Today, I was walking home from work, when a clearly homeless guy who smelled like Jimmy Hoffa's colon grabbed me, pinned me to a wall, and demanded that I hand over my "booty". I don't know whether or not I was mugged by Jack Sparrow, but either way, he's now over £100 richer. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was walking home, when I saw a homeless man trying to tear the wallet out of another guy's hand. I can't stand bums, so I smacked him across the jaw. That's when the other one kneed me in the balls and made off with my wallet as well. FML
Today, a man pulled me violently into an alleyway and informed me I was being mugged. Being a body-builder, I said, "Oh yeah? Go on then." He kicked my ass in a matter of seconds, stole my wallet, then farted on my bruised face. He called me a wimp. FML
Today, I picked up a penny off the street for good luck on my job interview. A few seconds later, a hobo beat me up, took my wallet, and ran off. The whole ordeal made me late for the interview. So much for good luck. FML
Today, I was walking down the street, when a man behind me tapped me on the shoulder. He gave a $5 bill and said that he thought I had dropped it. Not having the integrity to turn him down, I took it. I spent the next 20 minutes being chased by a crazy hobo who claimed that it was his. FML
Today, I was walking downtown when a bum approached me for some change. I planned to give a couple dollars but after pulling out my wallet exposing my cash, the bum beat me unconscious. The bum is a 5'0" tall woman; I'm a 6'2" male out $200. FML
Today, I was walking home with my boyfriend, when a guy pulled a knife and told us to hand over our money. My boyfriend blurted "I don't have shit, dude! She has tons of cash!" The moment the mugger turned to me, my boyfriend ran away at top speed. FML
Today, I got mugged. I also got an extra kick in the face for not having money in my wallet. FML
Today, I was walking through a rough part of town, when a woman screamed that I'd stolen her bag. I was tackled to the ground by a large guy, who then gave my bag to her. FML
Today, while getting out of Starbucks there was a homeless guy. I bought him a coffee and he was so happy he gave me a hug. Guess whose wallet is missing? FML
Today, I found a wallet on the train. I called the owner, who said he would come around and pick it up. When he finally did, he looked inside and screamed that his money was missing, and that I was a dirty thief. I never took a cent. He's filing theft charges against me. FML
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Top comments
Docbee 11
You're lucky he wanted your money and not the other type of booty
Redoxx_fml 22
Why is the rum always gone?
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Comments (132)
PhilMcHawk 7
You have smelled Hoffa's colon? Tell me more about your swim to the ocean floor.
XxRose_SparksxX 7
Well...if it was CAPTAIN** Jack Sparrow, at least you got mugged epically.
devil_dog_84 2
That would be "CAPTAIN* Jack Sparrow" to you sir!
tygrr13 4
I wouldn't mug you for yer booty. I'd just politely ask for it. :p
hewro_failure 11
You need a knife or some form of protection if you plan to continue to walk home from work
bassgod 9
So that's what happened to pirate Steve!
desertpunk75 11
Just punch the bum in the face.
mattscott 5
This reminded me of the tumblr post about 'colon'. I think more people need to learn how to spell.
Cinderella_Man 10
Nah, he really wanted the "bootay"! XoD
noisebox 1
Should have called the cops and get those doughnut eaters to do their job, as it is illegal to assault people..the cops would love it though because they would get to taser someone...