Today, I found out my older brother put tanning lotion in the lotion I use to masturbate with. Now I have orange palms and an orange penis which won't go away for weeks. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML
Today, my 15 year-old brother, visiting me for the weekend, thought it would be a great idea to switch my expensive moisturiser for fake tan cream. I'm going to work in 12 hours. I'm fluorescent orange. FML
Today, I caught my brother whacking off with my expensive bottle of lotion. This might not have been quite so disturbing had he not been caught with his entire penis in the bottle. FML
Today, I got my make-up remover wipes mixed up with my sister's self-tan wipes. I am currently watching my face slowly turn orange and there is nothing I can do about it. FML
Today, I decided to try a self-tanning lotion my friend had recommended. I put it on, and decided to take a nap. I woke up later and checked myself in the mirror, expecting to see a new, more tanned version of myself. I didn't. I'm now orange. FML
Today, I ran out of my usual hand lotion that I use for 'me time'. I instead decided to try and us my after shave lotion as a replacement. Apparently, my member doesn't agree with one of the ingredients, and has now swollen to the size of my fist. FML
Today, my sister thought it would be funny to spray my face with my new tanning spray, which is only supposed to be used on arms and legs. I woke up and looked in the mirror to see an orange blotchy face staring back at me. My parents can't look at me without laughing. FML
Today, as I finished putting self tanner on my legs, the phone rang. Telemarketer. After returning to the bathroom I put moisturizer on my face. As I looked in the mirror, I soon realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands. My face is now streaky orange. FML
Today, I got a second degree sunburn everywhere above my waist, for which I've been using a medicated lotion. My roommate "pranked" me by switching the lotion with a similarly colored, very caustic acne wash. My chest feels like it's roasting in hell and is oozing pus and oil now. FML
Today, I took a piss while doing yard work. Later, to my horror, I discovered that I had touched poison oak at some point. My penis is now blistered and swollen. FML
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Top comments
untoward 0
well if your masturbating so much, probably no one is seeing your penis anyway
katieebabyy 0
carrot crotch!
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Comments (353)
OuchFireAnts 0
Umpa Lumpa crotch
AudaciouslyInsan 0
It's actually 'Oompa Loompa'. :D Nice try though.
LauranceMonroe 0
lucky for you no body is going to see it, since... well lets start with the fact that you have a special type of cream you use to **********.
sixdeadkittens 0
that's disgusting.
stewpididiot 11
Yeah SDK. you NEVER **********, do you?
Dman1760 0
HAHA funny shit
hahaalolz 0
dman, I swear u go to my school... ur name is Damien... ???
hahaalolz 0
**** don't worry just looked at ur profile, fail. go me
FirstBornUnicorn 0
Just go to Jersey. The girls there are used to orange penises.
lotuspod 0
lmao jersey is the birth place of oompa loompas so many orange fake tans
JeffGoesRawrr 0
You Were Caught Orange-Handed. ;)
peacelovekat 0
if ur masturbating I don think anyone would see it any way
MetalHead93GB 0
I ********** and I get laid quite frequently... your point ?
ThatOneGuy921 0
no one would see it but still that sucks for him.. having an orange penis and all... btw I love ur hair :)!!
kit22 0
Hahaha!!!! Your brother rules!
killabee 0
What's the BFD about masturbating? Guess what, masturbating does not make you single, a loser, or mean you don't get any. Is that what all the YDI's were about, because he masturbates???
5t3ff1k4h 47
The more the guy whacks it, the more he'll want sex in general. OP, this is improving your sex life. Shut up and let him feel good.
killabee 0
Who are you telling to shut-up?
5t3ff1k4h 47
Did you see that the latter half of my post was addressed to the OP?
killabee 0
That's why I was unsure. "this is improving your sex life, shutup and let him feel good" So shutup OP and let yourself feel good? Then why did you say "him"? Not a big deal, it just sounded like you were talking to me, but we were in agreement on the whole masturbation issue so it was odd.
5t3ff1k4h 47
My bad; my mind's a little fuzzy today.... I'm not exactly clear in my thinking! Hahaha. Anyway, what I was trying to get at was the fact that the more the guy whacks it, the more he'll want sex... which is good because it'll lead to a more active sex life... but what I didn't take into account was that he may or may not have a girlfriend (who I thought was the OP). I apparently threw the girlfriend in there somewhere. Oops! Maybe it's time to retire for the night...
MAGNAVOX 0
I want you in my sex life .
The_Earth 0
I used to ********** too. then I realized I was killing humans by drowning them. so I had to stop. but luckily I met the moon. she's so sweet and faithful.
MizSammyBaybay12 0
hahahaha I like that Earth :)
rasellersjr 0
lol great profile
MetalHead93GB 0
win :L