Today, I found out that my resume contained the word "masturbation" in the skills section, courtesy of a practical joke by my best friend. I have been using this CV unsuccessfully for over two months. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I handed out 20 resumes to a variety of stores. To my delight, I got a phone call the same day. Unfortunately, they weren't calling about a job, they were informing me on my resume it says, "I have a dick." All thanks to my boyfriend, who thought it would be hilarious. FML
Today, my sister felt guilty and told me about the changes she secretly made to my résumé months ago. She'd put "doing your mom" and "corporate espionage" as my hobbies, and "Justin Bieber's pussy waxer" as a previous job. No wonder I'm still unemployed. FML
Today, I sent out my resume to about a dozen jobs on Craigslist. I realized that I hadn't updated it in a while and went to double check it after the fact. My ex at some point had changed my objective to "I'm a cocksucker who needs a job real bad." FML
Today, while updating my résumé, I noticed that in my list of achievements it said "Torturing middle school students". I meant "tutoring", but I guess this explains why I'm still unemployed a year after I started looking for a job. FML
Today, I realized I sent over 2 dozen job applications with my dating profile word doc instead of my resume. FML
Today, I realized I had misspelled "Education" on all the resumes I've been submitting. FML
Today, I had a job interview. I was feeling upbeat and confident I was gonna get the position, until I saw that my main qualification on my resume was being a "real n**ga" and "getting bitches and hoes 24/7." My brother had changed it as a prank. FML
Today, I emailed my potential boss a copy of my résumé. However, I didn't realize until too late that it was my fake resume, created for an English class project. Some of my former jobs included being a certified gangster, as well as the former president of Canada. FML
Today, I realized after turning in my resume to over 100 job openings over the past month, that the resume I've been submitting does not have my phone number or any other contact information besides my name. FML
Today, my job application got denied once again. I looked over it, and saw that my roommate added "screwing over customers" and "hiding dead bodies" under my skills. FML
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Top comments
PiErC3 0
u should kick ur best friends ass
KMtheDrummer 6
How do you not notice that in 2 months?
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Comments (191)
PiErC3 0
u should kick ur best friends ass
thiscrazything 1
Did your friend put it in the "skills" section, or is it a "hobby"?
Feared 9
28- there are a couple factors that determine whether something is a skill, a hobby, or both. In order for it to be strictly a skill, OP must be talented in the realm of masturbation from much experience, but doesn't enjoy it. If it is only a hobby, than OP just enjoys it, but would fail miserably against someone in a contest. Or OP, like many people, masturbated a lot because they like it, and this experience gains skill. It probably would have been safer for his friend to write "I'm lonely" in the "about me" section.
s0m3guy2010 21
Did other skills include being a master debater or a master baiter? Politics or fishing may be your thing!
enonymous 9
What kind of job are you looking for? My regular guys rates went up and I'm looking for someone with that skill set at the right price
JurassicHole 5
42 - Way to kill a joke.
zack11742 7
Amazing 66 that made me smile
u002764 3
I hope op was banging his bf's wife while out of work for 2 months.
ss_20_xx 14
Lol good one!
xStaciexLynnx 15
42- Your definitions were so far from being correct. You can enjoy something you're skilled at and you can be great at a hobby... Also, it was a resume not a Facebook profile. There is no 'about me' section.
XanderScythe 11
Were u kidding?
Jaxx66 21
42- That is entirely untrue. You can have a hobby you enjoy and win some sort of contest at it because you are very good at what you like doing. And I don't see any reason why you can't enjoy a skill you use at the workplace. Also, the whole resume is an 'About Me' section. Your skills, training, previous jobs and reasons why you quit or were terminated.
UnleashedKilla1 4
That blows.
fadingfaith 4
He clearly put it in the skills section. -_-
Danny942 1
That's a sticky situation
Blackyx3 7
I see what you did there =)
cyK0tek 0
/Salmon Slap No! NO! BAAD! No es bueno!!
mitchthepug 0
Hehehe
KMtheDrummer 6
How do you not notice that in 2 months?
Redoxx_fml 22
Too busy masturbating
OneNightStander 6
I like Redoxx hahahaha
TourettesGuyFTW 26
Your friend is a piece of shit. YOU are also a dick for not noticing sooner. Someone with a sense of humour might offer an interview, if they are looking for attention to detail in a candidate..
Ray_of_midnight 23
He went blind from masturbating too much.
The_Troller 14
^ I'm pretty sure that's not possible. Unless, of course, OP has really bad aim.
gntfmlingnow 12
99, badass pic.
missyj0 12
I ******* love Minecraft.
amanda_d95 9
YDI for not reading that shit over
Hollandiscrazy 12
Pure HANDsome XD
TOXICxANARCHIST 0
STFU :)
loveurlifeJK 5
Your friend sounds awesome. 8D
anchovies 0
HOW??
choshaki 8
4- you look like the Emo version of Miley Cyrus to me. (I read your profile I'm sure you are not Emo...)
Isaac_The_Man 0
21- I hate ****** like you.
kisaka 2
Well hey, it could still get you a job! Maybe not one you especially wanted, but.....
TheDrifter 24
It could be a valuable skill for assembly line jobs. Toned arms and dedication to repetitive actions. It's all in finding the right hr person to explain it to.
AlaskanEskimo34 0
Prostitute....male or female OP would be amazing, especially at handjobs.
trollfaced 2
73, you ruined it...
annoytanor 1
Sperm doner ; )
neverdrinkSODA 12
yeah I don't think many employers are looking for that
cja101 8
Unless its for a job in the **** industry.
SpruceDread4578 13
If that's the case, 6 would be great for the job. Those abs are like cheese graters!
marzipanimal 15
Didn't you bother rereading it before two months because you weren't getting a job?
iamyummylicious 14
*gasps* HOW DARE YOU SPEAK OF COMMON SENSE! That's a forbidden magic! DEVIL'S WORK!!! You're going to hell! EVVVVVIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLL
wisese 0
This person is making so many job-seeking errors. You aren't supposed to use a one-size-fits-all resume. Tailor your resume for every job you apply for. And ALWAYS review it before sending out. Common sense isn't that hard. This is SUCH a huge ydi.
iamyummylicious 14
WHAT IS THIS WIZARDY YOU SPEAK OF?! COMMON SENSE... UGH, STOP IT. YOU EVIL VILE CREATURE! PREACHING SUCH BACKWARDS TEACHINGS! WE WON'T STAND FOR IT! HEATHENS! ALL OF YOU!!!
abbybailey204 19
There's nothing wrong with bragging about it 2 ur possible employer
TheZee 12
Good luck getting a job in the future with that kind of thinking 0.0
ss_20_xx 14
Yeah? Well I'm definitely happy about not being your employer.
stevenJB 25
After every hand-in look back over it and look for honest potential improvements or modification. I dont like it when people don't make sure everything is in order
kooochris1995 14
Well is it one of your skills? Cuz if it is, then you are just applying to the wrong jobs.