Today, I was struck down with horrible diarrhea. With barely any toilet paper left, I texted my husband to buy some more and rush home. He replied, "Sorry babe, getting shitfaced with the lads. Get it? 'Shitfaced'. LOL!" and stopped replying to my desperate pleas. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my husband and I were talking about how we missed our sexting from when we were dating, so later I took a bath and texted him while he was relaxing in bed. His response ? "I'm tired and hurry up I need to poop." FML
Today, work was so busy that when I went to take a shit, I had to force it and wipe hurriedly. Later, when I got home and hopped in the shower, my wife saw the skid mark in my underwear and lost her shit, calling me a disgusting disgraceful pig. FML
Today, in desperate need of a shit, I quickly ran into a shop to buy toilet paper. I rushed home and unleashed, only to realise I'd bought paper towels. Without options, I had to wipe my ass with them and consequently blocked the toilet. I found rolls of toilet paper while looking for the plunger. FML
Today, I was at work alone with a stomach bug. For some reason, our bathroom was out of toilet paper, so I had to quickly run to the nearest store to buy more, only to shit my pants midway there. I'm pretty sure the cashier knew exactly what had happened. FML
Today, I had just sat down and taken a dump in a public restroom when I realized there was no toilet paper. I tried to discreetly call for help, but no one heard me. My only option was to text a friend and have them bring me some. The worst part? My friend ended up texting me, "You called for backup?" as I waited in humiliation. FML
Today, after a shopping trip, I had the worst diarrhea attack and almost shat my pants before I could even get in the front door. By the time I could get the door open, it was taking all of my self-control to keep from shitting myself. I had to shit on the toilet with the front door and bathroom door wide open. FML
Today, I shat myself in front of my girlfriend's family, after drinking too much the previous night and waking up with major stomach problems. FML
Today, I was stuck crouching over the toilet after a night of drinking. My fiancé walked in, gathered my hair, and held it out of the way. When another wave of nausea hit me and I leaned in, he shoved my face into the bowl and ran out, laughing and yelling, "That'll teach ya!" FML
Today, my boyfriend came home drunk from town, busted the toilet door open crying, and proposed to me with a ring and all. I was literally mid-shit. FML
Today, I woke up to use the restroom, because I had to take a shit. There was basically no toilet paper left. I asked my boyfriend if he could go get some. It was 1 a.m. He said he’d go when the stores were open, then told me to just rinse off in the shower. FML
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Top comments
superxmario91 11
use his favorite shirts!!
LostThePlot 3
Your husband has a pretty terrible sense of humour.
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Comments (100)
PhishloverA 14
I get it. LOL!
MetallicaFTW 16
Congrats, dude. XD
MisterDoctor 12
I don't know why you got thumbed down, I thought it was a pretty clever thing to say. x)
iiDangerCloseBK 6
It may be gross but you could just take a shower to "clean" yourself. If you didn't have any toilet paper, this would work.
xXHollowIchigoXx 17
I just don't understand... You shit in a bowl filled with water. There is literally a tub that can be filled with water 2 feet away. HOW can you possibly be stuck in the bathroom at your own home?
dancinwookie 21
Pretty sure #12 meant to just jump in and spread your cheeks wide to clean it that way, then towel yourself off. That's one of reasons I avoid bachelor pad towels or laundry.
protoskore 27
#26 - in some places the toilet and bath/shower are 2 different rooms
tanabanana13 14
I would have suggested the same thing! Shower it off.
Sunkistlover718 21
When you're sitting on the john and the toilet paper's gone, be a man; use your hand. Am I the only one who has ever heard this?
Livestrong14 7
No your not, but maybe the only one to do it.
Brandonep 13
Also, OP is a woman.
chanellgymnast 17
Tell him he's a piece of shit. Get it? A piece of shit. LOL.
tmmundy 17
14..Yes, I think we get it. Once again with a lame comment.
DDCA 24
How original.
poodle_juice 17
Does it feel like the devil is coming out of your anus?
HowieDoIt 21
Wow that is an incredible reference from many moons ago...well done!
Tavers 19
I don't get it.... Time to google, once again...
ColbyGB 13
Sounds terrible..
melkymac101 17
Cool
alexafml 5
Next time call a Chinese delivery place and tell them you'll tip extra if they pick up toilet paper...I have had them grab me stuff before they always oblige me :)
Nekogami 14
Huh. Ain't that some shit. Never thought of that. ( no pun intended ) Lol. Ill have to try that!
Ellenpop 15
What is she going to say, "yes bring some toilet paper, walk in the front door, and bring it to me in the bathroom. I'll be the one sitting half naked on the toilet". Because if she could get up to answer the door, why couldn't she find something else to wipe with such as a napkin, paper towel, etc.?
DocBastard 40
Your husband is an ass. Get it? An ASS. No seriously, he's an ass.
Aloyese 11
Docbastard. Respectable commenter.
interesting33 37
Love your comments!
acami2012 5
looks like you need to find a better man. your wishes should be his commands
Vashen 5
I understand this situation is different, but why should her husband be happy to jump on a whim? I don't think he should be happy to do anything and everything she 'commands'
TheAbstract 15
I love that whenever there's some sort of relationship struggle on an FML some dillhole is bound to comment saying something like, "Oh, you're having minor troubles? Instead of acting like adults and talking about it you two should just break up." Usually It's just, "You need a better man/woman." though.
DanielleinDC 34
Well, I think it's a perfectly reasonable request that a husband tend to his wife when she's sick. If the situation were reversed, would you think it's okay for wifey to be hanging with her girlfriends while her husband has diarrhea? And then he had to twist the needle by saying "get it". OP, your husband is a shitheel.