Today, an exchange student was telling us how he once used a black light to detect semen stains on his "abstinent" ex-girlfriend's face. I called him out on the obvious lie, saying it's an old urban legend. He wigged out, screamed that I'm a "bastarding shite-wank" and ran out of class. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was at my friend's place with a bunch of people. I saw a pair of panties in his laundry basket, so of course I yelled, "DUDE! YOU GOT LAID!" Turns out he didn't get laid, he was 'experimenting'. He was so mortified, he burst out crying and threw us all out. FML
Today, I checked out a "confessions" page for my university. The first confession was from a guy who whacked off in a campus restroom then used a computer in a lab without washing his hands. I work in that lab. FML
Today, the fuck boi I’ve been seeing got so interested about my only bi experience, which was light petting in high school, that I’ve started making up far-fetched embellishments to the tale. I can’t believe the stuff this guy is willing to believe. FML
Today, I went with the kids I work with to a roller rink, where there are tons of black lights. Under the glow, I realized in horror that an old semen stain could be seen on my shorts. Praying no one saw, or realized what it was. FML
Today, I had to leave my one-night stand in my flat because I was giving a guest lecture at the local university. Halfway through, I hear someone sneaking in so I jokingly asked if they had a 'wild night out.' It was the guy I slept with. FML
Today, I found out that an annoying guy who had asked me out spread a nasty rumour after I stood him up. According to him, I not only showed up to our date, I also went home with him, had advanced sex with him, then in the morning when he woke up, I was having sex with his roommate. All our friends believe this. FML
Today, my college instructor told me I hadn't actually failed a big exam as he originally said. It turns out he'd mixed me up with another student. Now thanks to the power of gossip, half my class thinks I slept with him so he'd switch my grade with the other student's. FML
Today, I hooked up with a guy. After sex, I found him washing his penis with BLEACH. I asked what the hell he was doing; apparently his mother makes him do it because sex is sinful and dirty, and all unmarried women have STDs. WHAT THE… FML
Today, in one of the corridors at university, I was pretending to have passionate sex with one of my lecturers to make my mates laugh. She happened to walk by just at that moment. She reminded me when my next exam is; she will be marking me. FML
Today, one of my most problematic students remained after class, whence he strongly insinuated his interest in receiving oral sex; I tried to convey just how inappropriate that was, when he interrupted, "Look, will you at least touch it?" FML
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Top comments
haidere 3
Didn't know bastard could be used as a verb.
jerseyboy732 16
what the hell is a shite-wank??
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Comments (150)
Enslaved 38
Black lights do not show semen, unless it's mixed in a puddle of vaseline.
tymarie2012 31
Black lights show semen
mxpklx 12
A black light can only show stains of semen and blood is when a chemical (I forget the name) is sprayed on the area.
iliveinchaos 6
Luminol.
CMooreButz 8
I would guess that you're probably single, if not try using a blacklight on your bedsheets. Blacklights do work
ajeyness 10
They don't work on skin because people take showers and use lotion and saliva shows up and so does blood and urine.
CMooreButz 8
Blacklights light up what is hard to see, luminol, blacklight, and orange glasses are used by police to see bodily fluids that are not visible because someone tried to clean up.
808ninjas 3
I think this is a "F Our Lives" as a society, we live among a lot of idiots, my friends.
AffenKid 9
Was the exchange student from Manchester (UK) per chance? Only an Englishman could come up with such an epic (?) insult.
hellonyancat 6
Sounds like something Jack from Father Ted would say. Anyway, it's more like an fml for him, he's in a new place, and he's trying to make himself seem cool and you embarrass him in front of everyone. I feel bad for him, even if he did lie.
Barr3lR0ll 9
13 your pic made me literally lol.
Southerndatageek 2
Shitewank is a British slang term thatMIS defined as: 1. A general expletive. Thought to be more satisfying than saying either shite or wank seperately. 2. Male masturbation that leads to an anticlimax, i.e. no ******. Shite=shit. and wank =masturbation Don't call someone a dumb ass til you know the facts...dumb ass!!
ginglederf 6
I want to know exactly how he pronounced that....(I'm deffidely using this insult sometime I'm the future :3) did he say it bastarding like ba-sterd-ing or bi-stard-ing, I beilieve both may be old English terms... Or not.. I'm not sure