Today, I was driving home, when some kid on a motorbike shot in front of me from the pavement, almost running me off the road. When I confronted him, he screamed, "Watch where you're going next time!" If I could flush every last one of these human turds from the toilet of life, I would. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, while I was driving home, some jackass in an open-top sports car overtook us and flipped me off. Just as I overtook him in turn, my wife rolled down her window, pulled out her tampon, and launched it at the kid. I'm not sure who was more horrified, me or him. FML
Today, I was riding my motorcycle when a guy cut me off at a light. I honked and swore at him when a bug flew into my mouth. FML
Today, I was driving 65 on a fairly deserted highway when some speeding inbred in a giant truck chose not to use the open passing lane but instead SWERVED INTO THE SHOULDER to go around me, and then cut me off. Any closer and I would've been a smear on the asphalt. FML
Today, while driving home, some idiot kept tailgating me, so I slowed down, hoping he'd overtake me. He didn't, so I pulled to the side of the road. He did the same, in front of me. He kept toying with me until I crashed into another car trying to speed away from him. FML
Today, I was driving down a one-way street, when some raging dumbass came screaming the wrong way down the road at me. My instant reaction was to brake and give the guy a chance to do the same. His instant reaction was to keep going and wreck my car. FML
Today, on the way home from a night out, I crossed the main road in my town via the traffic lights. As I got to the other side, a guy turned to his two friends and 'whispered' with a look of disgust, "I would've run that one over." Thanks. FML
Today, I was driving when a couple flipped the bird on me before cutting me off, so I flipped them off back. After they'd got away, another driver thought I'd actually been flipping him off and followed me into a parking lot. This guy was huge, and let’s just say he didn’t give me a chance to explain myself. FML
Today, I almost got run over on my bike by a truck who raced through a red light. After narrowly avoiding a collision, the car slowed down. Instead of apologizing for almost killing me, the driver stuck his head out of the window and yelled, "Nice ass!" FML
Today, I had a “Fuck you” shouting match with a guy who'd tailgated me in the slow lane through an active school zone. I flipped him off when he finally passed, which admittedly wasn’t my best move. He ended up beside me, windows down, where we verbally sparred like teenagers in a dick swinging contest. Regrettably. FML
Today, I was driving through a crossroad on the main road. A driver from the right got road rage, as I didn't let him go first. He drove past me and started brake-checking me. After that he followed me over whole city to scream and curse at me in front of my flat. I didn't break any the laws. FML
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Top comments
PuffDaddy395 3
Very cleverly worded, my friend. Well done.
kickuwithmyfist 1
Hit and run!
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Comments (117)
kickuwithmyfist 1
Hit and run!
wallandpiece 16
What I'd like to know is, why was the fellow using a motorcycle on the path (sidewalk)?
dominic1221 6
Cause he's a human turd, 18.
Zomg_Okay 27
18 - He was probably leaving his driveway or something. I refuse to believe that even this idiot is so stupid to be actually driving on the footpath.
DollGoneWrong 0
Those kinds of people deserved to be expelled from the face of the earth. They should be chained up in dark, dark rooms with only a pea size of water available. For entertainment, they scrape their long, dirty fingernails against old, dirty chalkboards. The awful sound will remind them of their school days, back when they were miniature sized turds, and free to roam the earth. It will remind them of the freedom they once had, but will never, ever get back.
AwkwardPartyBear 24
The Toilet of Life... I'm using that. (p.s. I love your name, op)
Pigeon89 34
What I want to know is why OP used sidewalk- which I don't think I've heard any British person use here- we tend to say pavement. Odd :s
justmethough 8
I believe this only got published because of your "hunan turd" analogy..
PYLrulz 17
23 - You'd be surprised what an asshole on a rice rocket could do, and will do.
unknown_user5566 27
83- Don't hate on posted FML stories just because you're 0 for 2.
JordanA97 0
Wow, I wish I would've been there, I would pull in front of him with my bike and go extremely slow
PuffDaddy395 3
Very cleverly worded, my friend. Well done.
Brenda37 13
"The toilet of life..." I like that, OP. Thanks, I'll use it next time.
EnterSandman_fml 20
Yeah, I really like that. I'm definitely going to have to be careful now because I'll be too tempted to drop that line on coworkers.
krewer21 1
Agreed!
therealslim 15
What a great figure of speech, I must use that sometime I can tell you feel strongly about this sir, by the looks of your username
lorenzoman77 7
Dicking dicks? No.. Ok
lorenzoman77 7
Dicking dicks? No.. Ok
AwkwardPartyBear 24
#5 Damn it! I didnt realize I commented the same thing you did! I should have read all the comments first. I'm sorry. :(
chokefrantic 9
I chuckled when I saw the name.
Cloudberry 10
Don't worry you're not alone. We'd all love to take a shot at flushing that toilet.
SqueakyChipmunk 22
What if it gets clogged?
trollcrusher 17
It likely would, considering the multitude of "Turds" on this planet.
KeyboardWarrior 10
Nice name OP! 10/10 for creativity! Edit: Oops, 5 beat me to it. :l
VasilisaUzhasnaj 29
Comfort yourself with the thought of the obscenely high statistic for motorcycle accidents.
Bob_Cat_fml 14
Not all bikers are the same. I'm not like that kid and I don't think I deserve to die …
Bob_Cat_fml 14
Unfortunately it's not always the motorcyclist's fault. I'm sad to say I knew people who died because someone didn't think of bikes while driving. I'm careful while on road, and in my car as well, but not everyone is (like the kid in this FML) and it kills other people too.
Bob_Cat_fml 14
That's obvious. But you can die in a car-vs-car accident too. What I am trying to say is that if everyone cared for each other it would be as safe to drive a bike as a car (as long as the motorcyclist wears an equipment). There would be only «******-up» accidents, no more «I-didn't-see-you (because I wasn't looking)». We are aware of our fragility thanks, but I'm afraid not everyone is.
PaulB123 11
55-You honestly think that people just don't care for motorcyclists, and for that reason, they are less safe then vehicles? Let's just assume for a minute people actually do go around thinking 'I only care for other people in vehicles'. Even if that were the case, accidents will still happen. And if accidents happen, generally, being in an enclosed vehicle is safer then being fully exposed on a bike.
Bob_Cat_fml 14
PaulB123, I totally agree with you. There will always be accidents and motorcyclists will always be more fragile. I know there are people caring for us. I'm just trying to say they are not as many as they should be. You seem to be one of them, thank you for that.
PaulB123 11
Fair enough! I understand your point a lot more now, and can see that would be frustrating.
b0ngs 7
Some young people should not have licences or be allowed on the roads. Thats how kids are these days.
robertlovespi 3
Some old people shouldn't have their licenses either. This has nothing to do with his age but rather his intelligence or lack thereof.
dawnleemorgan 26
I agree with #48, don't always blame the kids. Some of them are better drivers than the adults.
gingeryginger 1
you should have tackled him off the bike
Spectre529 12
I agree with your last statement