Today, I learned that while most people drunk text, I drunk clean. And by drunk clean I mean put my things away where I won't be able to find them, like my car keys. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I realized that the drunk-me deletes my texts, so the sober-me doesn't get mad. Well turns out, whatever the drunk-me said, caused me to lose my job, my girlfriend, and my coffee machine. FML
Today, I read through my phone, hoping there weren't any drunk texts by me from the night before. Apparently I dirty texted everyone, even my boss. FML
Today, I woke up extremely hungover. I couldn't find my car keys so I went out to my car to see if I had locked them inside. I walked back to the door of my apartment barefoot and empty handed, only to find that I had locked myself out of the apartment. FML
Today, I lost my house keys while staggering home drunk, so I decided to climb through an opened window and promptly went to bed. Twenty minutes later the police wake me up while attempting to search my place. The neighbors thought I was a burglar and called the cops. FML
Today, I tried to keep a drunk girl from driving by holding her keys, but she had a spare set in her purse. She hit me with her car when I was walking home. FML
Today, I got drunk at a party. I didn't want my parents to know, so I took out my phone, called my parents, and asked them not to tell them I'm drunk. FML
Today, I learned that drunk me from last night is apparently great at flirting. She also apparently flirted her way to a free bottle of white wine, only to shatter it on the kitchen floor at 2 a.m. How did I find out? Three words: glass in foot. FML
Today, someone at work left 10 unopened beers after hours. I’m not much of a drinker, but free is free, so I took them home during my lunch break. After work, I left my new phone on top of my car, forgot about it, drove off, and it smashed in the middle of the road. Looks like I’m drinking those beers tonight. FML
Today, while talking to my parents, I dropped an ordinary drinking glass. After I apologized and cleaned the mess, they told me that they had decided that if I couldn't be careful at home, I certainly couldn't be careful on the roads. They took away my keys. I'm 19. FML
Today, after a night of heavy drinking, I woke up handcuffed to my bed. My friends who are responsible for this think it's hilarious and claimed not to remember where they put the keys. They took pictures, then left. FML
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Top comments
organizse 28
Solution: keep getting drunk until you clean enough of your house to find them
Tripartita 45
Time to make a drunk videographer friend, so you'll have an account of whatever happens when you're both inebriated.
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Comments (35)
rabid_otaku 29
Better than that one person on FML who drink adopts cats.
igg125 30
I bet it'll be in the last place you look.
freddygasman 18
I'd hope its in the last place you look. If you keep looking after you found them that's just foolish.
Kiernan151 25
Ydi, just don't get drunk. It's easy not to do. And if you have problems with moderation you should get help
littlekellilee 45
Wow, you just turned a funny problem into possible alcoholism. Too far.
KILJOY310 11
You should start leaving yourself clues to the location of items you have hidden.
RageWolf16 31
You need a Tile
warrenhoward42 20
that's probably a good thing
Saraishi 25
That's more drunk hide than drunk clean.
russfml 31
Real life Monica from Friends? Lol
wmayrhofer 18
Check the fridge.
Murilirum 23
I might be a hybrid breed of human because I do both.