone beeped. Yep. FML
Today, my husband called me from work just to chat. He asked what I had been up to today. I was feeling frisky so I told him all about how I had gotten horny, watched a porno and masturbated earlier. It wasn't until I heard the hoots and laughter that I realized he had me on speakerphone. FML
Today, I saw an employee showing off a picture on his phone. I couldn't quite see what it was and tried to inject myself in to the conversation. "Whatcha got there, a cow?" It wasn't. It was a photo of his wife, posing in her wedding dress for the first time since their wedding day several years and children ago. FML
Today, my husband sent me some flowers while he's away from town on a business trip. The flowers were beautiful enough that I almost forgot the screenshot his best friend had sent me, where my husband bragged that he'd "probably be drowning in dick when she gets the flowers." FML
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Top comments
Nymeria_fml 25
*cough*Insensitive*cough* Oh, excuse my coffin.
theasian007 11
I hope I'm not a bad person for thinking this would've been hilarious
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Comments (129)
Nymeria_fml 25
*cough*Insensitive*cough* Oh, excuse my coffin.
cakefete2 31
That pun is just too good to get buried.
syki 22
This is a grave matter. You shouldn't be joking about it.
Nymeria_fml 25
You're dead to me, syki.
Garrison21 11
Hey at least he is trying. Even though it's not really a good place for that behavior.
wellthen7154 12
I knew this thread was tomb good to last, #36.
xxrogerthatxx 19
40, your horrible pun is going to end up 6 feet under.
fuckedPriceless 17
That pun was to die for.
slipstreak 10
63 - Good one, that killed me!
fuckedPriceless 17
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
didn't mean to submit this comment :|
LeFrogDog 27
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Would everyone stop hursting around
LittleBells 17
These puns are so cheesy, I'm gonna be laughing until Mourning
Liamj774 36
You guys need somebody to take you under
ohnowhyme123 15
He's just dying to get it on.
just16letters 15
Well it's a dead cert that you're going to hell
mat_sib 18
Stop hersing around guys
Murkyy 15
I dunno, I dig it.
theasian007 11
I hope I'm not a bad person for thinking this would've been hilarious
vietprincess2010 14
no, I think it's super funny. her husband has a sense of humor. probably wrong place but it is still funny.
pussystank 18
It's Ok man, I once couldn't hold my laughter at a funeral because the grieving lady looked epically hilarious while weeping. Don't start thumbing me down yet, I was only 6 or 8 years old.
seriouslygrowup 11
Your Hubby has a sense of humor I'd enjoy. Don't take life too seriously, you will never get out of it alive (as per the funeral). If just 1 person does that at my funeral I'd be happy.
cassm 7
If it was someone you sort of knew. Yes, absolutely hilarious. If it was a person they were close with, then not the right place.
Sudokori 13
The ONE place that you NEVER make dick jokes. Seriously
pessimistprime 4
What about in a circumcision doctors office, huh? WHAT ABOUT THEN, HUH?
RastaZebra 8
I'm pretty sure a doctor's office is not the same as a funeral home...
HylianTwilight 21
Hey, foreskin needs a proper burial too. I find circumsizing to be depressing in general.
RastaZebra 8
Dicks and diamonds are basically the same thing. They're beautiful if you cut them, because otherwise they're just ugly rocks.
VonBlitzkrieg 27
Rigor mortis makes everything hard
ericjprs 3
You comment has 69 likes... lol
cryssycakesx3 23
but she did say *after* the service...
Kiki242 19
Tour husband is a class act....
Kiki242 19
*your.
BubbleGrunge 18
I'm so sorry you were at a funeral, but some people handle stress with humor. At least he kept it between you and him. And now all of the FML community knows!
Brandi_Faith 34
When my grandma died my brother and I made jokes and tried and lighten the mood. Looking back I realize it was a way to decompress and handle the situation. Personally I love that your husband was making jokes and trying to lighten the mood. As long as it was kept between you two (and I bet he would never say it to anyone else other than maybe a best friend) than no problem. No harm, no foul.
LittleBells 17
That's a sweet way to lighten the mood. But what was supposed to be between OP and him. About 17000 FMLer's know now
Brandi_Faith 34
83, don't see why that matters. It's not like we know their names or who they are.
Shadowvoid 33
Well maybe you could mourn the passing of his hard on because I wouldn't be giving him any for a while after that
Jinxsie 27
I don't know why you got thumbed down. I laughed.
allie2590 31
I don't think he actually had a hard on... At least I hope not!
PinkieKeen 20
tell him that he'll be 'mourning' over the sex you won't have for a week.
tucansamTommyG 12
Already used that pun
BFons 19
At least he's attracted to you.
ryanthecheeseguy 18
I'd be worried if he wasn't considering they're married and all...
cakefete2 31
Could have been worse. He could have said, "I'm stiffer than the guy in the box."
whenitdidhappen 14
well,if you were the husband she wouldn't have wrote the FML because that punch line have just made my day.
ahippienamedrae 10
You get the point for the day omg
tashb 17
Thumbs up for you... You just made my mourning.
refticon 32
very lol
blondie107 20
There's a time and place for everything but that is sooo not it
23lf 16
Well, technically, that IS the right place for that pun. Still a terrible thing to say though