Today, an exchange student was telling us how he once used a black light to detect semen stains on his "abstinent" ex-girlfriend's face. I called him out on the obvious lie, saying it's an old urban legend. He wigged out, screamed that I'm a "bastarding shite-wank" and ran out of class. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was at my friend's place with a bunch of people. I saw a pair of panties in his laundry basket, so of course I yelled, "DUDE! YOU GOT LAID!" Turns out he didn't get laid, he was 'experimenting'. He was so mortified, he burst out crying and threw us all out. FML
Today, I checked out a "confessions" page for my university. The first confession was from a guy who whacked off in a campus restroom then used a computer in a lab without washing his hands. I work in that lab. FML
Today, the fuck boi I’ve been seeing got so interested about my only bi experience, which was light petting in high school, that I’ve started making up far-fetched embellishments to the tale. I can’t believe the stuff this guy is willing to believe. FML
Today, I went with the kids I work with to a roller rink, where there are tons of black lights. Under the glow, I realized in horror that an old semen stain could be seen on my shorts. Praying no one saw, or realized what it was. FML
Today, I had to leave my one-night stand in my flat because I was giving a guest lecture at the local university. Halfway through, I hear someone sneaking in so I jokingly asked if they had a 'wild night out.' It was the guy I slept with. FML
Today, I found out that an annoying guy who had asked me out spread a nasty rumour after I stood him up. According to him, I not only showed up to our date, I also went home with him, had advanced sex with him, then in the morning when he woke up, I was having sex with his roommate. All our friends believe this. FML
Today, my college instructor told me I hadn't actually failed a big exam as he originally said. It turns out he'd mixed me up with another student. Now thanks to the power of gossip, half my class thinks I slept with him so he'd switch my grade with the other student's. FML
Today, I hooked up with a guy. After sex, I found him washing his penis with BLEACH. I asked what the hell he was doing; apparently his mother makes him do it because sex is sinful and dirty, and all unmarried women have STDs. WHAT THE… FML
Today, in one of the corridors at university, I was pretending to have passionate sex with one of my lecturers to make my mates laugh. She happened to walk by just at that moment. She reminded me when my next exam is; she will be marking me. FML
Today, one of my most problematic students remained after class, whence he strongly insinuated his interest in receiving oral sex; I tried to convey just how inappropriate that was, when he interrupted, "Look, will you at least touch it?" FML
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Top comments
haidere 3
Didn't know bastard could be used as a verb.
jerseyboy732 16
what the hell is a shite-wank??
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Comments (150)
wonderfullyodd 2
Coulda been worse..
alexup24 13
I don't know, shite-wank is pretty degrading.
Il_Maestro 6
Could've been called a cotton-headed-ninny-muggins.
onlychildFTW 34
Well that's an odd response to being called out on a lie.
Proughboy 7
Or a scruffy lookin' Nerf herder
ThatsSOBforshort 2
That's one way to handle things...
haidere 3
Didn't know bastard could be used as a verb.
CareFace 16
He must make couples have kids without being married... Oh the power...!
Mister_Triangle 21
"bastardizing" is the correct verb-usage as far as I know
wallandpiece 16
It sounds like something the Scottish would say. *shudder*
ohSNAPyall 27
He bastarded an adjective.
s15c 9
Well it's actually being used as a participle, which technically means it's an adjective. Though the root form is a verb.
haidere 3
I didn't know bastard could be used as a participle.
Qwermy 16
Not sure about this one, so we may need to call in an expert. Where is DocBastard when you need him?
jerseyboy732 16
what the hell is a shite-wank??
mugu 0
White *****!!
Shrike 24
Uh no, actually the words and grammar sounds pretty Scottish, or at least northern UK. A Scouser exchange student maybe?
elsie_lane 0
Shrike is correct, 'shite' is an alternative to 'shit'. The guy could be from anywhere in the UK apart from Southern England essentially! OR he's been watching movies like Green Street or Lock Stock!
jDCrackpot 7
I'm from southern England and I say 'shite' 'wank' and 'bastarding' (even though bastarding isn't a real word, obviously). He could be from anywhere, but he's probably not from London or the south east. I don't think I've ever heard anyone from the south east say shite.
