Today, a few minutes after giving birth to our fourth child, my wife pulled me close and whispered, "I love you, but if you ever put me through that again I'll rip your balls off." Everyone laughed. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, after careful consideration, I told my wife I really want to have kids. She laughed, until she finally realized I was serious, at which point she flicked me in the balls and said, "Problem solved." FML
Today, my wife was in labour and bouncing on her inflatable ball to relieve the pain when it popped. This thing has lasted her entire pregnancy and it chose to burst now, sending her crashing to the floor groin first while 8 cm dilated. And as the husband, it is of course all my fault, you bastard. FML
Today, after my wife gave birth to another of our daughters, she announced that this was the last one. When I reminded her I still needed a son to carry on my name, she replied, "Well, you've got four girls. You want a boy? Birth him yourself!" FML
Today, after I gave birth to our first child, my husband looked at the doctor and seriously asked, "When do you circumcise the baby?" We had a baby girl. FML
Today, I excitedly told my husband that I'm expecting our second child. He ripped up the sonogram and yelled at me to "fucking get rid of it" while jabbing me in the chest. FML
Today, I managed to squeeze a testicle between my thigh and a drawer while doing the dishes. From the floor, writhing in pain, I watched my wife laughing hysterically while our two year-old ran up to jump on me. FML
Today, during labor, I farted every time I pushed with very deep sounds. I was so ashamed. I pushed so hard, I pooped and splashed the nurse in front of me right in the face. Everyone stopped laughing and the nurse didn’t talk until baby came. When my husband called my in-laws, it’s the first thing he told them. FML
Today, I gave birth to a baby girl. Where was my husband after the agony finally ended? Standing just outside the room, flirting with a nurse. FML
Today, my very pregnant wife woke up in bed, grabbing her stomach and writhing in pain. Worried that the baby might be in distress, I asked her what was wrong. She gasped then let out what can only be described as a river of hot liquid shit all over herself and my legs. We both cried. FML
Today, I had a debate with my girlfriend about whether giving birth or getting kicked in the balls hurts more. It ended up with her kicking me in the balls. I was the one who said giving birth hurt more. FML
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Top comments
Damafia 19
One type of vasectomy I guess...
FunnnyGirrl 19
Threats to remove ones manhood is the best kind of contraception...
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Comments (66)
Damafia 19
One type of vasectomy I guess...
HanBroman 20
This isn't an FML. that's a pretty normal reaction from a woman who's just given birth.
tashb 17
What a dick...
monstermatt001 13
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Time for a fifth?
Soviet_American 29
I think he's already planning for a sixth.
martin8337 36
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
No!!!!!! Clearly she doesn't want any more kids. Get yourself a vasectomy, don't rely on her to get her tubes tied. Four kids are more than enough.
lengi123 18
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Why the hell should he have to get a vasectomy? If she doesn't want more kids she can get her tubes tied, it's not always up to the guy.
Melodija 19
Because, if they decide to change their mind and have more kids, it's far easier to reverse vasectomy than for her to reverse her tubes being tied - a vasectomy is a far simpler procedure where as tying the tubes for a woman is difficult and can have far more complications
Ltturner234 12
Why not get birth control or condoms? Then neither one of you has to have any kind of surgery.
kingdomgirl94 29
Condoms and the pill actually can fail fairly easily, and thats not something theyre likely willing to risk. A vasectomy is really simple, and they don't even have to put you under. My dad got one after his forth kid and he was done in half an hour. Getting your tubes tied requires full surgery, going under heavy sleeping drugs and the recovery time is a bitch. everyone makes vasectomies sound like castration, but that's not the case. He'll even still ejaculate, there just won't be any swimmers in it.
addictedtoIASIP 14
Really? Guys cause girls to get pregnant. Girls go through all that shit the least the guy can do is get fixed seriously.
brezzyanna 17
Getting pregnant is a two way street. It's not just the guys fault. Girls need to take responsibility too
EchoSerenity 15
If they can afford four kids they can afford to adopt, tying the tubes there's still a chance of getting pregnant if it wasn't done right, condoms break, and birth control can really mess up woman's systems. With having the guy getting fixed there isn't a reverse of that, once it's done, it's done.
MisterGasMoney 16
Having sex is (usually) a mutual choice. Having sex with the intent of having children is Definitely a two way street.
junkman6 22
#61 hold up now this is the age of equality of the sexes! Everything is the mans fault! Jeez don't you know how equality works? PS the above is sarcasm laced with cynicism. Still waiting on sarcasm font FML staff!
octinate 17
You do realise getting tubes tied is a full blown surgery with sleep inducing drugs and it takes a long time to recover and your body is forever ruined with a large scar, plus all the risks associated with surgery including death. Compare that to a minor vasectomy where the man is still awake while it's happening and he's outta there in half hour....
Ltturner234 12
I understand that pills can fall and so can condoms. but a vasectomy doesn't always work either. And getting tubes tied it's a very heavy surgery. I don't think anything is 100% Effective.
DanielleinDC 34
Because she went through childbirth FOUR times. He can endure the discomfort of a vasectomy. And really, OP, get a vasectomy.
pitapizzaparty 18
#33 u do realize u are able to untie ur tubes?
Davids9199 14
Well then either one of you is going to get their tubes tied or a vasectomy or just wear a condom
gramirez23 9
Vasectomy it is!
USA1776 15
Condoms suck
FunnnyGirrl 19
Threats to remove ones manhood is the best kind of contraception...
Sandman366 6
OP's "name" just makes this almost impossible to NOT laugh at.
ToxicTyrael 26
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Nevermind, as soon as she holds your child she'll forget the pain and everything is cosy :) congrats btw!
Lil_Red777 21
I don't know why people say you forget the pain, because you don't lol. It might not be in the center of your mind at the moment but it's there.
annie_nk 23
I had third degree tearing, my episiotomy reopened and all my tears ended up getting infected. I easily reached a 10 on the pain scale and ended up having to be hospitalized for a week to get my ****** fixed. My baby is now almost three years old and I'm positive I'll NEVER forget the pain no matter how cute she is.
Monkey_language 15
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
#62- I really admire how openly you share your experience with us, but for me that is a little too much information!
ChristianH39 30
62 I don't even have a ****** and that made me cringe
siggy_mcsigx 22
.
Rainhawk94 27
I'd take that as a challange
fsomelife 26
Is this pronounced "sha-LAH-nge"?
SpamPam 18
A challenge? To get her pregnant when she doesn't want to be? That's messed up.
mackdeezy 22
Anyone notice the username? O.0
Chibi_Kitten 24
#9 - I got confused and wondered why she would be in labor if that was so. Then I realized that maybe he meant when she started getting really hormonal, he got them removed. Or maybe they ran away from him in fear.
Wilffe56 9
ripped them off ages ago.... lol perhaps he means she sucked too hard......XD(ba dum tsss) but in all seriousness, what were we talking bout? idc
ninjahesten 18
this is not a dare... but i dare you!
Axipiter 24
Sounds like a dare.
SpamPam 18
If she does not consent to getting preggos again then trying to get her preggos without her knowledge is incredibly messed up.
worldclassrager 41
What was her response to the previous three?
Ashamed_Sister 60
As far as I know it takes two to make a baby, so it sounds a bit unfair.
hannah_cheers 30
I always think that. Like women get mad at their partner and are always like "You did this to me." when in reality, she's just as much to blame.
Brandi_Faith 34
True but the woman goes through excruciating pain along with a bunch of other issues while the man doesn't change at all. I think in the birthing moment he's an easy and frustrating target. Not right, but fairly common unfortunately.