Today, I went on my first official date I've been on since my divorce. Things were going great until he ordered his fourth 32oz beer; he got hammered and became a horny octopus. Oh, and he farted whiled trying to give me a goodnight kiss. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I went on a first date. He got so drunk he forgot what he ordered to eat ten minutes after ordering. He also had to text me later to ask if we kissed, because he couldn’t remember. FML
Today, I was on a first date and tried to playfully flick a fry at him. It missed, hit a waiter in the face, and he dropped an entire tray of drinks onto an elderly couple. My date laughed, then excused himself to the bathroom… and never came back. FML
Today, I went on a blind date. Everything was going great until I laughed so hard at one of his jokes that I snorted, choked on my drink, and accidentally slapped his face while trying to cover my mouth. We didn't order dessert. FML
Today, I went on a blind double date. My date was drunk before I got there. He kept getting my name wrong, and ended up spilling a glass of red wine down the front of my dress. FML
Today, I went on a date with someone I'd met online. Everything was going surprisingly well, until I knocked over my drink, spilling it all over my date's lap. In a panic, I blurted out, "Dude, did you piss yourself?" Needless to say, there will be no second date. FML
Today. I went on a date with a really great guy. After the date we went to his place and had drinks in the hottub. I ended up shitting myself. FML
Today, I went on my first date in nearly a year. A few minutes into the meal, he called me "scrumptious" and made animal noises for the rest of it. FML
Today, I went on a date with a new guy after not dating for quite some time. I'd drank a lot of water, so I wouldn't eat so much on the date and look like a pig. Unfortunately, I'd forgotten how funny this guy really was. He made me laugh so hard, I peed all over myself. FML
Today, I went on a first date to the movies. During the flick, I choked on a piece of popcorn. I took a gulp of soda and that got stuck as well. I finally got my breath back and let out the loudest burp I ever have. He looked at me and said, "Does this mean I can fart now?" FML
Today, I went on a blind date. When I arrived, the guy looked nothing like his profile picture. We started chatting, and things were going fine until he asked, “So, what do you think about my date?” I replied, “Uh, I think it’s going well!” He responded, “I was talking about the waitress. I’m married.” FML
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Top comments
xx_Sarah_xxxxx 6
horny octopus, really?? well things can only get better.....
a_cassie 4
how romantic.
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Comments (140)
SkoalThugz 0
his octopussy queefed on you eh
nalia18 8
hahahahaha!
CarleeBugg123 5
Haha "eh" xD
staceysgenesis16 0
hahahaha !! ohhh thats just .. awsome .. *claps*
hammy3 0
classy...
SkoalThugz 0
its the canadian in me
dolphincheddar 10
fail
SchiTzenGiglez 0
^^win^^
CarleeBugg123 5
haha I see that 57 xD
4XxXo_OxXx4 0
lol...
a_cassie 4
how romantic.
valri3 0
That's a keeper right there.
ImaWiseGuy 5
diamond in the ruff.....
caligirl1990 0
sounds kinda like a set up
misfitSuperStar 0
Unless he apologized, the fart would be a deal breaker. First kiss FAIL!!
zendaddy0 0
I thought alcohol lowered the sex drive in men
ImInABox 6
And you weren't overpowered with the smell of love and your perfume and his cologne mixed together. Oh, it was much more than that for he graced you with the smell of his farts. And you all will live happily ever after!
jenaandtyler4eva 0
that pwned haha good one
xx_Sarah_xxxxx 6
horny octopus, really?? well things can only get better.....
crisd666 0
u look cute hehe
CryMoreFMLs 15
And you sound like a creeper!
staceysgenesis16 0
crreeeeeepeeeer ..
Daerauko 0
"today, I've been too shy to even speak to a girl. finally I gathered enough courage to say a girl is cute online and two people called me a creeper" haha go to talk to a girl that's physically in front of you, or hell adult friend finder might help.
SchiTzenGiglez 0
haha creeper status
Tuesdays76 0
I didn't know beer could give 8 Arms...
eman1972 4
Wow, you have pretty eyes!
Link5794 18
Nobody cares! This isn't a fricking dating site!
dannnngthatsux 19
Hentai FTW!
JHC88 2
ugh, that sucks. don't let that deter you from getting back in the dating game. I'm sure you'll have better luck with your next date!
SkoalThugz 0
yeah maybe next time it'll be a horny squid!
notsocrazee 0
lol
xoxoMEGANxoxo 13
lol 6
staceysgenesis16 0
hahahahah 6 horny squid LMAO
Monikabug 9
If it was worse would it be a horny jellyfish?
kbtoyz69 9
no
sourgirl101 29
Is it safe to say there will not be a second date? I've heard it's recommend that first dates should be something quick such as a cup of coffee. This way if it goes bad, you're in and out. If it goes great, you could continue it with a movie etc.... You're single now! Live it up and have fun!
TraceCase_ 19
Sounds like it makes sense, but OP said things were going great until he got hammered. Had they had a quick date, there probably would have been a second and the horny octopus would have just appeared then.
Igor_g5 0
Sounded like he wanted in and out.
AmericanGirl69 0
LOL. win^^
Igor_g5 0
:-)
Suavis 4
lol I believe that was said in sleepless in Seattle
mintcar 10
YDI for allowing him to take you to Joe's Crab Shack. Not very romantic. Anyways, i wouldn't plan a second date if i were you. He sounds like a loser.
mintcar 10
YDI for allowing him to take you to Joe's Crab Shack. Not very romantic. Anyways, i wouldn't plan a second date if i were you. He sounds like a loser.
FriskyTaco 0
I don't get the joes crab shack reference...
CryMoreFMLs 15
What the hell does Joe's Crab Shack have yo do with this FML? It' a horny octopuss, not a horny crab....
mintcar 10
I mentioned a random place where I felt wasn't very romantic. It was the first thing that popped in my head. ^ U MAD?
Monikabug 9
Just a heads up here, but.. It is a FIRST DATE. Romance isn't supposed to really be involved - it's about getting to know the person to see if you would want to start seeing them romantically. Plus? Joe's Crab Shack is pretty much dinner & a show, and it's a bit pricey - & is far more romantic then Starbucks or McDonalds.
Monikabug 9
And no - he's not mad. He has a case of the nerd rage. :>
docscientist 10
Red Lobster doesn't just have lobster on the menu and Joe's crab shack doesn't just have crab, it's seafood related, lighten the **** up.
grooglius 0
how do u become an octopus!? I wanna learn how
AvengedSevenfold_fml_fml 12
Horny octopus? O_o So, he has 7 extra penises? :O He's a keeper ^_- lmao
xX_LilSammie_Xx 4
lmao
Michigan_Girl 0
I think she meant his hands were all over her lol!