Rockflid 3
I'm from the southeast, and I day shite.
Livzii 5
Me too!
gantzlord 5
I day shite and night shite too.
juicypu55y 0
Urban legend? Oh boy...
Michaelsgirl04 9
judging by your username I'd guess your some 15 year old that still believes the ol blacklight trick is real...tsk tsk
Michaelsgirl04 9
you're**** my brain was not functioning yesterday O_O
shadexilmaendu 4
If its not real; then why do I see spots on my mattress when I shine the blacklight close to it? O.o (not trying to sound like a slob or anything, my boyfriend isn't always perfect with his "aim" so to speak..) being perfectly honest here, I didn't believe it til I tried it.
Stiggy626 25
As in it doesn't stay on son like that. It will stain clothes but it won't stain your face
LSS_fml 18
Best insult ever.
Dyer18 0
It actually does work. Ydi for not knowing how it works before contradicting the exchange student.
deviable 9
Assuming it even showed up after she washed her face, saliva also shows up, so she could lick her lips and look like she partook of the creamy banana. I'm not an expert though so anyone correct me if I'm wrong.
GoW_Chick 15
No it doesn't work, many of people have disproved it.
murdersquirrel 15
http://www.bvda.com/EN/prdctinf/semen_fluo.html It's pretty complicated and can NOT be done with out scientific equipment, meaning a black light from Spencer's isn't gonna cut it. So yeah, dry semen will fluoresce under certain circumstances but I doubt this exchange student was being truthful. Just sayin'.
fuzz97 23
Nice, Dyer18! YDI for not knowing how it works before contradicting OP.
jackassiddy 8
Shine a black light on your favorite towel and I think you might change your mind, shite-wank.
boycrazy30007 12
It doesn't work on SKIN. Not after it has been washed or wiped off. Thats the point.
Michaelsgirl04 9
it doesn't always work on fabrics either if it's been long enough
jackassiddy 8
*Runs off to test new development in black light theory*
dominic1221 6
If it's been washed off, it'll only show up after you spray stuff like luminol over the area. Ask anyone who works forensics.
petlover7598 7
Maybe the ex-girlfriend didn't wash her face afterwards.
mickypequi 13
It doesn't work on fresh, still on skin either....
Obeyy19 4
Not true! Back when I was in high school my teacher (whom was a teacher) made us rub this stuff all over our hands, and look in the black light. Then made us scrub our hands vigerously in every spot even our nails. We went back and STILL could see stuff. No matter how hard or how much we washed. So FALSE!
xgetxbentx 13
72 - yeah, I'm guessing your teacher didn't put semen on your hands though. Certain things can be detected by black light if only washed with soap and water and are more difficult to get rid of, but plenty of things can simply be washed away as if they were never there. It all depends on what you're trying to detect.
tweetbaby14 18
72, you might want to go back to high school to learn about redundancy.
NoraT_fml 6
And you're 19? Me Thinks Yous Needs More Skool...
SolanumX 6
So here is how a black light works (specifically on semen): It emits an ultraviolet light that we cannot see. Certain proteins in bodily fluids absorb the light, and almost instantaneously re-emit it. Since some energy is lost during the absorption and re-emission, it reflects at a lower, visible wavelength. The point is you'd need to be able to identify what color the dominant seminic (not sure if that's the right word) proteins reflected UV as in comparison to whatever the hell is hanging out on the surface of your skin to be able to tell if she had it on her face. Also, some cleaning agents (including those used on skin) will actually function similarly to luminol, so there is a chance the girlfriend washed her face right after she got semen on her with a particular cleaning agent, which would have allowed the exchange student to identify the semen even after washing and being on her skin.
SolanumX 6
Also to add to my previous comment, she could have just wiped off the semen, then powdered her face or put on some kind of make up which could have had a luminol like effect.
l23VIVE 17
Hey 72, i think i went to your school. And it proves that you're wrong because our school sucks ass at teaching people hahaha
MsSoulReaper 27
I'm more interested in the part where that exchange student used a black light on his ex-girlfriend. Did he not trust her or was she a ****? I'm curious now.
Dyer18 0
Don't know the difference between fact and fiction.