Today, as I was sitting on a bench thinking about an upcoming test, some hysterical woman slapped me out of nowhere because she thought I was staring at her ass. I was staring blankly into the void. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was taking a really big test in a class that I was failing. It was worth at least 7 grades so I studied my butt off. During the test, a girl with huge breasts sat down next to me and I couldn't stop staring. My test got confiscated because they thought I was cheating. FML
Today, I walked up to my friend and slapped her ass, because that’s what we always do. Turns out, it wasn’t my friend, it was a total stranger. FML
Today, a woman was staring at me. This went on for about five minutes until I couldn't take it anymore. I screamed at her to cut it out. It turns out she had a lazy eye. FML
Today, I was sitting on a bench outside a supermarket waiting to be picked up, when a old lady walked out of the shop. She hadn't noticed me and sat on the bench beside me. She looked around and saw me, rolled her eyes, got up and moved to a different bench. FML
Today, as I was bent over at my waitressing job, an elderly woman walked by and smacked my ass. I looked at her, shocked, and she said, "It was too tempting with you bent over like that, I have a dirty old mind." I didn't know whether to be flattered or horrified. Maybe both. FML
Today, I was leaning over cleaning a table at work, when my pretty coworker came up behind me and slapped me on the butt. I was so startled that I slipped and smashed my face into the table. Now she can't look at me without laughing. FML
Today, while waiting for my order at a restaurant, a woman walked up to me and slapped me. She looked at me for a moment and said "Sorry, I thought you were someone else." Ten minutes later, the same woman came back and slapped me again. FML
Today, I was on a crowded subway going home. My trousers were a bit dusty so I tried to dust myself off. As I was slapping the side of my leg I missed and hit a woman behind me in the ass. She called me a pervert and walked off. Everyone stared at me. It takes 40 minutes to get home. FML
Today, I was trying to flirt with someone in a small bar. I thought they'd smiled at me, so I smiled back. Turns out, they were smiling at their phone screen. I just awkwardly sat there, smiling into the void. FML
Today, I was on the train and a woman approached me from behind and told me that if I didn’t stop staring at her, she’d kill me slowly and painfully, then she pulled out a switchblade to support her argument. I wasn’t looking at her at all and was in fact looking in the opposite direction. FML
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Top comments
Hempseed 27
If I were you, I'd be pressing charges. Considering the fact that she basically assaulted you.
Johnny5 16
I once got accused of checking out a girl’s ass by my ex because I was looking straight forward pushing my shopping cart in line to leave at CostCo.
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Comments (15)
Dave_Davington 34
Follow her around for the rest of the day with your phone out, live streaming her arse for as many people as will watch. Tell her the only way to make you stop is to let you hit her back. Finally, show her your number of views is a grand total of zero, thus proving that all of her presumptuous, ego-fuelled violence was for naught because nobody is interested in her shit valve in the first place. Also, find out where she lives and tell the local Jehova's Witnesses and Mormons that she's interested, because it's always nice to go the extra mile.
Alup132 22
That’s kind of illegal...
Hempseed 27
If I were you, I'd be pressing charges. Considering the fact that she basically assaulted you.
Hempseed 27
Well, actually, she did basically assault him.
raven_of_azarath 35
Oh wow. I don’t think I’ve ever seen “hysterical” in modern times as used as it was originally in the 1800s until now. Props to you.
RichardPencil 32
Why aren’t you staring at dat ass? I’d slap you for not staring!
Razell 13
"I wasn't staring at you. I was staring at the ground and your fat ass was in the way."
Johnny5 16
I once got accused of checking out a girl’s ass by my ex because I was looking straight forward pushing my shopping cart in line to leave at CostCo.
bennichols01 2
staring isn't a crime, assault is. press charges