Today, my girlfriend claimed she was a Viking because she's pale and has blond hair. She also warned me that if I piss her off she'll go 'berserk' on me. She demonstrated by smacking me in the nuts with a wooden spoon. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my girlfriend snapped at me for being lazy and incompetent, and declared that if I was going to behave like a child, she would be treating me like one. This includes safety-proofing the house, talking to me like a 3-year-old and slapping me with a wooden spoon when I do something wrong. FML
Today, I yelled at my girlfriend for something trivial. Instead of yelling back, she was scarily calm and said, "Remember, I’ve got 50 lbs on you. Yell at me again and I’ll lay a pillow on your face and sit on it until you’re dead." I think she might mean it. FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend when she'll be having her period, since she was acting pretty bitchy the last time around. She duct taped my leg hair and ripped it off while I was napping. FML
Today, I went to the farm my girlfriend's parents live on. She was showing me around the barn when she picked up a tool and said, "We used this to castrate the goats… and I'll use it on you if you piss me off." FML
Today, my girlfriend came over to my place unannounced. She slapped me in the face, said, "You son of a bitch." and stormed off. I have no idea what that was for. FML
Today, whilst in an argument with my girlfriend, I told her she was the craziest bitch I'd ever met. She responded with "Challenge accepted." I'm now terrified. FML
Today, my girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn't follow her latest fad of becoming a goth, which involves dressing like an undertaker's haunted hearse and putting on eyeliner. Last week she was into Reggae and beanie hats. FML
Today, I learned that when my girlfriend told me that she's a different person without coffee and smokes in the morning, she wasn't kidding; after I'd asked her how she'd slept, she bitched me out for "mocking her" and hurled a hairdryer at my head. FML
Today, my girlfriend hit me on the head with a frying pan for a funny video, because she thought it would go bonk and make me do a funny reaction. She must be a new kind of stupid cause I got four stitches, a hairline fracture, and a headache. FML
Today, my girlfriend felt bad about a rude comment she made to me, and asked me to insult her in return. I told her she was getting fat. Wrong move; now she's not speaking to me. FML
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Top comments
bubina 14
I guess she pillaged and plundered your balls.
lelo007 11
Kindly take the wooden spoon from her and return the favor by whacking her in the forehead with it.
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Comments (118)
bubina 14
I guess she pillaged and plundered your balls.
Pleonasm 36
Sent them straight to Valhalla, in true Norse fashion. May your noble balls lie safe in Asgard, OP
xXHollowIchigoXx 17
The sex is going to be very rough and kinky.
TourettesGuyFTW 26
Swede Jesus I bet that hurt!!
lelo007 11
Kindly take the wooden spoon from her and return the favor by whacking her in the forehead with it.
lelo007 11
I can believe that. I've been pretty angry at a few men in my past, but I have never even thought of hitting below the belt. Well, I've never hit anybody ever, but if I were going to, it wouldn't be in their balls.
christyxbee 15
Wow. Their sex life must have a great time if shit like this outside the bedroom doesn't Make her want to run out now!
xGolfWangx 5
A Wooden spoon!? Holy shit she is a viking !
TourettesGuyFTW 26
It had nails sticking out
rattusrattus 19
Beserk comes from 'bear-sark' or 'bare-sark' meaning either bear shirt (as in, a shirt made from bears) or topless. However, I don't think gratuitous nudity is worth genital pain.
desoto96 9
No, the term "going berserk" came from the ancient Norse berserker warriors, because of how viciously they fought in battle. It was said that they would go into an uncontrollable state of rage. Hence "going berserk."
DocBastard 40
I'm sure the thumbs-downers would be very disappointed to learn that rattusrattus is absolutely right. Keep thumbing her down if you like - it won't make her wrong. Desoto - Look up the etymology of "berserk".
DelphiCat 17
Actually, they're both right. It was the mental people who wore the bear shirts/went naked. Well, sort of, scholarship has largely abandoned the notion of them fighting naked, due to this being a misreading of the old Norse. (ber-serkr not berr-serkr) Unfortunately this then means rattusrattus's joke does not work.
ohSNAPyall 27
My love for you is like a truck. BERSERKER.
desoto96 9
I apologize for being rude, but considering the context of the word in the FML. I would say that my comment makes more sense. Anyhow, who cares lol.
Trisha_aus 15
I didn't know Vikings used wooden spoons to smack people in the nuts..you learn so much on FML!
kniggit 10
Is that... an emoticon?
CanWeMicrowaveIt 11
It's the shooting star people.
CanWeMicrowaveIt 11
It's the shooting star people.
annie_nk 23
I believe it's supposed to be a rainbow with a star at the end. I saw it a lot on TV in the 90s after a little tid bit of knowledge was explained. I'm not exactly sure what show or channel had it.
chippa 24
I just know it from Family Guy LOL.
klovemachine 24
It was on NBC, 61...the more you know :) =====*
Rowdey 10
All hail the mighty Thor!
Trisha_aus 15
I thought Thor was a Demi-god...he looks too hot to be a Viking
Rowdey 10
Ahh, you don't like the long, greasy beards and un-groomed, sweat-covered arm hair of the Vikings?
tygerarmy 35
10, Thor is a God and the son off Odin the all-father creator of the universe in Norse mythology.
Warden1986 16
Thor is a god in Norse mythology. Hence the title Thunder God. Demi gods were more in Greek mythology. Then Norse mythology.
ohSNAPyall 27
She smacked you with Thor's hammer.
Mikeskinner 7
Avengers got it wrong. Thor's not a Demi-God. He's a full-blown god. I think they said Demi-god in avengers to avoid religious prosecution.
outoftown 27
#58, *Thor's hammer, kitchen version.
KaeSAL 11
62- The Thor in the Marvel universe and the Thor in Norse mythology are substantially different.
KaeSAL 11
Unless of course you were referring to the comics, in which case I'm a moron. Let the thumbs rain down..
SmittyJA24 26
That's not a GF, that's a crazy bitch. Dump her "Viking" ass now ... before you have more painful encounters with that wooden spoon.
Trisha_aus 15
So she's a bit imaginative..dump her ass isn't always the answer. Maybe he can learn what Vikings like..this can be fun for both!
honeybadgerr 9
Yes #9 you are in no position to judge... Taking one look at your profile picture gave an interesting view at your own character.
Cartera 10
28 - Since we're saying things about character: I'm assuming that you're 12 years old, a honey badger, talk in 3rd person, and you don't care about anything.
olpally 33
Could be the sign of some kinky **** she wants to act out, or she's just a crazy bitch. I'll go with the latter.
Trisha_aus 15
What kind of kinky **** scenario features a Viking?!
Rowdey 10
The right kind.
olpally 33
Anything is possible. Lol
xXxIracebethxXx 14
RULE 34!
skittlestrailmix 14
Or maybe it's a sign that she's been listening to Amon Amarth too much...
winnerme123 8
Next time, wear a cup.
chris_a7x 11
For y'all who dont know what a cup is, it means like a jock strap, something to protect your nuts.
TrailblazerSS 5
Ask her how many blows to the head she has had recently, it might be useful when looking for some strong-ass medication