Today, I decided that I need to lose weight when I discovered I could no longer chew on my own toenails. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I figured I needed to go on a diet when I discovered I could make farting noises with my neck. FML
Today, I finally kicked my awful nail-biting habit. All it took was a fractured jaw. I haven't been able to chew anything for two weeks. FML
Today, I dropped some food on the floor and picked it back up, took a bite, and quickly realised it had toenail cuttings in it. I never cut my toenails in my dining room. FML
Today, I decided to start making healthier decisions. Instead of the usual cheeseburger I have for lunch I ate an apple instead. I took one bite and broke one of my teeth. Apparently, apples keep the doctor away, but not dentists. FML
Today, I noticed that I've gained so much weight that even my feet have stretch marks. FML
Today, I started biting my nails, before I realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands after taking a massive dump. FML
Today, after I completely starved myself for a week and exercised every day in an attempt to lose weight, I instead gained 5 pounds. FML
Today, I began to daydream about going on a diet and losing some weight. As I did so, I unknowingly reached for a giant bag of chips and ate the whole thing. Now, I have stopped daydreaming and am sitting alone and depressed. And I'm all out of chips. FML
Today, I realized the only reason I chose to lose weight is that I can never cross the crosswalk fast enough. FML
Today, I tried to open the door with my mouth because my hands were full. I chipped a tooth. FML
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Top comments
FMLMaximus 23
why would you be trying to do that anyway? gross.
RichardPencil 32
That's your motivation to lose weight? I've heard the motto, "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels." You'd refute that saying, "Toenails do!"
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Comments (13)
Morgan Meyer 4
A step in a healthy direction is a step on the right path. Weather or not you have a strange addiction, becoming healthier will open up your mind and your possibilities. It doesn't matter why you take that first step...it just matters that you do. Good luck! Might I recommend Hybrid Calisthenics, great guy and very helpful videos :)
tiptoppc 21
If you are a guy, you’re going to be an incel. If you are a girl, well, i’m sure some horny weirdo is going to subscribe for that. Use that money to eat better. Well, better than eating toenails…