Today, I was walking home from work, when a clearly homeless guy who smelled like Jimmy Hoffa's colon grabbed me, pinned me to a wall, and demanded that I hand over my "booty". I don't know whether or not I was mugged by Jack Sparrow, but either way, he's now over £100 richer. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was walking home, when I saw a homeless man trying to tear the wallet out of another guy's hand. I can't stand bums, so I smacked him across the jaw. That's when the other one kneed me in the balls and made off with my wallet as well. FML
Today, a man pulled me violently into an alleyway and informed me I was being mugged. Being a body-builder, I said, "Oh yeah? Go on then." He kicked my ass in a matter of seconds, stole my wallet, then farted on my bruised face. He called me a wimp. FML
Today, I picked up a penny off the street for good luck on my job interview. A few seconds later, a hobo beat me up, took my wallet, and ran off. The whole ordeal made me late for the interview. So much for good luck. FML
Today, I was walking down the street, when a man behind me tapped me on the shoulder. He gave a $5 bill and said that he thought I had dropped it. Not having the integrity to turn him down, I took it. I spent the next 20 minutes being chased by a crazy hobo who claimed that it was his. FML
Today, I was walking downtown when a bum approached me for some change. I planned to give a couple dollars but after pulling out my wallet exposing my cash, the bum beat me unconscious. The bum is a 5'0" tall woman; I'm a 6'2" male out $200. FML
Today, I was walking home with my boyfriend, when a guy pulled a knife and told us to hand over our money. My boyfriend blurted "I don't have shit, dude! She has tons of cash!" The moment the mugger turned to me, my boyfriend ran away at top speed. FML
Today, I got mugged. I also got an extra kick in the face for not having money in my wallet. FML
Today, I was walking through a rough part of town, when a woman screamed that I'd stolen her bag. I was tackled to the ground by a large guy, who then gave my bag to her. FML
Today, while getting out of Starbucks there was a homeless guy. I bought him a coffee and he was so happy he gave me a hug. Guess whose wallet is missing? FML
Today, I found a wallet on the train. I called the owner, who said he would come around and pick it up. When he finally did, he looked inside and screamed that his money was missing, and that I was a dirty thief. I never took a cent. He's filing theft charges against me. FML
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Top comments
Docbee 11
You're lucky he wanted your money and not the other type of booty
Redoxx_fml 22
Why is the rum always gone?
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Comments (132)
Docbee 11
You're lucky he wanted your money and not the other type of booty
cheefer 0
He was clearly asking for anal.
Meettitan 14
That's CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow!
hama806 19
He had me at "Jimmy Hoffa colon." Too funny. But I hope you weren't too scarred by this experience OP.
pillowsarecomfy 2
What are the odds you misunderstood this homeless guy......
winnerme123 8
He wanted the money to pay for the other type of booty.
sens3sfailing 25
He supports the missionary's position.
AKGirlinSD 20
Maybe the wanna be pirate, robber, wanted both booties but only got one. Jail/prison will give him plenty of the other kind of booty and his will be up for grabs as well ;-).
alshygirl 14
This is off topic but 1- your profile pic gave be nightmares
Redoxx_fml 22
Why is the rum always gone?
CurlyGurlF 6
Favorite line!
Hiimhaileypotter 53
I find Jack Sparrow oddly attractive. Is it just me? It probably is just me :P
jetsown08 21
Well after that mugger has £100 more, there'll be more rum coming!
Judahsh 8
Johnny Depp 31. Your not the only one
Judahsh 8
You're
GaleIsHawt 5
31 - you definitely are not the only one! I love me some johnny depp
Dixbfloppin 11
I threw it all into the ocean.
Felling 14
Definitely not just you haha.
mduffy08 8
I really hate that monkey...
whosindahouse 9
Johnny Depp lost his virginity at age 13.
99megster 15
86- really?! How do you even know that
love_isnt_enough 15
CAPTAIN. It's Captain Jack Sparrow!
dheunwj 3
Lol
corinnipoo 2
There should be a "Captain" in there somewhere. ;) And Johnny is MINE. :P
boarder540 12
Sounds like a smart homeless man to me...
Death_Hoe_Inn 10
Theft is never smart
mduffy08 8
If he was smart, he probably wouldn't be homeless.
TriflingAllDay 6
I would'nt say never.
jjessen 20
OP shoulda beat the shit outta that dude. Shoulda gone kungfuiy on his ass
Zatheria 1
You've smelled Jimmy Hoffa's colon?
Redoxx_fml 22
Sea turtles, mate
GoArmy57 7
Who hasn't smelled his colon?
im_too_pro 2
I was slightly concerned myself, but a little impressed
NOOBSQUAD 0
I am very curious about what his colon smells like, if it smells like mine I'll be pissed.
eBall07 2
Do y'all not know how to spell "cologne"? Lol
MissEmma_fml 22
Wow! I wonder if his colon smells the same as his comma...
Stix89 2
For some reason when I was reading the FML I glazed over the fact that it read colon instead of cologne. That is until I got to this comment. What does Jimmy Hoffa's COLOGNE smell like?
MURIKKA 11
At least he didn't make you tell him where the buried treasure is.
MURIKKA 11
*was
Axipiter 24
Or still IS...
Axipiter 24
.
CoolBroStory 7
This made me think of the Boondocks.
Xythenol 6
"My booty is mine, it belongs to me. You cannot have my booty!"
jaxv95 7
" I came fo booty, a mans butt Now i likes ya, n i wants ya So we can do this the easy or we can do this the hard way? ...the choice is yours"
rsunshine2020 13
Consider yourself lucky!!! Jack sparrow.. It's a story to tell, savvy?
rsunshine2020 13
Oh my gosh! How could I forget. Thank you :)
XmoulcraftX 6
Maybe jack should do a new movie sounds like he's in a boat load of trouble...
gheebuttersnaps 4
That's a new approach to mugging...
ryguy83 2
Sounds like you had a good day