Today, I woke up to my new roommate staring at me, just a few inches from my face. She then told me how easy I would be to kill in my sleep. Then she stood up, naked from head to toe. FML

Rude awakening

Today, I woke up to the sound of my psycho ex trying to break down my apartment door. FML

Today, I woke up to my creepy new roommate licking my cheek. FML

I'm awake

Today, my roommate thought it was a good idea to set my beard on fire to wake me up. FML

Today, I was awoken to a punch in the face. My boyfriend said I was giggling in my sleep and he thought I was possessed. FML

You absolure freak

Today, I woke up to my roommate glaring at me. Apparently, I was sleep-talking again, but last night I apparently shouted, “You’ll never find the bodies!” multiple times. He’s been sleeping with his door locked since. FML

Today, I woke up to a strange wetness covering my body. My drunk roommate's urine. FML

Pyrotechnics

Today, after I told my roommate last week she needed to find a new place to live because I thought she was psychotic, she set my house on fire. FML

Today, my new roommate, who seemed to get along with me just fine up until now, has requested to switch to a different room. Apparently, I was making racist comments in my sleep. FML

Today, my brother woke me up by trying to light my bed on fire. FML