Today, I was struck down with horrible diarrhea. With barely any toilet paper left, I texted my husband to buy some more and rush home. He replied, "Sorry babe, getting shitfaced with the lads. Get it? 'Shitfaced'. LOL!" and stopped replying to my desperate pleas. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my husband and I were talking about how we missed our sexting from when we were dating, so later I took a bath and texted him while he was relaxing in bed. His response ? "I'm tired and hurry up I need to poop." FML
Today, work was so busy that when I went to take a shit, I had to force it and wipe hurriedly. Later, when I got home and hopped in the shower, my wife saw the skid mark in my underwear and lost her shit, calling me a disgusting disgraceful pig. FML
Today, in desperate need of a shit, I quickly ran into a shop to buy toilet paper. I rushed home and unleashed, only to realise I'd bought paper towels. Without options, I had to wipe my ass with them and consequently blocked the toilet. I found rolls of toilet paper while looking for the plunger. FML
Today, I was at work alone with a stomach bug. For some reason, our bathroom was out of toilet paper, so I had to quickly run to the nearest store to buy more, only to shit my pants midway there. I'm pretty sure the cashier knew exactly what had happened. FML
Today, I had just sat down and taken a dump in a public restroom when I realized there was no toilet paper. I tried to discreetly call for help, but no one heard me. My only option was to text a friend and have them bring me some. The worst part? My friend ended up texting me, "You called for backup?" as I waited in humiliation. FML
Today, after a shopping trip, I had the worst diarrhea attack and almost shat my pants before I could even get in the front door. By the time I could get the door open, it was taking all of my self-control to keep from shitting myself. I had to shit on the toilet with the front door and bathroom door wide open. FML
Today, I shat myself in front of my girlfriend's family, after drinking too much the previous night and waking up with major stomach problems. FML
Today, I was stuck crouching over the toilet after a night of drinking. My fiancé walked in, gathered my hair, and held it out of the way. When another wave of nausea hit me and I leaned in, he shoved my face into the bowl and ran out, laughing and yelling, "That'll teach ya!" FML
Today, my boyfriend came home drunk from town, busted the toilet door open crying, and proposed to me with a ring and all. I was literally mid-shit. FML
Today, I woke up to use the restroom, because I had to take a shit. There was basically no toilet paper left. I asked my boyfriend if he could go get some. It was 1 a.m. He said he’d go when the stores were open, then told me to just rinse off in the shower. FML
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Top comments
superxmario91 11
use his favorite shirts!!
LostThePlot 3
Your husband has a pretty terrible sense of humour.
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Comments (100)
Tempest151 11
It's an expensive way of life to supply a woman with a lifetime supply of toilet paper. He was teaching you a lesson.
Wizardo 34
Bust out some mad origami skills, train your brain whilst wiping your ass!
angelofsaturn 23
just patiently wait. he's gonna be stuck at home one day with no TP and then you can spend the day pampering yourself with no rush to get home. but seriously i'd just use a washcloth because the shit will turn to damn near water at some point. bonus points if you use his washcloth.
TheBun118 8
#50 and #55 have the right idea but why wait for him to have explosive diarrhea, thats what laxatives are for! >:-D MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!
DisCreation 14
you never told her husband he's not very funny...
leelafry 16
I think #50 has the right idea...but you can help by saving the empty tube and then replace the full one with the empty one at a time you KNOW he'll be "doing his business." Either that or hide the new one after you get it. Sorry for your SITuation, OP.
shadevil75 6
Wipe your ass with his pillowcase so he can truly understand the meaning of the word "shitfaced".
protoskore 27
lock the front door, leave the key in the lock so it can't be unlocked from outside. Then we he gets home, yell to him that you're stuck in the toilet with no paper and can't come to the door to let him in. In the mean time, a bucket of warm soapy water and some clean rags can work wonders.
CrazyChickens721 5
You should tell your asshole of a hubby, what the king ***** the hand wipes and babe, you're definitely NOT the king in this house ;)
lovelyohhmee 8
Take a shower. Next best thing.
DRMIKA 4
Nay, I've heard if it also. At the end, add "just like Jackie Chan."