Two speeds

Today, I've realized that I have two modes: Constipated, or ultra explosive diarrhea. FML

Today, after 4 days of constipation, I finally pooped. Sadly, I was not on the toilet. FML

Leftovers

Today, I had a really big, satisfying shit in the loo of a pub several miles from home. After getting back to my table, my stomach rumbled, and, assuming it was just gas, I let it go. What followed was approximately a litre of brown water, soaking my underwear, jeans, and chair, and dribbling onto the floor. FML

We almost made it…

Today, I really really needed to poop. I held it hard. I held it really hard. I pooped my pants. FML

Today, I had the pleasure of finding out how it feels to poop with 3 broken ribs. FML

Great timing

Today, I was absolutely busting to poop, so badly that I began to sweat. This was while I was sitting a medical exam, and had to write in depth about the mechanical and chemical process of digestion. FML

Today, I took an incredibly painful dump. After I cleaned myself up, I got up and was about to flush, until I saw something moving around in one of the logs of poop. It looked like an earthworm. It wasn't there when I sat down. FML

Always wear camo gear

Today, I took a huge shit halfway through my gym workout, one of them half-wet, messy, stuck in your butt hairs. Three rolls and an anus with the feeling of carpet burn later, I proceeded to the bench feeling strong. At the twelfth rep, I sharted, right in my brand new gray pants. FML

Today, I went to the bathroom and my pee split into 4 different streams, none of which actually hit the toilet. FML

Shitty situation

Today, I had explosive diarrhea. I got off the toilet to change my 3 year-old's poopy diaper. He was being stubborn, so I was going to go back to the toilet, which is when he laid down. I thought I could do it. I couldn't. He ran around diaperless as I ran back to the toilet with liquid shit running down my leg. FML